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Friday, March 2, 2007

Anxiety and Insomnia

Written by Kodi Wolf at 10:24 PM

I hate anxiety and insomnia. The one makes it difficult for me to focus when I'm awake and the other makes it hard for me to fall asleep when I'm tired. I'm used to dealing with a general level of both pretty much every day, but when there's extra stuff that raises those levels above normal, I have problems coping.

Corene is having knee surgery on the 15th. It's not as major as it sounds. She's just having some old torn cartilage scraped out that's leftover from a car accident she was in more than twenty years ago. With doing the renovations on the house, the physical activity has caused fluid to build up in a cyst on the back of her knee, which is painful. The doctor said he could drain the cyst to relieve the pain, but it would come back in a year if they didn't take care of the underlying cause, which is the old torn cartilage. Hence, the surgery.

She'll only be under for about half an hour, and she should be sent home a couple hours after the surgery, and assuming everything goes well, she should be back to work on Monday the 19th, though she'll probably be on crutches for a while. But my little brain can't help thinking of all the things that could go wrong. I've only had Corene for seven years and the thought of losing her over something so trivial... I think I would go insane.

So, I've been trying to focus on other things. I tend to clean when my anxiety is up, so the house is in pretty good shape. I've been trying to write, but my focus is off, so I've only managed a few snippets here and there. Mostly, I've been playing Age of Empires II: The Conqueror's Expansion. It's a fantasy realm where I'm in control, which helps counter some of the anxiety about all the things I'm not in control of. I think it's pretty good therapy, but I still wish I could stop having anxiety attacks all the time. I just want the surgery to be over and done with and everything to be okay, so I can go back to my more normal semi-insane state.

At least Corene understands. She says she loves me, too. :)