A Bondage Primer

Day 6

Sunday, October 19

Ryan opened her eyes and hiccupped on a sob. She'd been screaming in her dream, but luckily the sounds hadn't made their way into the waking world. She knew the converted garage was soundproofed, so the noise wouldn't penetrate the house, but she still hated it when her nightmares followed her out of sleep.

Ryan wiped the tears off on her already wet pillow and sat up. She'd only been asleep for a couple hours at most. Judging by the way she was shaking and how fast her heart was beating, she didn't think she'd be getting back to sleep anytime soon.

Ryan walked around her apartment. She could exercise, but even as emotionally hyped up as she was, she was still physically exhausted. Her small bookcase, lined mostly with library books, didn't interest her in the slightest. She flipped through several trays of DVD copies she'd made of her favorite shows, but nothing seemed to appeal to her.

Ryan sat down at her desk and opened her laptop. She scanned through her queue on her streaming account, but couldn't find anything she wanted to watch. She checked the recently added section, then skimmed through half a dozen other categories, but after twenty minutes of mindless browsing, she still hadn't found anything.

Ryan was about to close her laptop when she decided to check the local cable listings. One of the stations was in the middle of playing a 24-hour comedy classics movie marathon, and there were several coming on soon that she liked, but didn't have.

That settled it. She got up and took a quick shower and got dressed. She grabbed a short stack of blank recordable DVDs and her recorder and went over to Karen's house. The door was locked and Ryan used her key to quietly let herself in.

Originally, Karen had given Ryan a spare key after Ryan had volunteered to be there to meet a cable technician one morning when Karen and McKenzie were going to be unavailable. When Ryan had tried to give the key back afterwards, Karen had told her to keep it "just in case." That had come in handy several times when McKenzie had locked herself out and Karen had been away at work. But Karen had also insisted Ryan could use it to come over and watch TV whenever she wanted after finding out Ryan was an insomniac like Karen.

Ryan grabbed a soda from the kitchen and then returned to the den to set up the DVD recorder with Karen's DVR. She kicked off her shoes while the last few minutes of the current movie played, and then sat through the intervening commercials. As soon as the next movie started, she pressed the record button and settled back to watch. It was one of her favorites, but she'd never been able to catch it from the beginning so she could record it. At least her nightmare had been good for something.

Ryan laughed as the characters got themselves into more and more trouble. The plot was simple, but that was what she liked about older movies. Their uncomplicated morality was relaxing in a way that newer movies, even kids' movies, usually weren't. The sexism and racism could be a bit much sometimes, but Ryan could usually ignore those things, chalking them up to the time period and letting them go in favor of pretending the world was as innocuous and safe as it was portrayed on the screen.

Halfway through the movie, Ryan heard a creaking sound from overhead. A few minutes later, Karen joined her on the couch in her bathrobe and Ryan made room for her.

"Hey," Karen said quietly.

"Hey," Ryan replied.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Just had a bad dream."

"Want to talk about it?"

Ryan considered the offer. Then she nodded.

"I, um... It was about when I was a kid. My mom... She was chasing me with that paddle she always kept in her purse. I thought I'd gotten away and then she was just there in front of me. She grabbed me and... I kept screaming for help, but nobody came. It just hurt... It still hurts," Ryan whispered.

Ryan wiped at the tears that had started falling when she'd begun talking. Karen reached over and squeezed the back of Ryan's neck in comfort.

"Well, you're here now. And nobody's going to hurt you here. So what do you think it meant, oh Interpreter of Dreams?" Karen asked, trying to lighten the mood.

Ryan smiled. From their many midnight chats, she'd gotten a reputation for being able to figure out what people's dreams meant. She shrugged.

"I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. I figured it was just bad memories."

"You know better than that. You're the one who's always saying everything happens for a reason. Why did you dream that dream tonight?"

Ryan thought about it. Her mother had hurt her deeply and she was terrified of being in that kind of situation again. There had been no one but herself to save her and she'd barely made it out of her childhood alive, though she'd been far from intact. For a long time, she'd kept herself closed off, never reaching out for fear of being hurt again.

"I think it might have something to do with McKenzie," Ryan said slowly.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I think I'm afraid of letting her in. But I think maybe I already have and now I'm scared about what's going to happen."

Karen smiled and nodded.

"I was wondering when you'd figure that out."

"Figure what out?"

"That you love her."

Ryan swallowed.

"Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh.' She's a wonderful girl," Karen commented.

"That's the problem," Ryan groused.

"Okay, you lost me."

Ryan sighed.

"She's just a girl. Barely nineteen. I feel like I'm going to corrupt her or something."

Karen snorted.

"Ryan, I've known that girl for over a year now. She's young and she's naïve, but she's her own woman. And I know you would never do anything to intentionally hurt her."

"Maybe not intentionally, but—"

"Ryan, just stop. You know as well as I do that shit happens. If you're thinking you can protect her from your past, you're wrong. It's a part of you and it's not fair of you to try to keep it from her. But you need to remember that none of that stuff was your fault. If she cares about you as much as I think she does, she'll understand."

Ryan nodded. She hoped Karen was right. Then she grinned as she looked over at the older woman.

"Where do you come up with this stuff? I only told you we were talking," Ryan said.

"Yeah, well, she used to go out on dates almost every other night. She had them lined up around the block. Then you move in next door and all that stops. It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together."

Ryan blushed a little.

"I didn't know that," Ryan mumbled.

"Well, now you do."

They both watched the TV for a few minutes and then Karen yawned.

"Well, I think I'm going to head back up to bed. Try to get some sleep, sweetie."

"Yes, ma'am," Ryan grinned and hugged the woman goodnight.

Ryan stretched out on the couch again. As soon as the credits were done, she stopped the DVD and waited to see what the next movie was.

"Cool, I love Doris Day. She's hilarious," Ryan talked to herself.

Ryan started recording and then set the remote on the coffee table. She snuggled back down into the couch and got comfortable, though it wasn't until Ryan saw the first hints of dawn showing through the curtains and heard Karen in the kitchen getting ready for work that she finally relaxed enough to give in to her drooping eyelids. She was asleep soon after.

* * *

A couple hours later, McKenzie woke up and went through her normal morning routine. She exercised, showered, got dressed, ate breakfast while she checked her email, and then returned to her room to brush her teeth in preparation for her day. She had a study group for her English Lit class at eleven o'clock and then she would be free until her second art history study group got together at two-thirty. She hoped she'd get to see Ryan if she was at the bookstore, otherwise she'd spend the time studying.

McKenzie knew she should probably be doing more of that, but it was still the beginning of the semester. Crunch time wouldn't come until December and finals, so she felt like she had time to slack off for a bit.

McKenzie left her bedroom and made her way down the hall to the den. She hoped Karen wouldn't mind relinquishing control of the TV, since she'd heard it playing when she'd passed the den on her way to and from the kitchen earlier, though she hadn't looked in. She just wanted to catch up on one of the morning talk shows she'd become mildly addicted to. She always missed a few episodes, due to having morning classes three days a week, but she'd DVRed them, so she knew they were waiting for her to have a mini binge session.

McKenzie entered the den, prepared to greet her housemate, and then paused as she came around the back of the couch, the words dying on her lips.

Ryan was stretched out and peacefully asleep on the soft cushions. The blanket that was usually neatly folded and placed on the back of the sofa was in a crumpled heap on the floor. Ryan's red sweatshirt and black sweatpants were a little wrinkled, and McKenzie smiled at the serene look on the older woman's sleeping face.

McKenzie's first thought was to go get her tablet so she could sketch the scene, but instead she knelt down next to the couch and simply watched Ryan. Ryan's breathing was deep and even, and McKenzie could feel herself shaking a little with fear and joy at being so close to the woman.

"Ryan, are you awake?" McKenzie whispered.

There was no response, so McKenzie spoke a little louder.

"Ryan? You awake?"

There was still no response, so McKenzie decided it was safe to speak.

"Um, I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean to say what I did. I mean I did, but not like that."

McKenzie stopped. She'd never bared her soul like this to anyone before and she wasn't quite sure why she felt safe to do so with Ryan, but she did. Of course, it helped that the woman was asleep and couldn't hear her ramblings. McKenzie took a deep breath.

"I love you, Ryan. I know you probably think I'm just some kid who doesn't know the meaning of love, but I do. It's you. You're just... You're perfect. I mean I know you have your problems and maybe someday you'll trust me enough to really tell me about them, but you're so strong and smart and beautiful, and I just wanted you to know that I meant what I said last night. I love you. I really do. I just hope you fall in love with me, too. I don't want my heart broken and I know you could totally trash me with just a few words."

McKenzie paused, but then decided to continue.

"I think I fell in love with you the first second I saw you. You were so beautiful and mysterious, and then I got to know you a little and you didn't treat me like a kid the way so many other people do. I mean you do and you don't. You make me feel like I'm an adult, like you trust me, and that I'm responsible for myself, but then you have these rules, but you treat everyone that way, so I know it's not just me." McKenzie sighed and tried to stop her incoherent speech. "Anyway, I just hope you're not mad at me or anything."

"I'm not," came the gravelly response.

McKenzie startled, bumping against the coffee table behind her as she lost her balance for a moment. Her eyes went wide as she watched Ryan stretch and open her eyes to stare calmly at McKenzie.

"I'm not mad at you, baby. Come here."

Ryan opened her arms and McKenzie sat there in shock for a moment before quickly taking advantage of her good fortune and scrambling onto the couch.

Ryan helped the girl find a comfortable position facing her, and then closed her eyes as she nestled into the soft hair near her face.

"I think I love you, too. That's why I don't want to fuck this up. And the only reason I'm able to say that right now is because I'm tired and my defenses aren't up. I had a nightmare last night after I went to bed, so I didn't get much sleep. Think you could just stay here and keep me company?"

Some of the words were slurred and McKenzie could feel Ryan's body relaxing back into sleep even as she asked the question. McKenzie thought over her schedule for the rest of the day and decided she could skip the first study group, but not the second.

"Yeah. I just have to be ready to leave by two."

Ryan nodded.

"'Kay."

McKenzie smiled and kissed the top of Ryan's head. She stopped, her eyes wide as she suddenly realized what she'd done, but there were no reprisals, so she guessed it was okay. She resettled her body to fit more comfortably next to Ryan's and then closed her eyes. She wasn't going to sleep, she was way too wired for that, but she wanted to revel in the feeling of being so close to Ryan without the distraction of sight.

The time went by far too quickly and soon she was attempting to disentangle herself from Ryan's arms and legs without waking her. It didn't work.

Ryan opened her eyes and tried to get her bearings straight. She watched McKenzie sit up and then turn around to look at her.

"How're you feeling?" McKenzie asked.

Ryan took stock and realized she felt pretty good.

"I'm okay. What's going on?"

"I have to go. I didn't mean to wake you."

"Oh. Okay."

Ryan still wasn't awake yet. Her brain was taking in information, but it wasn't really processing it.

"I'll be right back. I just need to put some shoes on."

"Okay."

As McKenzie left to go to her room, Ryan sat up on the couch. She thought back over the previous night and that morning. She'd apparently dozed off during one of the movies and then woken up to hear McKenzie talking to her while the girl thought she was asleep. The walls that had been cracked by her nightmare and subsequent self-examination had been weakened even further by McKenzie's heartfelt confession and she'd easily given in to her desire to have the girl in her arms.

Ryan shook her head. She'd held McKenzie and admitted she loved her. Then she'd let McKenzie kiss her without a single protest. Though none of it had been sexual, Ryan knew if McKenzie had made a move on her, she wouldn't have refused.

"Damn it," Ryan whispered.

The nightmare must have had more of an effect on her than she'd thought. Not that her feelings for McKenzie had anything to do with it.

"Maybe I shouldn't come over here so much."

"Why not?" McKenzie asked as she walked back into the room.

Ryan looked up a little bleary-eyed as she was distracted from her private thoughts, but then answered truthfully.

"Because it's hard for me to obey my own rules when it comes to you."

McKenzie felt her first glimmer of hope that she might have a chance to wear down Ryan's resolve and went with it.

"Um, I've been thinking about that and I was wondering if we could talk. About your rules I mean."

Ryan nodded her head. Open discussion, especially within Dom/sub relationships, was a necessity.

"All right. When?"

"Tonight? We could order a pizza or something."

"Okay. I'll come back over around seven. I think I need to sleep a little more today."

"Okay, I'll see you at seven."

McKenzie offered Ryan a parting smile and then left.

Ryan gathered up her stuff and returned to her apartment. Though the couch was comfortable, she preferred sleeping in the nude and she couldn't do that over at Karen's.

Ryan removed her clothing and set her alarm for six o'clock. She'd only be able to get a few more hours of sleep, but her body told her she needed it. Nightmares tended to take a lot out of her and she'd made a major emotional breakthrough where her feelings for McKenzie were concerned. A nap would probably do her good.

* * *

As soon as her alarm clock went off, Ryan got up. She was ready to go when she saw the pizza delivery guy drive up at five minutes to seven. She beat him to the front door and paid for the meal before going next door. She found McKenzie in the kitchen pulling out plates and cups for both of them.

"Hey. I brought food," Ryan said, holding the box up as proof.

"Hi," McKenzie said as she turned around and smiled.

Ryan could tell McKenzie was nervous and she wondered what exactly McKenzie wanted to talk about. She hoped McKenzie wasn't going to try to change her mind about the 'no touching' rule. Even though they'd kind of already broken it, Ryan knew that if they touched sexually, there would be no turning back. She didn't have that kind of willpower and she was positive McKenzie didn't either.

Ryan set the box on the counter and they each helped themselves to several slices of pizza. Then Ryan poured them both a glass of soda and they went to the dining room to eat. Neither of them spoke for several minutes, but Ryan decided it was time to get the ball rolling.

"So what did you want to talk about?"

McKenzie looked up from her plate and swallowed. Now that she had Ryan's undivided attention, she wasn't sure what to say. She'd been thinking about Ryan's rule of no kissing or touching until she turned twenty ever since Ryan had first mentioned it. But she'd been particularly aware of the limitation while lying next to Ryan that afternoon and later during the rest of the day.

It just didn't seem fair. She'd been an adult in the eyes of the law since she'd celebrated her eighteenth birthday. She didn't understand why Ryan couldn't look at her the same way. Ryan seemed to treat her as an adult in everything else. Why was this so different?

But McKenzie knew she couldn't just ask Ryan to let go of this ridiculous idea that she was untouchable simply because her age ended in -teen. However, she at least wanted to know why Ryan had decided on that particular age as the rule. Maybe the information would help her to persuade Ryan to see reason.

"Um, I was just wondering why you came up with that no teenagers rule. I mean I know you've talked about your parents abusing you and everything, and you don't want to be like them, but... I don't know. It just seemed kind of arbitrary, you know?"

McKenzie cringed at herself and took another bite of pizza while she waited for Ryan to respond.

Ryan watched McKenzie eat as she thought about how to answer the girl's question.

What had made her decide on no teens? She remembered what she'd been like as a teenager and she had to admit she hadn't been like most adolescents. She'd been taking care of herself since she was a child and by the time she'd hit fifteen, she'd been more mature in some respects than most adults she'd met. Which meant the same could be said of other people.

Unfortunately, sometimes it was hard to tell whether someone really had a clue about life or was just pretending they did, and Ryan didn't want to be responsible for corrupting some kid because of a faulty judgment on her part. Ryan figured by the time a person hit twenty, whether they had a clue or not, they were fully responsible for themselves and the situations they put themselves in, so she didn't have to feel obligated to look out for them or double-check that they knew what they'd gotten themselves into. Any younger than that and Ryan felt like she was taking advantage of a child.

As Ryan gazed at McKenzie across the table, she couldn't help thinking how young and innocent the girl looked. Part of her wanted to protect that innocence and for a long moment she seriously considered just standing up and walking away.

Then the image from the night before of McKenzie lying on her bed, hand between her legs, her body racked with pleasure as she cried out for Ryan made Ryan dismiss the idea as ludicrous. She couldn't walk away from this even if she wanted to. Her need for McKenzie was simply too strong, which was another good reason to take things slow. Ryan knew it would be far too easy to overwhelm the girl with some of the things she wanted to do to her. In fact, the only thing keeping McKenzie safe was the physical distance Ryan was trying to maintain between them.

Even though Ryan had for all intents and purposes had sex with McKenzie, she hadn't touched her sexually yet and McKenzie could have stopped it all by simply walking away. If Ryan crossed that line, if she felt no restraints when it came to touching McKenzie, McKenzie would lose that kind of freedom. She would still be able to stop things if she needed to, but Ryan couldn't be sure McKenzie was mature enough to know when things were becoming too much for her.

Ryan settled her thoughts and spoke.

"I guess it's the difference between talking about something and acting it out. If you tell me your fantasies or even masturbate in front of me, that's all you and the same is true in reverse. If I tell you what I want and touch myself in front of you, it's my choice and it starts and stops when I decide. But the second one of us touches the other, it becomes a joint act and it's only truly equal if both parties have the ability to choose. Not just the right, but the ability.

"At least with me not touching you, there's very little chance of something happening that shouldn't. But once we touch, it'll be almost impossible for either of us to stop."

Ryan took a deep breath, trying to calm her rising desire as her mind supplied her with vivid images of what it would feel like to take McKenzie for the first time. She clenched her fist and shook her head as she willed the images to the back of her mind so she could focus on what she needed to say, what she needed the girl to hear.

"I could really hurt you, McKenzie. And I'm not talking about doing anything you don't want. Sometimes what people want isn't what they should get. I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure that the person I'm with is capable of making that kind of decision and I can't trust that a teenager can do that. I know being twenty doesn't magically make you more responsible and so I am kind of being arbitrary in choosing that number. There are some fifty-year-olds I wouldn't trust to be responsible for themselves. But—"

"Can we just talk about me?" McKenzie interrupted.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean just talk about me, not people in general. You're with me, not some unknown person, so the only stuff that matters is what's specific to me."

McKenzie didn't want Ryan to focus on her past experiences. She wanted Ryan to see her the way she was now and base her decisions on McKenzie herself, not some idiot who didn't know a good thing when she found it.

Ryan looked down at her plate.

"All right. I'm sorry. I get disconnected sometimes, especially when I'm trying to intellectualize this kind of stuff."

McKenzie didn't stop to think as she stood up and walked around the corner of the table to sit in the chair next to Ryan's. All she knew was that she wanted Ryan connected to her in the here and now, and somehow she knew her close proximity would do it. But the closeness sparked her ever-present feelings of arousal and she reached for Ryan's hand and held it between both of hers. She just needed to touch Ryan to try to sate that need and no other rational thoughts were able to penetrate her brain after that.

It took a lot of willpower on Ryan's part not to stand up and back away. It took even more willpower not to pull McKenzie to her knees and make her beg for a taste of Ryan's very wet pussy. Unfortunately, that left her with not being able to move at all.

McKenzie watched Ryan's breathing come faster and her own heart rate picked up as she imagined leaning forward and kissing Ryan's lips for the first time.

"McKenzie... I... I can't touch you and then stop. Not like this."

"Then don't stop," McKenzie breathed out.

McKenzie was going on instinct as she drew Ryan's hand up to her cheek and rubbed her face into the soft palm. It seemed the most natural thing in the world for her to then slowly slide to the floor and come to rest on her knees as she looked up into Ryan's startled gaze.

"Ryan, I've been wet for you all day. Whatever you want, I'll give it to you. I want to be yours."

Ryan shot up and almost tripped over her chair trying to put some distance between them.

"God, McKenzie. What are you trying to do to me?"

"Give you what you want. Give me what I want."

"What do you want?" Ryan had to ask the question.

"I want to please you. I want to be everything you want me to be. I'll do whatever you want. Anything."

Ryan took another step back so she could lean against the wall and felt the wetness between her legs as her thighs brushed together. The images of what she wanted to do to McKenzie were coming at her in rapid succession and she couldn't actually decide what she wanted to do first. Then she remembered she wasn't supposed to touch McKenzie at all, but she knew her resolve was crumbling.

As McKenzie watched Ryan struggle with herself, she decided to press her advantage, though something in the back of her mind told her she shouldn't.

"Ryan, I'm not a kid. I know what I want. I want you. Please don't deny us what we both want."

McKenzie stood up from her kneeling position and walked over to the rigidly tense woman. McKenzie knew she was walking a fine line, but it didn't stop her. All she could think about was Ryan kissing and touching her. The thoughts gave her just enough nerve to stand in front of Ryan and offer herself in an attempt to obliterate the last shred of Ryan's resistance.

"Please, Ryan. Anything you want."

As soon as the words left her mouth, McKenzie realized she'd made a mistake somewhere. Just the look on Ryan's face told her that much.

Ryan stood up straighter and took a step forward. She smiled ferally when McKenzie automatically took a step back and lost the bravado she'd had only a moment before.

It was the repeated invitations to let loose her darkest desires that had brought her back to her naturally dominant personality. Ryan had been focused on trying to control her desire for McKenzie, her newly acknowledged feelings wreaking havoc on her ability to easily restrain herself. But McKenzie's constant goading had enabled Ryan to push aside her personal feelings for the moment and recognize McKenzie's actions for what they were: an attempt by a novice sub to manipulate her Dom.

McKenzie had done everything she could to get Ryan to cross the line and be the one responsible for taking their relationship beyond the boundaries Ryan had set without actually crossing that line herself. Ryan tried to get her anger under control before she spoke, but there was no hiding the fact that she was pissed.

"Do you have any idea what I want to do to you? What I could do to your body? Do you think you could stop me? McKenzie, the day I take you will be the day you feel the most intense pain and the most intense pleasure of your entire life and by the time I'm done with you, you won't be able to tell the difference between the two and you will beg me for more."

Ryan took a step back and then turned around and left.