Sunday, December 13, 2009

I Think I'm Starting To Come Back

Written by Kodi Wolf at 9:24 AM

I've been writing. Actual writing. Not notes, not snippets. Actual scenes with description and dialogue and emotions and whole sentences even.

It feels a little scary to write that because I'm afraid it's going to go away again. Shit just keeps happening to pull me away from my writing.

After ditching the Cymbalta, I started feeling a little more like myself towards the end of September, but I was still in a funk and mostly just worked on editing stuff. There just wasn't a whole lot of creative spark in me. I felt muffled.

Then at the beginning of October, I decided to start a new exercise program (swimming, a little weight lifting) with my wife to try to feel better (and to lose some weight; I'm back up to 189lbs), so that sort of took all my focus and energy. Since I still felt kind of muddled from the Cymbalta, I figured focusing on the physical might help, and I think it did. I was jotting down more notes and organizing my story ideas, and I even finished two new chapters of Lights of Life (no, they're not posted; they haven't even been beta-ed yet).

But then, about halfway through October, I got sick with bronchitis. I've had bronchitis before where I just feel like crap and am constantly coughing up junk, etc. But this... I never coughed up anything. My lungs just felt like they'd gone down to about 20% efficiency (sorry, I've been watching a lot of Star Trek :)).

Even a month after finishing off the antibiotics, I still felt like I'd been running a marathon after just walking the 15-20 feet from the living room to the office, and going shopping with Corene required her pushing me around in a wheelchair half the time because I simply couldn't do it on my own.

But it's finally been getting better and I'm having a lot more days where I don't feel like I'm carrying a fifty-pound weight on my chest anymore. I've actually been doing some housework again, and I even put up the winter decorations (Solstice/Christmas tree, etc.), so I know I'm feeling better (though it did take me several days, instead of the one or two it has in the past).

And now, like I said, I've actually been writing. It's made me realize I need to fantasize and visualize more. I need to go to those worlds inside my head and just play. I haven't been playing enough.

I think I get so wrapped up in just getting through the day sometimes, whether it's trying to control my anxiety or work up the energy to do some dishes or balance the checkbook or whatever, that I haven't been allowing myself the freedom to enjoy my creativity, to actually focus on it and put it first. I tend to put it down and treat it like an indulgence. But in a lot of ways it isn't. It's a necessity.

There are two times when I'm at my happiest. The first (and this may be an overshare, but what the hell) is right after having sex with my wife and we're cuddling and talking and just being close with each other, intimate. It's the kind of happiness usually referred to as contentment. Everything feels right in my world. And then there's the time when I'm writing. That kind of happiness I think I would call joy. It's me being me at my best, doing what I feel like I was born to do, what I love to do.

So, I think I'm going to go be me. :)

I just thought I would update everyone, since it's been a few months.

Take care.