Enough

I've been feeling a little uneasy lately
You've been on my mind more than usual
I find myself trying to figure out why that is
Maybe it's because we've talked more times
In the past few days than we have in months
But honestly I think it goes back farther
Well, now that I think about it
Around the first of the month
My boss came back from his vacation
And passed around a photo album
I shouldn't have even looked at it
Once I saw the title page
Lake Tahoe/Yosemite '09 Trip
But no, I must be a glutton for punishment
I looked anyway, because those are places that I love
Unfortunately, they are also places from my past
Or more accurately, places from a past we shared
It was odd seeing the same places we'd been before
With others standing in front of those same vistas
Where we once stood on our honeymoon
I felt sad as I looked from photo to photo
Remembering when we were there
Our wedding was the 12th of June
I think I was affected more from seeing
My boss's vacation photos than
I was by the passing of the anniversary date
Each image felt like another dagger in my heart

Then there's an anti-depressant commercial
That's been running a lot lately
The one that asks the question
"Who does depression hurt?"
The first time I saw it my immediate response was
"Everyone," which was the correct answer
As I watched the commercial
I realized maybe for the first time ever
That I was affected just as much
By your depression as you were
Now I'm not trying to justify my affair
But I believe your depression played a huge part
In the reason why it happened
Then came your affair
Which I never expected
I knew I was more than capable of it
But you, I never thought that you could do that
You've hurt me more
Than I ever would have imagined
In my naiveté and my illusions of love
I thought we'd be together until I died
But that didn't happen, it wasn't meant to be

It was so hard to watch you withdraw
From our relationship and from me
You said you had nothing to give me
Do you have any idea how much that hurt?
You pretty much checked out completely
And yet you expected me to stay
Then you were shocked and dismayed
When I told you that I wanted to have
An affair with another woman
That someone else was willing
To give me what you could not
But you wouldn't even give me that
So I stole moments with her
And never told you anything
And whenever you asked I'd always lie
Saying we weren't having an affair
I'm sure my lying must have hurt you
But by then the communication was gone
As well as the trust
But we stayed together anyway
Until I finally had enough

Ugh... enough... yeah, that's enough of that
Those days are long gone now
And we've both moved on
I should just let it all go
But apparently some things still linger
Damn, it's been seventeen years
Since our honeymoon
Long enough for me to finally
Acknowledge the depth of that loss

6.19.09