Goodbye, Akasha

Never thought I was that attached to you
But the tears that come
In the dark of night
And in the light of day
At thoughts of the inevitable
Tell me otherwise

To me you were just
One of Kodi's cats
To you I am just the human
Who isn't your master
Who puts down food and water
Not the one you seek out
For love and affection

Since Thanksgiving
You've been really sick
And you have from time to time
Climbed up on my lap
Just like you do with Kodi
And I'm shocked that you've actually come to me

Then on Solstice
You didn't look like you felt well
But you tried to participate in the holiday
By loving on your new catnip mouse
You even came over and joined us
In the living room
You let me hold you for a bit

Then later on you came into the office
While Kodi and I were in there
Playing a game on the computer
You left Kodi's lap
And came to me
And slept in my arms for a while

I can't pretend that everything is fine
Because it's certainly not
So we go down the same road
That others before us have gone
Doing anything and everything
That can be done to try and extend
Your life for as long as possible

There are cleaned empty syringes
Lying on the drainboard
Ready for the next round of drugs
And an IV fluids bag hangs
In one of the office closets
I'm taken aback whenever I open that door
And see it hanging there

All the drugs and fluids only gave you
Three more months with us
Hopefully it was worth all the torture
We put you through
But in the end, you still lost weight
Weight you couldn't afford to lose
Your only good kidney was shutting down

It was torture for us to just watch you
Deteriorating so quickly
The kindest thing we could do for you now
Was to simply let you go
Before things got even worse
And you couldn't function at all
That's when I called the vet
And told her about everything
That was happening with you
How you were knuckling your paws
Unable to straighten them without help
How you couldn't seem to walk a straight line
And though you'd let Kodi hold you for a little while
You kept leaving to be by yourself
The vet said that it wouldn't be much longer now

So, I made an appointment
The last one of the day
We arrived early
I let them know we were there
As they prepared a room
I went back out to the car
To where you rested on a pillow
On Kodi's lap
Headbutting her as she petted you

As we sat there, we talked about the difference
In your headbutts now that you're down to
Only three pounds
Your headbutts don't have quite
The same force that they used to
You'd hit so hard it would hurt

We felt like such heels
You had no idea what was going to happen
You were just being your loving self
And we were going to have you put to sleep
But at least you were still cognizant
Of who we were right up to the end

I miss you more than I would have imagined
There are things I will always remember about you
Like whenever we'd eat in the living room
And we were sitting on the couch
You'd walk across us to check out the empty plates
We'd set aside on the end tables

You'd leave little paw prints behind
On the glass end tables and coffee table
You always played in the water bowls
Then you'd shake your foot
Getting litter and water droplets all over the walls

You had this certain meow
That sounded more like you were talking
But you'd only do it
If you thought you were by yourself
Kodi said she caught you doing it once
When you were cleaning Felix
It was almost like you were telling her
Some important life lesson
But you stopped, mid-lick, as soon as you noticed
Kodi was watching what you were doing
As if to cover your slip
You looked up and meowed a perfect "meow"

And if I'd open the fridge to snack on
A slice of lunchmeat, you were there
To get your share of the booty
But you could never silently wait for the next piece
You always had to scream for more
Announcing to the rest of the house
What I was so hoping to keep just between us
And you were usually the first one to come running
Whenever a can of tuna was opened
To get your share of the tuna water

It's been two weeks since you died
The first day of spring was on Friday
So on Saturday in honor of the equinox
We did our first major housecleaning of the year
Kodi finally took down and boxed up the tree
That had been up since Thanksgiving weekend
When you first got sick
That's the longest we've ever had it up
We just didn't have the heart to dismantle it before now
Plus most of our attention had been focused on you
Which I don't think either of us regrets in the slightest

I removed the old sweatshirt off the foot of the bed
From where we placed it to cover up the footboard
From your dirty wet little footprints
That you left everywhere you went
I also took the tablecloth off the bench
That we used to cover it up
To try and keep you from using
The bench as a scratching post

One of your favorite toys was
Something that Kodi made
A Fun-size Milk Duds box
With a balled up Reese's Miniature
Peanut Butter Cup wrapper rattling inside
I loved to watch your reaction
When it appeared after a long absence
You'd happily bat it around
Until it went back under a piece of furniture

And then there was the feather on a string
You'd attack it with a vengeance
Like it was a real bird
You tore that poor feather to pieces
Trying to carry it off as your prey
You hardly ever let Felix have a turn
You'd play so hard and finally rest
Your little sides heaving

You could fly when you lost weight
It almost seemed like you could levitate
Up onto the kitchen counters
And help yourself to unattended leftovers
Especially if it was meat of any kind

Then there was the time
A fully decorated Christmas tree
Fell over in the living room
And neither of you owned up to it
But both of you were the only ones
In the room when it happened
That was the last time we bought a live tree
But now we're down to only one cat
So, whenever something happens
We'll know exactly who did it

You were such a sweet, timid little cat
Never venturing very far off the porch
And you always had to be touching one of us
If Kodi and I were on the couch
You'd be between us
With your back pressing into Kodi's thigh
And your feet pushing into me
Your presence will definitely be missed

Bye-bye Kashi
I love you, silly girl

3.22.09