Those Doors Don't Lock

My eyes fly open
Heart pounding
Breathing rapid and shallow
As I take in my surroundings
I realize I'm lying in bed
Kodi is beside me
I am safe, I'm okay

It was a dream
A very bad one at that
But still just a dream
I'm relieved and I speak
My relief out loud
To which Kodi agrees
She's just awoken
From her own nightmare
I ask, "What was it about?"
She replies, "I'd just been arrested
For a murder I didn't commit"
I laugh and say
"I was about to commit one"

I'm really not sure just how
The dream actually began
It's hard to even recall the beginning
Since the ending was so intense
And I'm not even sure
That this is the beginning
But what I remember is...

I had this peaceful sense
Of being at home alone
That everyone else had left
It was similar to the feeling
I got as a teenager when
My parents and brothers had gone out
And I had the house all to myself

But in the dream it wasn't my parents' house
It was my house
The same one I live in now
I was only wearing underpants
Boxers I think because that's what
I normally wear around the house in the summer
But usually I have a shirt on as well

Anyway, since I was home alone
I felt like masturbating
But for some reason
My vibrator wouldn't work right
It only had a tiny bit of power
Which was frustrating
I wondered if the plug
Had come out of the socket
But I didn't check to see if it was
I turned it off and back on again
And it still didn't work
My next thought was
Kodi's going to be pissed
If we have to buy me a new one

Then I left the room I was in
And walked down the hallway
Towards the kitchen but before
I stepped into the room completely
I noticed someone was sitting
On a couch that was in front of
The dining room window
It was a young woman
She was wearing a dress
Her hair was still wet from a shower
And she sat on the edge of the couch
Like she was waiting on something
Then movement outside caught my attention

Through a row of windows along that same wall
I saw a middle-aged woman
Walking around the house
Towards the back door
The woman was short and very obese
Wearing a skirt and long sleeve jacket
Made of the same bright red material
Her steps were deliberate
Like she was on a mission

Instantly I knew she was a Jehovah's Witness
Even though she carried
No Bible and no book bag

As she got closer to the door
I felt panicked and a bit embarrassed
That I was half-naked
I looked at the young woman again
And this time she felt familiar
As if we were related, my niece maybe
And I said, "Get rid of her...
And don't let her in!"
Then I turned around
And started down the hallway
Towards the bedroom to put on a T-shirt

But before I got there I heard
My niece talking to the woman
As if she'd been waiting for her to arrive
And it sounded like my niece
Had let her into the house
My immediate thought was
"Oh, hell no you didn't"
And I went back into the kitchen
Not caring that I was mostly undressed

I pointed at the back door
Rather than covering my naked breasts
And I yelled at the woman
"Get the fuck out of my house!
I don't care why you're here!
You have no right to be in my house!"
But she didn't leave

Instead the woman started towards me
And I finally got a closer look at her
She wore a white blouse under her red suit
The neckline was round
And close on her throat
She had short brunette hair
And there were dark moles all over her face
And she was talking all the while
But I didn't want to hear what she had to say
So I retreated into the bedroom
Into the far closet and shut the door

I hoped to put on a T-shirt
So I wouldn't be half-naked anymore
But those doors don't lock
And the woman tried to pull the door open
I had to hold onto the doorknob
With both hands just to keep the door shut
So I couldn't put on a shirt

Then the woman managed to get the door open
And I yelled profanities at her again
My niece was in the room too
And I yelled at her as well

Then I went back into the closet again
And I realized that there was an inner door
One that didn't open out into the bedroom
But instead it opened inward into the closet
And I figured that if I could wedge
Something under the door from inside
Then the woman wouldn't be able to open it

But as I shut the door
I suddenly realized it was a French door
With a full pane of glass from ceiling to floor
Which was no good

No longer able to hide
I left the closet
And started yelling obscenities again
I noticed that my niece was sitting in a chair
Between the two main closet doors
My anger towards her exploded
And I told her, "I'm gonna fucking kill you!
How could you betray me like this?
How could you let that damn woman into my house?"

As I moved towards my niece
The woman stepped in between us
Not letting me get to my niece

I was so angry and out of control
And I wondered if I was insane
Because if I could've gotten my hands
On my niece I would've strangled her
But I couldn't get to her
So I just kept screaming at her
"I'm gonna fucking kill you!"
While she just sat in the chair
And covered her face
With her hands as she cried

I was still yelling at her
When I finally woke up

7.11.08

CMT

Author's Notes

In the telling of this dream, I'm unsure if I have properly conveyed the same level of intensity that I felt in the dream itself (Kodi tells me I have). When I woke up, I actually wondered what my blood pressure was at that exact moment. I was extremely angry and screaming profanities at both women. One was a supposedly Christian woman while the other one was a relative of mine. In reality they were both complete strangers.

I was a bit shaken by the magnitude of my anger in the dream, which was obvious by how much I swore. I know if I said the word fuck once, I said it a hundred times. For me, profanity is a normal part of my everyday speech, although if I'm around strangers I do try to curb the habit. But in the dream, I didn't hold back a thing.

I don't think the meaning of this dream is too difficult to figure out. I think the young woman or my niece probably represents my mother (and possibly my whole family). Lately I've been feeling an ever-increasing level of anger towards my mother and her religion. I don't think I'm quite ready to unleash all the anger and frustration I feel towards my mother and the religion in which I was raised, so I think my mind substituted someone else for my mother, another relative that I wouldn't have a problem venting my anger towards. I hope this doesn't make me seem cold or callous, because I really don't believe that I actually want to kill my mother (though I would like to shake her really hard sometimes). Rather I think the dream gave me a glimpse of just how much repressed anger I have towards my family. And that's scary. But I think what is even scarier is what might happen if I ever get to a point where I just explode like I did in the dream.

When I described the dream to Kodi she said, "I'm glad you stood up for yourself." Then I said, "How did I do that? I ran and hid in the closet." To which she replied, "No, your intent wasn't to go to the closet to hide. You never tried to cower in a corner. You went into the closet to get a T-shirt, to protect yourself, and even after you couldn't put on the shirt because you had to hold the door closed (again, protecting yourself) and the door became transparent (highlighting your vulnerable state), you still stood up to the woman and confronted your niece on her betrayal." I love how Kodi tries to see the good in everything. It made me feel better trying to see the good in the bad.

I found it very interesting that even though the Christian woman was talking to me or preaching at me throughout most of the dream, I don't think I actually heard a word she said, because I can't recall any of her words directly.

Kodi actually titled this poem for me. I couldn't seem to come up with one myself. Her other idea was "Back in the closet." But I liked "Those doors don't lock" better because it could be taken several different ways, literally meaning, "Our closet doors won't lock because they don't actually have locks on them," and then figuratively, as in, "I can't seem to lock the doors to keep my mother out."