One More Time

Father's Day will be here in a few weeks
The greeting cards are out on display
I walk towards them and wonder
If I'm ready to buy one this year

I don't have to wait long for an answer
My body's response is immediate
The loss is still too recent
It still hurts way too much

I close my eyes at the pain the very thought
Of trying to pick a card causes
I shake my head... no, I'm not ready yet
I turn around and walk back down the aisle

No matter how hard I wish I wasn't affected
By this damn holiday, my eyes fill with tears
As I realize just how much I miss my dad
What I miss the most right now is his touch

I miss it so much that sometimes
I find myself looking at older men, watching them
Comparing their physical features
With that of my father's

And sometimes I even wish I had the nerve
To walk up to one of them and ask for a hug
To sate the need, the desire to feel
The security of masculine arms around me

But almost as quickly as the impulse arises
The thought of acting on it is fiercely rejected
For the instant of joy it might bring
Would immediately be overshadowed

With immense pain at the knowledge
That it's not him
It's not my father
Not the one who gave me life

It wouldn't be his hands touching me
Hands that were short yet muscular
Rough and callused from working with tools
And from picking up brick and stone

It wouldn't be his arms that were holding me
Arms that were once strong
From a lifetime of manual labor
Arms that squeezed me tight and held me close

It just wouldn't be him
It wouldn't be his beard that scratches my cheek
Nor would it be his scent filling my lungs
It just wouldn't be my daddy

No matter how tempting or how tangible
It might feel to be in a man's arms
It would still be exactly what it is
A stranger's hug, which isn't what I truly want

It wouldn't fill the longing for the familiar
It wouldn't satisfy the need
To feel his physical presence
To feel my father's arms around me

But most of all a stranger's hug
Wouldn't ease the ache in my heart
Nor would it stop me from wishing
That I could be in his arms just one more time

But then again...
One more time would never be enough

5.31.08

CMT

Author's Notes

This is a follow-up of sorts to the Father's Day poem I wrote last year.

It was on a Thursday night when Kodi and I had taken my mother shopping. We were in Wal-Mart and she wanted to get a card for my younger brother who was having surgery the next week. The Get Well cards were on the back side of where the Father's Day cards were located. Mom and I looked through the cards, but didn't find anything that would be appropriate. While we were looking at them, Kodi walked around to the other side of the aisle to see what cards were over there. After a few minutes, she came back and asked if we wanted to check out those cards. She'd found some nice ones. As we walked down the aisle, I glanced towards the Father's Day cards and wondered if I could actually buy one. But I couldn't do it.

Then Friday night, I lay in bed trying to relax enough to fall asleep. My brain started thinking about the previous night and the Father's Day cards and the fact that the loss of my father's presence still hurts so damn much that I couldn't even buy a stupid card. As my thoughts ambled along, still I wondered what kind of card I might have chosen. What did I want to say to my dad with the card if I could have bought one? The answer was I would tell him that I missed him. And the tears came at the realization of how badly I've been missing him. And of actually telling him exactly what I've been thinking the past few months whenever I was out in public and would see grandfatherly men.

I finally fell asleep thinking that I should write down those thoughts. I even considered getting out of bed and doing it then. But I knew I was way too tired to write a poem and do it justice. I drifted off to sleep thinking, "I'll do it tomorrow." And that's exactly what I did after I got up Saturday morning.

I sent the poem to my therapist in an email. The response she sent back made me cry:

"Close your eyes. Then, think of all the things about him that you said in your poem, his smell, his calloused hands; all that you need to remember. Then, imagine his arms around you like so many times before. Do that one more time, and one more time and one more time...... Don't forget to hug him back. Hope this helps."