Last Words

It was last year
On Wednesday, April 11th
My younger brother's birthday
When your cancer doctor called a family meeting
When Kodi and I got to his office at 5:00pm
My mother and my older brother
Were already there in the waiting room
My older brother's wife was the next to arrive
And then finally my younger brother
It was close to 5:30pm when his assistant
Took us back to a conference room
She brought us some drinks and then
The doctor finally came in a bit later

He told us your cancer had returned
And that if you were younger and healthier
He'd fight the cancer more aggressively
But you weren't, you were tired
And so tired of being in the hospital
You just wanted to go home to be with your dog
He wouldn't say how much longer you might have
And they were going to call in hospice
And let you go home early in the next week

Afterwards we all decided to go see you at the hospital
I hadn't seen you since the night before my knee surgery
Which was exactly four weeks earlier on March 14th
You were so out of it that night
I don't think you even knew I was there
We'd almost lost you the week before though
To a staph infection you got on your elbow
Your body was so swollen
From all the drugs and fighting the infection
It was hard to even recognize you
And it was difficult to see you in so much pain

But a month later to my surprise
You looked so much better
Most of the bloating was gone
Your arms and hands looked almost normal
And you were sitting up in bed
Laughing and joking
And you seemed happy to see me
At one point you smiled this huge smile
I can't even remember why now
But the image just struck me
As your cheeks scrunched up
Your eyes closed
With your bald head and round belly
And you were sitting Indian style
I just had to laugh
You looked exactly like a Jolly Buddha
I didn't share the thought with anyone else at the time
They wouldn't have appreciated it like I did
They wouldn't have even understood how much
The thought comforted me

I saw you twice that weekend
Once on Saturday when Kodi and I took Mom shopping
We stopped by to see you for a bit
Then on Sunday, Mom asked me to go
By the hospital that morning
And give you some herbal stuff
That was supposed to help your immune system
I got you to take it even though you didn't want to
Then a physical therapist came in
And asked if you were still up for going to meet
Some other patients in the activity room to play a game
You didn't seem to want to go and tried to beg off
But she reminded you of a previous conversation
Where she'd suggested you should get out of your room
And live each moment that you had left
Instead of just staying in your room
And being depressed about your situation
You acquiesced and she helped you into the wheelchair
Then you asked if we'd like to come along, too
I gave Kodi a questioning look and she nodded her head
So we followed along behind you

The other two patients had suffered strokes
You were to play checkers with the gentleman
While the physical therapist played Connect Four with the lady
All of you sat at a round table together
Kodi and I sat down in some chairs
That were directly behind you
But you didn't like not being able to see me
So we moved and sat in some chairs off to your right
You were your typical self
Making little smart-ass comments
And then winking at me from time to time
After you'd said something cute
You were the most cognizant of the three
You played for about a half-hour
Then the therapist took the woman back to her room
Leaving you and the other man still sitting there at the table

I looked across to the far side of the room
In walked a man with a teenage boy in tow
They were both wearing suits
As they walked towards us
I hoped that they were there to see the other man
Which I mentioned to Kodi
But she figured they were there to see you and they were
You didn't bother to introduce Kodi or me to them
And they didn't introduce themselves either
You just sort of ignored us
I didn't like being ignored
It really hurt my feelings
It felt like our company was only good enough
Until someone better came along
Until your friends from church walked in
Then everything changed
I guess I could have spoken up and introduced myself
But it wasn't my place to, it was yours
After all they were your friends

All I really wanted to do was get out of there
I didn't want to listen to their words
Their doctrine, I just wanted to leave
We had other stuff, better stuff that needed to get done
Than hanging around somewhere I wasn't wanted
I asked Kodi if she was ready to go
Which of course she was
So I waited for a break in the conversation
Only it never really came
So, after a few more minutes
I'd had about all I could stand
I decided to go ahead and interrupt
I said, "Well, Dad we're going to go"
I stood up and hugged you from behind
And I told you that I loved you
To my surprise you actually said it back
For some reason it was important to me
That your company knew exactly who I was
Then we walked away and I held my head up high
I didn't care what they might have thought

On Tuesday, April 17th, you were released from the hospital
Since you were finally home, that weekend
My brothers decided to do some work on
My older brother's place in the mountains
They thought that you had more time
And that you were doing better
Now that you were home
But in reality you grew steadily weaker
Saturday afternoon, Mom called me
And asked if I could come over and help her
She was upset with you because
You wanted to lie down on the floor and take a nap
You did it in spite of the fact that she asked you not to
Because she knew she wasn't capable
Of getting you off the floor by herself
So she asked me to come over
I told her it would be a while before I could get there
That I needed to take a shower
And it took 45 minutes to get there
I suggested that she call my cousins
Who lived across the street for help
When I got there my cousins had just gotten you off the floor
Then you made some smart-ass comment to me
About knowing exactly when to show up
So I wouldn't have to do anything

After my cousins left, some friends of yours
From church came by to see you
Then after they left Mom tried to get you to eat something
But you weren't very hungry
I think you had some yogurt and a handful of pills
You were so weak you could barely hold the glass still
I tried to help steady it for you
Then you just wanted to go lie down in the bed
So, Mom and I helped you out of the wheelchair and onto the bed
Then Mom asked if I would mind
Taking her to the grocery store to get a few things
She called my cousins back over to stay with you

While we were on our way to the store
Mom told me how hard it had been taking care of you
And how you thought it would be much easier
Once you got home from the hospital
Mom said she wasn't strong enough to be a full-time nurse
And she also talked about your wills
Then as we walked around Wal-Mart
We talked of how unprepared we were for your death
I took the opportunity to tell her
That I was not going to wear a dress to the funeral
Mom asked if I didn't have a skirt that I could wear
I told her no and that I was wearing pants
She didn't like the idea but she let it go
Then later on when I was ready to go home
I went into the bedroom to tell you that I was leaving
You were still sleeping on the bed
I rubbed your back and said I love you
All I got in return was a grunt

On Monday, April 23rd you had an appointment
That morning with your cancer doctor
You were so weak you couldn't even get into the van
A couple of your friends from church had to help you
Then once you were at the doctor's office
He gave you an injection of one of the cancer drugs
He also pulled some strings
And got you into the hospice facility that afternoon
Mom called me and asked if I would pick her up
From there and take her home
Of course I said I would
Then she called back a little later
And asked if I'd run out to the house first
And get the discharge papers they gave you
Last week when they let you go home
So I got off work early and drove out there
And then back into town to the hospice

Although there was a typical nurse's station
The patient rooms were more like a hotel
Than a hospital room
Which felt easier somehow
The TV was in a piece of furniture instead of up on the wall
Each room had large windows and a door
That went outside to a small patio
Complete with a rocking chair and a few cats
I went out and said hello to them
And there was a small pond with a waterfall
And several kinds of birdfeeders
There were also benches and a small table and chairs
The landscaping was nice, really nice
You'd hardly even know you were in the city
It was so peaceful out there

And all the nurses were really nice, too
When I first got there, I couldn't go into the room
They were bathing you and they even gave you a shave
They left a little mustache and goatee
Which I thought looked kind of funny
Since all your whiskers were white
I'd never seen you with a mustache before
And everyone touched you and held your hand
When they talked to you
You also did something I'd never seen you do before
One of the volunteers came in and introduced himself
Before leaving he asked if you'd mind if he prayed with you
To which you agreed
You'd never allowed anyone other than
Jehovah's Witnesses to pray for you
I was a bit shocked
You were a lot more talkative
Than when I'd seen you on Saturday
You seemed more relax there than you did at the hospital
It was much quieter there than the hospital ever was

I hung out there for an hour or so
Your youngest son came in at some point
And everyone was talking and reminiscing
I mostly just sat in the recliner
In the corner on the far side of the bed
And just listened to the conversation
When Mom was ready to go
And it came time to say good-bye
I went to give you a hug
You held out your hand to me
So I took it and you gripped it tighter
Than I thought you had the strength for
Then you pulled me towards you
With your free hand you patted me on the back
With my nose stuck into your neck
I breathed in the scent of you
You smelled like the soap from your bath earlier
Your face and neck were nice and smooth
No scratchy whiskers at all
Finally I said, "You smell good
I love you, Daddy, I really do"
You made a crack trying to imply
That I meant you normally smelled bad
Then you patted my back again
And said "I love you, too"

That was the last time I saw you alive
Those were the last words
We ever said to each other

4.2.08