Only To Realize

I awoke with the image of your face
Seared into my consciousness
With a cry on my lips
At the sound of sadness
I heard in your voice
And the look of sorrow in your eyes
As you said the words "good-bye"
I felt the intensity of the pain
Of your impending death
The likes of which
My mind could not bear in the dream
So it fled into wakefulness
Only to realize that your death
Was no longer imminent
Your death had already occurred

The dream was a strange one
My younger brother and I were in a mall
He leaned over to say something to me
To which I made some cutting remark back to him
Then I got up and walked away
And I started looking at the shops
But the whole time I kept
Thinking about my brother
I kept feeling like I needed to find him
And talk to him
I felt this need to tell him
That he didn't need to believe
The religion of our parents
That I no longer did

I eventually saw my brother standing on a bench
So I approached him to apologize
For my earlier behavior
But before I could say anything
He spoke and asked if I was still cranky
Before I could respond
My mother was standing there beside me
Saying that we needed to go
That I needed to drop her off at work
So that I could get back to work myself
But I still felt the need to talk to my brother
I turned back to speak to him
To tell him that we'd talk later

What I saw then totally surprised me
My brother was no longer an adult but a child
Lying in a bed with the covers
Almost completely over his head
I was standing at the head of the bed
I pushed the covers back a little bit
And with one hand I smoothed out his blond hair
I leaned down and kissed the top of his head
And spoke softly to him
I told him that I was sorry for what I'd said earlier

As I pulled back and began to straighten up
I glanced over to the right
And saw the swollen cheeks and hands
Of my father who was lying there in bed too
With his arms around my brother
I leaned in to give my father a kiss on the cheek
And was immediately hit with the knowledge
That he was dying
A sudden cry burst from my chest
I then pulled back a bit
To wipe my father's cheek dry
From my sudden outburst
When his hand caught mine
I stared at his hand
I knew it was his hand
I felt it squeeze mine
Which caused me to look into his eyes
Just as he said "good-bye"

I was suddenly filled with the need to cry
And escape all at the same time
I couldn't let him see me this way
So I turned to leave
That's when I woke up

Only to realize...

2.10.08