Ghost From The Past

It's been so long since I've seen her
At the very least it's been seven years, maybe more
I haven't seen her at all
Since Kodi and I have been together

One of the last times I did, I felt her presence
Long before I ever saw her
I knew she was there in that crowded restaurant
Way before she came over to our table to speak

But this time was different
In more ways than one
This time was so very unexpected
I think I'd gotten past the point
Of expecting to run into her
Sometime, somewhere

But there I was in the home décor section
Of Wal-Mart, Kodi and I were looking at curtains
Trying to find a valance to match
The curtains we bought last year
For our kitchen renovations

When two people walked down the same aisle
I didn't really pay too much attention to them
One pushed a cart and stopped behind me
A little past my right shoulder
The other one stopped on the far side of Kodi
Who was standing to my left

Then the person behind me spoke
It was a woman's voice
Although the words were spoken softly
I wondered if it was her, if it was Lust Woman
But no, it couldn't be, the voice wasn't right
I would have felt it because
Her voice could always get to me

But still I wondered... maybe
So, I glanced over to my left and saw
An older woman, tall with white hair
Could that be her mother?
But how would I know, I never met her
So, I dismissed the thought
And Kodi and I talked and kept looking at curtains

Then she spoke again, a little louder this time
A cold chill ran down my spine
Accompanied by the thought, 'Oh my God, it is her'
I'll never forget the sound of that voice

Immediately I wondered why hadn't she spoken to me
She was the most gregarious person I'd ever met
But she might not have known it was me
I've let my hair grow out since I saw her last
And then the thought occurred to me
That maybe she did recognize me
Maybe she didn't want to speak to me
Because I never returned her phone calls
Or responded to her letters
But she wouldn't treat me that way, would she?

Hell, it might not even be her
So, I decided to find out
I stepped to my left a bit
And back into the center of the aisle
Then I nonchalantly looked to my right
Pretending to look down the aisle at the curtains
Out of my periphery I could see it was definitely her
Her hair was much shorter than I'd ever seen it
But her ass was the same if not bigger

While all these thoughts had been running through my head
Kodi and I continued to talk about the curtains
Not finding what we were looking for
We decided to leave and go to another store
Once we'd walked away a few aisles
I stopped to tell Kodi about what had just happened

Back years ago in the height of my obsession with her
I would never have imagined that one day
We'd both just walk away and not even speak to each other
I would not have believed that either one of us
Would ever not acknowledge the other's presence
I would never have thought I was even capable
Of being that close to her, only a few feet away
And show no outward signs of being affected by her
I was glad that I held my ground and didn't run away
I walked away when Kodi and I were ready to leave
I never thought I could be that close to her and not want her

And now as I write this I wonder at my behavior
Why I so obviously did not want to talk to her
Why I didn't want to introduce Kodi to her
Why I didn't want to hear her gush over me
Like she'd done so many times in the past
Was it the old adage of time heals all wounds
Was it because I am so over her
Was it because she might have been with her mother
Was it because I was with my wife, the love of my life

Or maybe it was because I am so much happier now
Than I ever was back then
When all I so desperately wanted
Was simply for her to love me

Maybe it was because I am finally able to admit
If only to myself just how deeply she hurt me
When she chose to marry another
And when it didn't work out, only then
Did she want to start seeing me again

And at the time I was single
I could have gotten involved with her again
But I didn't and I'm so glad
Because if I had, I would have never met Kodi
And I wouldn't have what we have now

Maybe I only wanted to share with her
What I'd share with complete strangers
Nothing but what they can see
Maybe I wanted her to see my life from a distance
To see that I have moved on
To see that I am happy now

No longer how she left me
Brokenhearted, or living with her ghost

12.1.07