Regrets

I never wanted to have them
And I wish I didn't
But I do have some
As far as you're concerned

I regret not spending more time with you
But it was extremely difficult
To watch the changes your body went through
From the cancer and its treatment
It was hard to see you in so much pain
We almost lost you when you got the staph infection
At one point your entire body was so swollen
It didn't even look like you
You didn't look like the father I'd always known

During your deathwatch wasn't the first time
I'd pulled away from you and Mom
And kept emotional distance between us
I've done it for more years than I care to mention
In the past though I told myself it was because
I wanted to protect you from being corrupted by my sins
But if I'm honest with myself
I wasn't protecting you from me
It was the other way around
I was protecting me from you
Protecting my heart from your hurtful words
And your view of God and your obvious disappointment in me

I lied to you and tried to keep my life hidden as well
Forgive me for not having the courage to tell you I was gay
I'm sorry I never told you about either of my weddings
But you would not have approved of two women
Making vows to one another
So, I decided not to include you to save myself the heartache
And the drama of hearing how God and you would abhor such an act of love
I may have saved myself some pain back then but I feel it now
Forgive me for not allowing you to have the honor
That most fathers share with their daughters
That of walking me down the aisle and giving away my hand in marriage
The closest you ever got to that was seeing me all dressed up
In a formal evening gown for my senior prom when I was 18
But I was still irreverent in the white eyelet dress that Mom made
Being the first one of your children to attend such an event
You were taking Polaroids of the occasion
And had laid the photos out in a row on the picnic table to cure
Thinking I was alone, and wanting to get a closer look at the pictures
And not wanting to get my dress dirty or snag it on the wood
I pulled up the long skirt and stood on the seat
Then crouched down so that my knees touched the edge of the table
With my elbow on one knee and my chin in my hand
I looked at the pictures
When you saw me and took the candid shot
Of me being so very much unladylike
I always loved that photograph even better than the professional one
Because to me it captured my spirit perfectly
You could dress me up, but I could still refuse to be a lady

I regret that you never got a chance to meet my new in-laws
And see how kind and accepting they are of your wayward child
I'm also saddened that you didn't get to witness my handfasting to Kodi
And see for yourself how deeply we love each other

I'm sorry that you had to die for me to finally feel safe enough
To open up and be honest with you
Forgive me for not standing up to you and telling you when you'd hurt me
Neither you nor Mom had any qualms about hurting me
You had your reasons and you felt justified in what you said and did
You were only doing what you thought was right
But I don't believe that the ends justify the means
What you did never brought me closer to God
It only served to push me farther away from both you and from God
Hurting me deeply in the process
I wouldn't hurt either of you intentionally like that
But then again maybe I did by refusing to follow in your footsteps

You have no idea how deeply I have been affected by that religion
All the wonderful and loving things you believed about God
Was not what I was taught to believe
You see, I knew at a very young age that I was different
I knew I was a homosexual before I ever really knew what sex was
So all the good things about God were overshadowed
With the fact that this religion taught that God hated me
For something that I'd never even done
Hated me simply for who I was, a homosexual
No matter how hard I tried to pretend I wasn't gay
I still knew the truth and so did God
I lived without hope of ever achieving God's love
But I could not stand to live without your love as well
For that reason I tried to become the daughter you wanted me to be
Professed to believe in the same things that you did
I lived my entire life in constant fear of rejection
Fear of you finding out the truth about me
If you ever did, you'd hate me, just like God
Forgive me for pretending to be something I wasn't
Because of that I feel that you knew and loved someone else
And not the real me

I also think you confused me being supportive of your beliefs
With that of me actually believing in them
When you said what you did to me
After having one of your lymph nodes removed last year
You said, "Girl, you need to change your ways. And you know what I mean.
You've been brainwashed, that's not who you are. And you know it."
Then you reached up and put your hand on my arm
And squeezed it and continued
"But I love you, anyway," which I think
You assumed would make me happy
It didn't, it hurt that you had to add the caveat
It told me that you did not love me unconditionally
It also reinforced the idea that you didn't know me

But you know what hurt even more was the fact
That I didn't expect that kind of behavior from you
From Mom sure, she pushed her beliefs on me all the time growing up
She'd even said something similar to me
When she was recovering from hernia surgery in 2005
The words she said cut me to the depths of my soul
But you'd never done anything like that before
I was lulled into a false sense of acceptance from you
I assumed that because you'd never said a word to me about being gay
That you were more tolerant of my choices

For instance, the incident at the grocery store
Back when Kodi and I had first started living together
We'd gone out to dinner with you and Mom
Afterwards Mom wanted to stop at the store for a few things
Kodi and I went into the store as well
When we walked through the produce section
I picked up a green twist tie and proceeded to make it into a tiny ball
Then we'd walked around the corner of an aisle
And sensing that the coast was clear
Meaning neither you nor Mom were in sight
I took aim with the balled up twist tie
At the line of Kodi's cleavage visible above the edge of her tank top
To my amazement I made the shot perfectly
My elation was short-lived because you busted me
You'd walked around the corner
Just in time to see the playful moment between us
In my embarrassment I looked up at you
Expecting some kind of negative reaction
But instead I was rewarded with a smile and a wink from you
The look on your face was as if you thought I was a chip off the old block
Since you were always playing the same kind of practical jokes
I loved that we shared that moment together and so did Kodi
About a month ago I was surprised to find out
That she had saved that twist tie
It's been in her jewelry box ever since that night seven years ago

In my heart of hearts, that's the way I'd prefer to remember you
As a kind supportive father who loved his only daughter
Regardless of who she chose to love
I forgive you for the pain and suffering that your narrow-minded religion
And your thoughtless words have caused

I'd also rather believe that you have your own regrets
About hurting me and the one I love
Because one morning about two months after you died
Kodi and I both woke from having similar themed dreams
In Kodi's dream, you were very accepting of our relationship and of us
Her dream ended with a teenage boy calling us an abomination before God
To which she responded, "Don't ever blaspheme God like that again!
If God sends you a man to love, you will love him.
There won't even be a question. Where do you think our love comes from?
God is love. Love can only ever come from God."
And then in my dream, a Jehovah's Witness woman was preaching at me
When I tried to find the scriptures
Against homosexuality in my own Bible
Scriptures that I knew I'd seen a hundred times before
I couldn't find them at all but instead two women appeared
Called me by name, saying, "You don't have to listen to this.
You can leave. You can just walk away."
Kodi and I both believe that those dreams came from you
And that you finally approved of our relationship
So I'd like to thank you for those dreams

I forgive you for dying and leaving Mom behind
I know you didn't really have a choice in the matter
I also know that you didn't want to die
I forgive you for your anger at being disillusioned that you'd never die
And I wonder if you lost your faith in the end

I also forgive you for not being there when I needed you
And for not getting involved when Mom would confront me about things
You'd always just let her handle it
Which meant that I had to face her alone
You never came to my rescue
I was all by myself, with no emotional or moral support
I had no shield, no protection against her wrath
So I had to learn how to protect myself
But still I wonder if your non-involvement was just you avoiding conflict
Or if you actually condoned what Mom said and did to me

But life with you wasn't all bad
There were times when you were there for me when I needed you
For example, right after Wolfmoon and I broke up
You let me spend a two-week vacation with you and Mom
Where we visited Mom's parents in Canada
The last I had been up there was with Wolfmoon
It was good to go back up there again one last time
It was the last time I'd see my grandparents alive
It was also the last time I'd go to their cottage down on the island
Because the property was sold shortly after their deaths
But while we were there something truly amazing happened
I saw the Northern Lights for the first time
I'm glad to have shared that moment with you and Mom
So, thank you for giving me an escape from the drama of my life
And from the mental trauma of the breakup of my first marriage

You also let me spend many a weekend at your house with you and Mom
And you didn't even mind if I brought along my kitten Megan
She and your dog Ty were a lot of fun to watch
And they enjoyed playing together too
You didn't ask too many questions about the breakup
Nor did you force me to go to church with you either
You gave me a place to just be
A place without a lot of demands
Which gave me a chance to heal
Instead of jumping right into another bad relationship
Because there was someone else who wanted to be with me
But she would not have been good for me
Thanks for giving me a place to rest and get myself together
Before I started looking for love again

I have some very fond childhood memories of times spent together
Like all the summer vacations that you took us on
Which I'd like to thank you for because
I know times were hard and money was tight
But you still managed to take us to lots of different places
On my most recent road trip I thought about you quite a bit
As I drove I watched the scenery pass by
I wondered if you ever thought any of us cared about our surroundings
Because of the way you tried to make jokes to get our attention
I want you to know that I was paying attention
I got it; I have a deep love of nature and of wild places
I may have been lying down in the back of our Vista Cruiser
But I was looking out the window
At the sky, the clouds and the layers of rock that were cut through
I also realized probably for the first time that you did all the driving
Because Mom never learned how to
I don't think I ever thanked you for that
So thank you for making sure we arrived alive
As I drove I also wondered how I ended up
Marrying a woman who couldn't drive either

I'd like to thank you for the many gifts you've given me
My life for starters and for all the things I've learned from you
Like how to change a flat tire and how to hammer a nail
How to swim and how to fish
How to drive a car, how to love
Or should I say, how not to love someone

In spite of all your faults you were my father
And I know I loved you
I remember a story that Mom told me
A long time ago of my early childhood
She said that when I was just a baby
I would hardly ever go to you
And when you held me I would cry to go back to her
But by the time I'd learned to stand
Apparently I'd grown out of that phase
Because whenever we'd go somewhere in the car
I would stand in the front seat between you and Mom
I would stand next to you as you drove
Leaning into you with my arm on your shoulder
And my little hand touching your neck

But you are gone now and there are days
Where I find myself wishing I could still hug your neck
For as long as I live I will remember you, Dad
You were and always will be my father
Just as I will always be your daughter
And that's something I can't regret

Love always,

Corene

10.25.07