Not with words

I dreamed of you a few nights ago
And it's been a while since I have
I seemed to dream of you a lot
Right after you first died
They served only as a reminder
That you were gone, which hurt
I didn't want or need the reminder
But since then the dreams
Have been fewer
Until the other night

When I dreamed I was sitting
In some assembly hall
With people all around
I looked over to my left
On a nearby row
And you were making your way
Through the aisle
Maybe on your way to a seat
But as you passed by me
You didn't look at or speak to me
I noticed the clothes you had on
Light blue pants and a light blue shirt
My immediate thought was
Well, I can tell Mom isn't
Dressing you now
Later on, I leaned over to my grandmother
Who was sitting beside me and asked
If my father was still there
She looked around past me
And replied, yes, he's still there

That's really all I remembered of the dream
For days I wondered just what it meant
I wondered why you didn't
Acknowledge my presence
Why didn't you speak to me?
Why didn't I speak to you either?
I have no answer to these questions
But still they lingered

Then last night I went out to Mom's house
She fixed us dinner and
We ate in the living room
And watched TV
I sat on the couch
Instead of your chair
But on top of the entertainment unit
Are pictures of you
So even though you're no longer here
Your presence is still in the room

After we ate I took Mom to the store
Once we got back to the house
I put away the groceries
While mom searched for needle and thread
To sew a button on a pair of shorts for me
After I had finished
I sat down in your rocker recliner to rest my back
And rocked for a few minutes
Thinking of you sitting in this chair
On the end table between
Your and Mom's chairs
Is the photo album that was
On display at your memorial service
Even though I've looked at it before
I picked it up anyway and
Flipped through the pictures
And marveled again at what a good job
My sister-in-law did at putting it together
I was about halfway through it
When I came across a photo
That stopped me in my tracks, cold
My immediate response was
"Well, I'll be damn"
It was a photo of you and me
One that was taken 19 years ago
At my older brother's house
We were sitting on a loveseat side by side
I was holding your first grandchild
And we were both looking at him
I smiled at the memory the image evoked
And at the clothes you were wearing
Light blue pants with a light blue polo

I quickly looked at the rest of the album
On the last page was the obituary from the paper
Which I didn't need to see again
So I flipped to the front of the book
And placed it back on the end table
Then I stood to go in search of my mother
As the thought crossed my mind
Apparently, Mom did let you out of the house
Wearing that outfit, at least once
Hmm, blue on blue

After seeing that photo of the two of us
I didn't feel so bad about the dream
As I write this I wonder
If you were communicating with me
Just not with words

8.23.07