Father's Day

I haven't thought too much about it
I mean it's been several years since
Mom said they were no longer
Going to celebrate Mother's Day
Or Father's Day for religious reasons

So, it's been quite a while since I've actually
Gone shopping for a gift or even a card
I never expected to have a reaction
To the holiday now that he's gone
Never expected it to hit me quite so hard

The commercials have been running
For a week or two now on TV
And on my Yahoo home page
So there's no way I could miss
What time of year it is

For the most part I've been able
To just ignore the ads
With a moderate amount of success
They haven't bothered me too much
Only a minor annoyance

But then Kodi and I went shopping
At Target the other day
When we were leaving the store
We walked down the card aisle, which was full
Of people looking at Father's Day cards

That's when the tears started, slowly at first
We weren't buying anything
So we walked on out of the store
The sidewalk was crowded, forcing us to
Walk single file as we went into Pier One

Kodi was in front, so she hadn't noticed my tears
And since we were out in public
I tried to wipe them away
Suck it up and push away the pain
Get my emotions under control

Then once we were inside
Kodi turned and asked if I wanted
To look at the candles first
She took one look at my face and drew me aside
And asked if I was okay

All I could do was shake my head no
Her next question was "What happened?"
I told her, "We walked by the Father's Day cards
And even if I wanted to buy one..."
"He's not here to give it to," she finished for me

I nodded my head yes
And the tears started up again
Sensing my discomfort at crying in public
Kodi pulled me to a quieter corner of the store
And wrapped her arms around me

As I cried into her shoulder
She whispered in my ear
"It's okay. You can cry.
Just let it out. I know it hurts.
It's okay. I love you."

After a few minutes I told Kodi I was okay
I dried my eyes and we walked around the store
A little later, Kodi said, "You know if you want
You can still buy your dad a card
Read it aloud and then burn it in the cauldron"

She continued by saying I could do that
Every year as a way to memorialize him
I replied, "I don't know, maybe, it's a nice idea"
I still haven't made up my mind just yet
If I want to do something like that or not

In all honesty though I never expected that
A holiday I haven't celebrated in a long time
Would have such a strong effect on me
I never expected it to hurt so much
Not to be able to say Happy Father's Day

6.11.07