And Never Will

The truth will set you free
I heard that statement
A thousand times as a child
But was never quite sure of its meaning
And now as I stand here
At this crossroads again
I wonder if that statement
Could apply to me

I'm here where I've stood
So many times before
And never had the courage
To take the next step forward
I've always pulled away
And turned back from it
So afraid...
So afraid of what?

Afraid of losing her and her love
But how can I lose what I've never had?
Because I've never really had it, have I?
Only the fantasy of what her love could be
But if I'm honest with myself, I know
She's never loved me for who I am
She never has
And never will

Unable to deny the truth any longer
Acceptance of that knowledge
Slowly seeps into every crack
Every crevice of my being
Flooding me with an anguish
The likes of which I've never known
Incapable of resisting
My walls and my resolve crumble

I surrender to the agony of it all
It's like a spear thrust deep into my chest
My knees buckle in reflex and down I go
My hands immediately grip the spear
With strength I never realized I possessed
I yank the object free, casting it aside
As if that action alone could stop
The searing pain from consuming me

But it does not
Instead the pain only intensifies
And is felt throughout my extremities
Screams fill my ears
At the unfathomable depths
Years of unshed tears finally
Stream down my face
As sobs rack my body

Huddled in a fetal position
I rock back and forth
Cradling myself against the pain
I wouldn't have thought accepting
The truth would cause so much pain
And make me feel so incredibly alone
I wrap my arms around myself
In a futile attempt at consolation

Can I truly find comfort in my own arms?
Can I make up for all the years of disappointment?
Answers to these questions, I have none
But I do know one thing for certain
No matter how much I need
To find acceptance in the arms of my mother
I never have
And never will

Has finally accepting the truth
About my mother really set me free
I think that it has
It's freed me from the illusions
And the false hope
I've held onto for so long
That maybe someday my mother
Would accept me with open arms

Although the initial realization
Was extremely painful
In the long run, I believe
I'm better off letting go of the fantasies
I can finally stop hurting myself
By pretending that the next time
Will be different than before
When it never has

And never will

2.24.06