Graduation Night

Damn you, Linda
How dare you
How fucking dare you
Go and die on me
Denying me the confrontation
I've waited for my entire adult life
Denying me the closure I've never had
And now will never find with you
Or at least not in the way
I've always imagined I would

News of your death hit me harder
Than I ever would have thought
In fact, I never would've dreamed
That you'd have died so young
When I asked Betsy about you
I anticipated a number of responses
But hearing that you died in the early 80's
In a motorcycle wreck
Sure wasn't one of them

As my anger towards you dissipates
I am left with an intense need to tell you
All the things that I've stored up over the years
Hoping that one day we'd finally meet
At some gay event
And I'd finally have a chance
To say all the things that have remained
Unsaid for so long
I'd finally have a chance
To confront you about

Graduation night

A night that has haunted me
A night that has had such a profound impact
On the rest of my life
I can still recall that night
With distinct clarity

June, 1977
I was eighteen
I'd enjoyed my senior year of high school
I had a boyfriend
And a few good friends that I hung out with
When we were together
We always had a good time
I had also figured out
My major for college
I thought I had my life
All figured out
A nice, neat little package
Totally and completely uncomplicated
That was until...

Graduation night

The night started out early
With Betsy picking me up at home
We had a brand new fifth of Canadian Mist
For the occasion
We picked up another girlfriend
And then the three of us started drinking
On the way to commencement
Which was taking place
At our high school auditorium

I knew you probably wouldn't be there
I can't remember the exact details now
But I do remember you didn't have enough credits
To graduate with your class
I think you were going to go to summer school
To make up the missing credits
But they still wouldn't let you walk with us
Even so, I still kept a lookout for you in the crowd
But I never saw you

Once the ceremony was over
With diplomas in hand
We found our respective parents
And asked if we could go out to celebrate
As soon as permission was granted
We were out of there
We were finally free
High school was finally over
And we never had to go back there again

Once Betsy and I were on the road
We changed clothes in her car
From dresses into blue jeans
All while flying down Highway 70
A little two-lane road
Towards Burlington, towards a bar
That was out in the middle of nowhere

But first we stopped at a local convenience store
For fresh sodas
The chaser for the whiskey
I stayed in the car while Betsy went inside
I was so overwhelmed
To finally have my diploma
That I just sat there staring at it in awe

For some reason I looked up
And saw this young guy sitting outside the store
Watching me
I recognized him as your younger brother
I waved him over to the car
And showed him my diploma
He didn't say too much, just smiled at me
But I felt a little bad for showing off to him
Especially since you didn't get to graduate with us

Then Betsy and I were back on the road again
It wasn't too long before we were at Tobin's
The parking lot wasn't too full
Betsy managed to find a good spot
There were a few other people there
From our graduating class as well

It was the strangest thing
Every time we met someone from our class
There was a round of congratulatory hugs
Which felt weird
Getting hugs from people who normally
Didn't even acknowledge your existence
I just chalked it up
To everyone being extremely happy
High school was finally over

Betsy and I kept going back and forth
Between the bar and the parking lot
We'd hang out inside for a while
So I could listen to the band
While Betsy talked shit with some guy
And then we'd go back outside
So we could drink
Since we weren't old enough to drink in the bar
But no one had said anything
About the parking lot

At some point you showed up
I'm sure I was happy to see you
I've never been comfortable in large crowds
Around people I don't really know
So your smiling face would have been
Such a welcome relief to me
I enjoyed your company
We only had a few classes together
But you could always make me laugh
And I really liked that about you

I hadn't been paying attention
To Betsy's conversation
So when she turned around and told me
The guy she'd just met
Wanted to take her for a ride
On his motorcycle
I panicked
The expression on my face
Must not have been clear enough
Because she still asked me if I was okay
With her leaving for a while
Which of course I wasn't
And I said so
She then asked if I'd be okay
If she asked you to hang out with me
And watch out for me
Because I was already pretty wasted
To which I wholeheartedly agreed
And so did you
I felt comfortable having you babysit me
You didn't drink
So I figured I could trust you
To take good care of me
I thought I was in good hands
And that I was very safe with you
So Betsy left with the guy
And I was left alone with you
But before Betsy left she gave me
The key to her car

I felt really good
Even with Betsy gone
I was drinking
And probably had a good buzz going
And I was happy about graduation
And that high school was officially over
But I was also angry with my boyfriend
Because he hadn't attended my graduation
Nor was he there with me at the bar
He had something far more important
To do that night
His parents were out of town for a few days
So he was throwing a party
For the graduating class from his high school
I believe it was the lack of his presence
That seriously contributed
To the devil-may-care attitude
I had that night
Because I didn't care, screw him
I was going to have a good time
Without him, damn it

So you and I hung out inside for awhile
Watching people play foosball
And listening to the music
Then we headed back outside
So I could drink

At some point I recall going outside
With a guy from our class
I'm not sure why I went with him
But we ended up in Betsy's car kissing
And I'm not sure how long we were there
Before things started getting out of control
And his hands started wandering
Where they really didn't need to go

I remember looking out the windshield
And seeing you leaning against the car
On the driver's side front quarter panel
You had your arms crossed over your chest
Your body was facing away but
You had your head turned to the side
Watching over your left shoulder
Everything that was going on inside the car
Before I knew what was happening
You decided that he'd been there long enough
And you opened the driver's door
And grabbed him by the shirt
And told him to get lost
Much to my surprise and relief
He did so without any protest
Then you got in the car and shut the door

But my relief was short-lived
I soon realized I'd jumped
From the frying pan into the fire
You decided that you wanted
Some of that same action
And you started kissing me
I didn't mind one kiss or even two
But you just kept on kissing me
Even when I asked you to please stop
You didn't
You kept on kissing me
Then I figured out
A way to get you to stop
If I was drinking
You'd stop
But only for a little bit

I'm really not sure just how long
The kissing actually went on
But it seemed like it was for a long time
And it was totally freaking me out
Hell, I had a boyfriend
Granted he wasn't there
But I was cheating on him
With not only one but two people
And one of them was a girl
Oh my God, I just couldn't believe it
I was kissing a girl
Whenever I wasn't drinking
We were kissing

By the time Betsy and her date
Finally came back to the bar
I was extremely drunk
I'd drank most of the fifth myself
The guy had traded his motorcycle for his car
And parked it right beside Betsy's
On the passenger's side, my side
I had the window rolled down
And was talking such trash to Betsy
Mean, nasty stuff
I was angry that she'd left me alone with you
I blamed her for what had happened between us
I blamed my boyfriend for it, too
Because if he'd have been there
None of it would have happened
Then I started throwing ice
Into the guy's car at Betsy
You got a little upset at me for it
But the guy never said a word about it

Then it was decided
We were all leaving the bar
To go to someone's house
Betsy was going to ride with her date
And I was to ride with you in Betsy's car
But I was having none of it
I refused to give you the key
I lied to you and told you
I didn't know where the key was
All the while knowing exactly where it was
In the back pocket of my jeans
Some part of me even silently
Dared you to find the key
Knowing I'd never let you try
As we argued about the key
Everyone else left

You finally gave up
And got us a ride with a guy you knew
In his pickup truck
You put me in the middle of the bench seat
Which might not have been
Such a good place to put me
Because I wouldn't leave the driver alone
I kept messing with anything I could reach
The flashers, the windshield wipers
And I kept putting my foot on the gas
Stupid stuff like that
The more you told me to stop
The more I just kept fooling around
Finally you'd had enough of it
And decided to try to control me
What with the differences in our size and strength
I think it was harder than you thought it would be
You were so much stronger than I was
I was a skinny little shit
But I was drunk as hell, too
You had me in a headlock
Which I didn't like
But I refused to calm down

We finally caught up with the other cars
And the driver of the truck
Pulled up to pace alongside
The car of Betsy's date
And I tried to talk to her
By leaning across you
I think you must have thought
I was going to try and jump out of the window
Because you were holding on to me even tighter
I just kept telling her we needed to stop
That I needed to pee

Finally we all pulled over
On the side of the road
But you still wouldn't let me go
You held onto my arms
And then before I knew what was happening
You had me slammed up against the bed
Of the pickup truck by both arms
I think my feet weren't even touching the ground
But I could be exaggerating about that part
I was really drunk
But I do recall being forced to talk to Betsy
With my head cocked to one side
I told her
She needed to get me the hell away from you
That she had no idea
What the hell was going on
I remember begging her
To please get me away from you
Because you were hurting me
Betsy asked you to let me go
And you did
But first I had to promise not to run away
I just wanted to be with Betsy

I'm not sure how I got back to the bar
Back to Betsy's car
But somehow I did
Because the next thing I remember
Was being with Betsy in her car
As she drove back to her date's house
I do recall mumbling to her
About you kissing me
Saying once or twice
As a congratulatory kind of thing
Would have been fine
But no, you wouldn't stop
You just kept on and on
I think I even asked her what it meant
If I was kissing you
I don't think Betsy really knew
What the hell I was going on about
I think she just thought I was really drunk

We ended up at this guy's house
And Betsy even let me drive her car
As drunk as I was
Down the street and back
We spent the night there at his house
Betsy inside, on his bed, in his arms
While I stayed outside in her car
Using a beach towel for a blanket
I wanted to pass out
But I was tormented
By thoughts of what I'd done
Of what it meant to spend the night
Kissing you, kissing a girl

Early the next morning
Betsy dropped me off at my house
Where I found two extremely angry parents
They bitched me out
For staying out all night long
And not calling and letting them know
That I wasn't coming home and that I was okay
Once all the yelling had finally stopped
I was allowed some measure of peace and quiet
And went to take a shower
I found you'd left me
Something to remember you by
I had bruises all over my body
From where you had grabbed me
While struggling with me in the truck

That was my graduation night
A night of liberation
A night full of excitement
Drunkenness and trauma
And it was also the very last time
I ever saw you, Linda

The next four years were rough ones
I attended college
And my boyfriend and I
Had our ups and downs
We broke up
And then got back together
I tried hard to forget about you
And about the confusion of

Graduation night

Which was fleeting at best
Because I met someone
Who reminded me so much of you
You shared similar features
The only difference was
She was a brunette
I enjoyed her company, too
I found that I felt safe enough with her
That I could actually open up
And talk to her

That was a huge step for me
That was the first time in my life
I ever felt that way
That I could share my heart
With someone else and know
That I wouldn't be betrayed
Sure I had friends in high school
But I never felt safe enough
To open up to any of them
Wolfmoon was just different
And we enjoyed hanging out together
I remember a comment she made once
That she really wanted to tell me something
But that she was afraid to
I thought to myself
'Great, you're probably queer'
But she held back and didn't tell me
What was on her mind
Granted I didn't ask her to either

Then came a day
In her last semester at Guilford Tech
When she felt she had to tell me her secret
Before she left
So, she wrote me a letter
In which she told me that
She was gay
But she wasn't clear
As to whether or not
She was attracted to me
After my last class we met up
She said that I was important to her
And that she just wanted me to know
And that she only wanted to be friends
But part of me didn't believe her
I felt that she wanted more from me
Than just my friendship
That was on a Friday
My mood that weekend totally sucked

I was tormented with fears that I too was gay
Saturday night I had a date
With a guy from school
We went to a Doobie Brothers concert
So that Monday morning
I wore the new t-shirt that I bought
Over it I was wearing
A hooded zip-up sweatshirt
Wolfmoon met me outside of my first class
I kept my distance from her
She stood on one side of the hallway
And I stood across from her on the other side
She asked to see the new t-shirt
Reluctantly I unzipped my sweatshirt
But only half way, then zipped it back up
Thinking she just wanted to look at my tits
That afternoon I was supposed to
Have my picture taken
For a group class shot
But I blew it off
And cut my next class too
In order to go see my ex-boyfriend
To prove to myself that I wasn't gay
I told him that I needed him
I knew he wouldn't turn me down
He never had in the past
We ended up in his bed having sex

My relationship with Wolfmoon
Was distant after that
Then she graduated and I was relieved
Not to have to see her every day
But after a few months went by
I realized that I missed her
I missed our friendship
I wrote her a couple of letters
That I never mailed
At the time I was dating the guy from my class
And I was still seeing my ex
On the sly
Until the day I got busted
By the new guy
And he broke up with me
My ex and I got back together
And before long we were engaged
We'd even set the date
A few weeks after my graduation
August 23, 1980

Then my life pretty much went to hell
In my last semester of college
I was working a part-time job
And planning a wedding
As if that wasn't enough
Then my younger brother
Was convicted of a crime
And sentenced to jail
To top all that off
I had a nervous breakdown
From all the stress
I was told I had to
Cut down my stress level
So I quit the job
And postponed the wedding
Which allowed me to finish
My last semester and graduate
A few weeks after graduation
I broke up with my fiancé for the last time
Then a few months later
Guess who I happened to see
One day while I was out
Shopping with my mother
Wolfmoon

I asked her to give me a call sometime
And she did
We stayed on the phone
For hours that first time
Before long we were spending
A lot of time together
And eventually she wanted to
Talk about the letter she wrote me
And why it scared me so badly
I told her about you
And about graduation night
You know I would never have believed
That eighteen could be considered
An impressionable age
But it was, it totally was
And from just that one encounter with you
I had assumed all lesbians were the same
That they'd take what they wanted
Without regard for the other person
I was so afraid I'd get manhandled again
And I didn't want that
If anything were to ever happen
Between me and her
Then I had to be in control
Of when and where and how it happened
And I wasn't even sure if I really wanted
Or if I was even ready
For something to happen between us either

She was okay with just being friends
She did want more but wasn't willing
To push the issue
She said that she would wait
And see if anything developed between us
Needless to say she wasn't
Real happy with you either
Because of you it was extremely difficult
For her to get through the walls
That I had put up
To keep from getting hurt again

And she did wait
She waited for me for seven years
For seven long years
I struggled with my sexuality
Which I'm not blaming you for
That wasn't your fault at all
You might have been a minor factor
But most of it was just me
Not really wanting to be gay
Because of how I was raised
My parents were very religious
It took me a very long time
To even begin to break free
From a lifetime of dogma
That had been drilled into me
It took me a long time
To simply decide to
Let the relationship go farther

But Wolfmoon's patience and persistence
Eventually wore down my walls
And I finally let her in
But I was in control
Of when things happened between us
From the first kiss to
The first time we actually had sex
Which was nine months later
In January of 1985

By the fall of 1987
Wolfmoon and I had moved in together
We had a joining ceremony
On the 12th of June, 1992
I had an affair in 1995
Wolfmoon had her affair in 1997
By the summer of 1998, Wolfmoon and I had
Separated and she moved out

Then in March of 2000
I met Kodi
By that summer
She had moved in with me
Then in January of 2003
Kodi asked me to marry her
So Wolfmoon and I formally divorced
In June of that year
And Kodi and I married
On August 21, 2004

So that brings me to the present
Here I am at forty-six
Twenty-eight years later
After so many years
I'm the most comfortable
I have ever been
With the fact that I am gay
That I am a lesbian
My life is the happiest
It's ever been

But after all these years
Graduation night still bothers me
I'm sure I believed it had lessened
But after feeling the intensity of my reaction
To the news of your death
I know nothing has really lessened
Time hasn't eased anything
All those emotions from that night
Are all still there
I guess I should have known
That reconnecting with Betsy
Would have initiated this
That it would have dredged up
All this unfinished business with you
But in all honesty I never saw it coming
Until it was upon me
And here I am left feeling
All these old emotions
With no way to resolve any of them

Then one night Kodi's sister called to chat
She asked one simple question
How I was doing
My answer was, "I've been better"
Then she asked me to tell her about it
So I did, I told her all about you
And all the unresolved issues I had with you
And the fact that now
I'd never be able to find closure with you
I told her that I thought about
Writing something for you
And visiting your grave
It might help me find closure
To which she agreed

Then she asked
"What would you do if she were here right now?
And you could say or do anything you wanted
What would that be?"

I closed my eyes and imagined
That you were standing in front of me
I could see your short blonde hair
Head cocked slightly to one side
With a smile on your face
Which told me that you're happy to see me
You're wearing blue jeans
And a plaid flannel shirt
With the cuffs rolled up
Both hands stuck into your jeans pockets
My breath caught in my throat
My nose burned and tears started to form
The words "Oh my god" fell so faintly from my lips
As I just stood there and looked at you, in shock
Not that you were back from the dead
But that you were finally here after so many years
Of scanning the crowds looking for your face
Of hoping I'd run into you somewhere
And it never actually happened
Then I stepped closer to you
And pulled you into my arms
Holding you tightly

Then after the initial shock wore off
I thought I'd like to talk to you
I have so many questions to ask
But first I'd have to tell you
That you were right about me
So many years ago you knew
You were the first person
Who knew I was gay
How did you know that about me?
When did you figure it out?
I thought I'd hid it so well
But you knew all along, didn't you?
You were attracted to me, weren't you?
I already know the answer to that one
Because I felt something too

I remember one time in math class
When everyone had to push their desks together
And work on some project
I don't think we got much work done
Because you were cutting up
Which kept me cracking up
I believe we even got in trouble
For making too much noise
But neither one of us really cared
And if I'm not mistaken you might have even
Touched me then too, nothing major
Just a light touch on my arm or my hand
And I believe that's the moment
That I knew the truth about you
And that's probably when you
Realized the truth about me as well

I remember hearing rumors
Going around school about you being gay
And I remember pulling away
And keeping my distance
From you because of it
Not because of you
But because of me
Because I was scared that
If I hung out with you too much
Then everyone would assume the same about me
Even though it was true
But at that time
I just couldn't have handled it
Hell, I couldn't even admit it to myself
Back then when I was eighteen

For the longest time
I wanted to apologize
For acting that way towards you
I am truly sorry
If my actions ever hurt you, Linda
I'm sorry that I never gave you a chance
I never gave us a chance to be better friends
Than what we were
And I know now
That was definitely my loss
Because I could have talked to you
About being gay but I was just too afraid
Too afraid to be who I was
And I've always wanted to tell you
That I was so glad
You had the courage to be who you were
Looking back now
I wish I could've been more like you
Proud of who you were
But given my childhood
My parents, my home life
I was doing the best I could just to survive

My denial was so deep
I didn't even admit the truth
To myself that I was a lesbian
Until ten years after graduation night
By then I'd been lovers
With Wolfmoon for two years
But in all honesty, Linda
I've always known
Always, from when I was a kid
I knew I was different
I knew I was gay
I knew it even before
I knew what sex was
I knew I was gay
I don't know how I did
I just knew

But if I really had the chance
What I would really want to talk to you about is

Graduation night

I want to know why you came on to me
Why you wouldn't stop kissing me
Even when I asked you to
Didn't you realize that you were freaking me out?
Didn't you know that's why I kept drinking
To stop you from kissing me
Why didn't you check to see if I was okay?
That is the main thing that has bothered me
My entire life about graduation night
How could you not know that I was freaking out?

When I told that to my sister-in-law
She said that I was looking at the situation
From the perspective of who I am now
A 46-year-old adult
Which isn't the same
As it is when you're 18
A teenager with raging hormones
Where maturity isn't quite there yet
Or regard for your partner
At 18 you're flying
By the seat of your pants
All action and reaction
I had to agree with her on that point

And then she told me
A lot of women freak out the first time
They kiss another woman
And most of the time it's not
Because they are kissing a woman
It's because it feels right
It feels natural, exciting
Like the way it's supposed to feel
Whenever they've kissed a man
But never has

And then she said the kicker
That if that was true in my case
Then it stood to reason that
I had responded to your kisses
I had probably kissed you back
That's why you didn't realize
That anything was wrong
Because I was kissing you back
I was sending you mixed signals
My words and my actions
Were saying two different things
And that you'd probably
Been attracted to me for awhile
And then you were presented
With an opportunity
That you just couldn't pass up
So you took the chance and kissed me
When I kissed you back
For you that was a good sign
So you just kept doing it
Never taking my protest seriously
Because I was kissing you back

Her words resonated
Through me to my very core
Oh my god, she was right
I felt something shift
As if my world tilted
Then righted itself again
I finally understood what happened
On graduation night
For so many years I'd blamed you
And everyone else for what happened
Never once had I ever considered
That I too shouldered some of that blame
That I too was just as responsible
For what happened that night as you were

After that conversation with my sister-in-law
I felt totally different towards you
I felt like a weight I didn't realize
I'd been carrying for years was suddenly gone
I finally had a better understanding
Of what happened that night
I finally had the answers
To questions that had plagued me
For some 28 years
And I knew in that same
Moment of understanding
That I'd let go of all those old emotions
And all the things I'd blamed you for
That I'd forgiven you
Forgiven the actions
Of a hormone-laden teenager

It's taken me most of my life
To come to terms with being gay
And to be okay with who I am
I feel as though I've finally dealt
With the events of graduation night
I'm sorry that you died
And I'm sorry that we never
Got a chance to clear this up in person
But I can honestly say right now
You changed my life that night
For that I thank you from the bottom of my heart
I'm glad that you were a part of my life
No matter how short a time that really was
But you definitely made an impact
For without you, I wouldn't be where I am today
Nor would I be who I am
If not for you and

Graduation night

Good-bye, Linda
Part of me will always love you
And you will forever hold
A special place in my past
For you will always be
The first girl I ever kissed

2.17.06