Anger and Betrayal

Awakened in the dark of night
From the intensity of a dream
I'd been very upset and yelling
The emotions were so strong
I could hardly go back to sleep
Here now in the light of day
I can scarcely recall the dream
But the emotions it provoked
The angry and betrayal remain
Along with the knowledge
Of who those emotions
Were directed at
My younger brother
I feel a rage towards him
That I don’t even think
I felt at the time when
The betrayal actually occurred

Looking back now
Growing up wasn’t easy for me
I was the middle child
Between two brothers
The older one was a bully
While the younger was the baby
Our ages are all two years apart
As kids, fights were never even
It was always two against one
I loved my little brother
From the moment he was born
My mother used to tell me
When I was little, I thought
He was my real life baby doll
I felt a huge responsibility
To protect him from the cruelty
Of our older brother
So, I tried to be there for him
As much as I could

I always got along better
With my younger brother
Better than I ever did with the older one
In fact most of the time
I disliked my older brother
He was mean and cruel
And a tattletale
Always trying to get one of us trouble
With the folks for one reason or another
Whenever we played games
He was always changing
The rules to his advantage
As an adult I realize those traits
Speak to depth of his insecurities
But as a child I didn’t understand that
As children my younger brother and I
Bore the brunt of his insecurities
And his violent nature
And I hated him for it
I’m sure some part of me still does

Late in the summer of 1992
After my wedding to Wolfmoon
I came out to my younger brother
And his wife on night
Afterwards, I felt
The conversation went well
And that he still loved me
And accepted me for who I am
He even volunteered to
Talk to our parents
And see how they felt
About me being gay
He also promised
To tell me how it went
If I had it to do all over again
I would never have agreed to it
But in all honestly that probably
Won’t have changed anything
At the time though, I believed
He was doing me a favor

A few months go by
And then a few more
Still no word from him
So I figure he changed his mind
Which was okay with me
Then came a few phone calls
From my mother telling me
Of functions she and my dad
Had gone to with my brothers
And their wives and kids
Functions I’d never been invited to
Then one night I’m over
Visiting with my parents
As I was about to leave
My mom walked me out to my car
And said that older brother had
Asked her to talk to me
His oldest son was graduating
From kindergarten
I was invited to attend the ceremony
But Wolfmoon was not welcome
Needless to say hearing this news
On top of already being excluded
From several family functions
Made me extremely angry

A few days later I was still feeling hurt
So decided to write a letter
To my older brother
Instead of calling him on the phone
Because I feared I’d never be able to say
Everything that I wanted to say to him
Once he got the letter
Which didn’t go over very well
He called me to let me know
Just how angry he was
The conversation consisted of him
Telling me I was going to hell
For the way I was living my life
And that I wasn’t raised that way
I responded that I didn’t believe in hell
And he wasn’t raised to believe in it either
He cursed a lot and ended up saying
That as far as he was concerned
He no longer had a sister
And then for good measure he added
That he wasn’t the only one who felt this way
Of course I had to ask who that was
Then he finally said it was our younger brother
Who had told him all about me
At this point my heart just broke
And I couldn’t take any more
So I hung up the phone
With him still yelling at me
I was so upset I was shaking
A little while later I picked up the receiver
To my surprise he was still on the line
And just started yelling and cursing again
So I hung up on him again

Not wanting to be anywhere I wasn’t wanted
I basically stopped all communication
With either of my brothers
I would only see my parents
And I wouldn’t go to their house
If either of my brothers were there
That went on for several months

Then a few years later
The truth of my older brother’s words
Regarding my younger brother
Completely sank in
I had an appointment
With my chiropractor
My younger brother was there too
But I never actually saw him
When I walked into their office
His wife was alone in the waiting room
We spoke to each other
Then I was taken back to a room
Where I waited nervously
For the doctor to come in
I was so afraid that I might
Have to deal with seeing
My younger brother face to face
But fortunately the doctor
Was very understanding
We talked for a while
He wanted to know
Why I was so upset
So I told him what was
Going between my brother and I
To which he replied
He thought it had something to do
With me being gay
Because of something my brother said
That he didn’t want
That shit around his kids
My chiropractor also told me
That it was my brother’s lose
I stayed in his office
Long enough for my brother
And his family to leave
So I wouldn’t have to deal with him

But I was forced to face
The facts and the pain
Of finally knowing
My younger brother’s
True feelings for me
And that older brother
Was right about him
No matter how badly I
Didn’t want to believe it
I could deny the truth no longer
My younger brother didn’t want
Anything to do with me
No matter what he’d said to my face
His actions said something else entirely
In the end he sided with my older brother
And his narrow mindedness
It felt just like it did
When we were kids
Two against one

The dream reminded me
That even though it’s been years
Since all those things happened
That to this day I still have all
This pent-up rage towards my brothers
Which tells me that I probably
Didn’t deal with those emotions then
It also tells me just how deeply
My younger brother's betrayal actually hurt me
He destroyed all the trust
And respect I ever felt for him
I always knew I loved my younger brother more
Than I ever did my older brother
I guess I assumed that he loved me
And would never do anything
Intentionally to hurt me
Because that’s how I felt about him
I thought I was as special to him
As he was to me
But I was mistaken

So, I’m still left feeling
The anger from his betrayal

6.16.05