In Silence

We're on the couch
I'm sitting at one end
While you're lying stretched out
With your head on a pillow in my lap

The TV is on, but I'm not really watching
Idly, I comb my fingers through your hair
And wonder who is comforted more
By my actions, you or me

I'm struck by the intimacy of the moment
That this is the extent
Of our physical relationship
Since your surgery months ago

This small action is the one thing
I really feel safe doing
It's the only luxury I will allow myself
These days with you

Over the past months I've silently
Watched your body change
From that of strength
To one of thin fragility

As your weight has decreased
My fears have increased
I'm afraid to even touch you
For fear of hurting you

The ways we used to find comfort
Are no longer possible or consoling
Like holding you when we talk in bed
Or sleeping spoon style

For my arms are too heavy
To even drape them across your body
Gone is the familiar softness
I used to love to touch

Your contours are so alien and foreign now
The framework of your body
That was once hidden has been exposed
And is sharp and hard to my touch

The leanness of your body also scares me
I'm so afraid something is terminally wrong
I'm terrified that I'm going to lose you
Not wanting to alarm you, I keep it all to myself

And suffer in silence

02.05.05