The Aftermath

Warning: This poem contains a graphic description of a medically assisted euthanasia of a cat and her subsequent funeral and burial.

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Checking for a heartbeat, the vet said
"She's gone now...
I'll leave you guys alone...
Stay as long as you like"
Then she slipped out the back door
Leaving us alone with her
I cried and so did Kodi
I couldn't stop petting her
Feeling the softness of her fur
For really the first and last time
Then I kissed her head
Whispered in her ear
"I love you, Megan
Go find Simon, he'd love to play with you"
Finally we dried our eyes
And walked out of the examining room
Leaving her body behind
Then I paid the bill
Refusing the offer to be billed later
I didn't want to get a reminder
In the mail of what I'd just done
When we got back to the house
I cleaned out and washed
Megan's litter pan
Then brought it back in the house
So that the other cats could still use it
And picked up her food and water bowls

The next day at work
Was an extremely hard one
People asked questions
That I could barely answer
Before breaking into tears
I couldn't focus on work
For any amount of time
I tried to release some of the pain
I wrote a poem for her
That evening before I left work
A friend of mine stopped me
She knew about the problems
We were having with the cats
She asked if I was planning
On burying Megan
I told her that I really didn't know
The vet said they could take care of it
My friend then informed me that
Megan would probably
Just end up at the landfill
She offered her backyard
As a final resting place for Megan
To which I agreed
She then got on the phone
And called the vet's office
She used the same one
And asked if they still had Megan's body
They did, and said they'd hold it for me

The next few days were still horrible
I never expected to feel so bad
To feel so much guilt and remorse and shame
I never even considered what
The consequences might be
For my actions
Beforehand, I'd been solely focused on
Looking at all the options
To do what was best for everyone involved
To do the right thing
Putting Megan to sleep
May have been the right thing
But it felt like anything but right
Every time I was alone
At work, at home, or in the car
I'd be in tears and feeling regret
Beating myself up for it
Wishing I could take it back
But it's much too late
To take it back now
She is dead
And I killed her

Friday I went home for lunch
And cried the whole way there
When I got home
Kodi held me as I cried even more
We sat on the couch
And she reminded me of why
None of the other options
Really would have worked
That they'd have caused
Megan more stress and anxiety
And that euthanasia
Was the most humane
Yes, it totally sucked
And it hurt that we had to do that
But with all of Megan's issues
We didn't have any other options

Saturday morning came
I dressed in comfortable jeans
And a sweatshirt
Thinking that I'd have
To dig the grave myself
Kodi took a shower
After she got out
She dressed all in black
For a funeral
She told me of a dream
She'd woken from that morning
And felt that it was from Megan
Telling her that she was pleased
With us for deciding to bury her
Where she'd become a part
Of the cycle of life

While Kodi ate breakfast
I went looking for something
To put Megan's body in
I picked out a cotton pillowcase
It was a case from a pattern
That I used to have when
I lived with my parents
And had a single bed
All I had left of the set
Was that one pillowcase
It was still brand new
And had never been used before
The print was of a field of flowers
I thought it was perfect
Then I went to the living room
I found her two favorite toys
A tiger tail and catnip mouse
And dropped them in the pillowcase

We picked up Megan's body
From the vet's before they closed at noon
It was in a thick black plastic bag
Then we went back to the house
So that I could print out a copy
Of the poem I wrote for Megan
Then Kodi and I went over
To my friend's house
By the time we got there
Her husband had already
Dug the hole for me
It was a nice spot on the hill
At the edge of the tree line
On the other side of the creek

I carried Megan's body
Over to the spot
The hole had filled up
With a foot of water
From all the rain we'd had
The night before
My friend got something
To scoop out the water
I didn't want to leave
Megan in the plastic bag
Since it takes forever to biodegrade
And I wanted her to
Become part of the earth
And she never would inside the bag
So to get her out of it
Without actually seeing too much
I slipped the bag down into
The pillowcase
Then with a pair of scissors
I cut the top of the bag
And tried to pull it out
The bag was huge
And was doubled back on itself
I kept pulling until I finally got it free
And I saw a little bit of her fur
Which let me know
For sure that it was Megan
With that done it was time to start

I lowered her down into the grave
And flattened the fabric
Of the pillowcase out on top of her
Then I pulled the poem
Out of my back pocket
My friend offered to read it for me
I thought about it
Then decided I would read it myself
I felt that I wrote it for Megan
The words should come from me
So I started to read it
I didn't even make it
Through the first stanza
Before the tears came
Kodi handed me a tissue
I dried my eyes
And began again
This time I made it all the way
To the end

Afterwards, I folded the poem
And gave it to Megan
By laying it on top of her
Then I took the shovel
And started covering her with dirt
Then Kodi tossed in a few shovels full
And lastly my friend took a turn
As I pulled at the last of the dirt
My friend went to get a rake
Which she used to finish
Covering the grave with leaves

When Kodi and I got back home
I felt better than I had all week
I still wasn't happy about what I had to do
But at least now all Megan's worries were over
And I was glad that we did bury her
It felt more respectful somehow
Then I sat down at my computer
And started writing this poem

1.15.05