This Time

You asked what was different this time

As the seconds ticked by
I felt extremely pressured
To answer your question
But I hated having to compare
One to the other
I knew I'd already shut down
I no longer felt comfortable sharing
The preciousness of my heart
With someone who obviously
Despises what I so deeply love

Instead I simply replied... I am

Even though the statement was true
At the time I couldn't elaborate
Now, a few days later
I've had some time to think about it
I still dislike having to compare them
But I would like you to understand
And this may be as good a way as any

So what is different this time... everything is

This time...

Emotionally, I am healthier than I've ever been
I'm more comfortable in this skin of mine
And in turn more comfortable with who I am
My view of love is very realistic now
Gone are the illusions of the fairy tale happily ever after

This time...

There is far less co-dependency
I've worked hard on that issue
I am my own person now
She is her own person too
She is free to be who she is
Not who I think she should be
I've let go, not holding on
To the belief that I have control of
Anything and everything

This time...

She is strong enough to stand up to me
And doesn't just go along with me on everything
Simply to keep the peace
We discuss everything
She doesn't let me hide
But more importantly, I don't want to
There are no secrets
There are no lies between us
She doesn't settle for just a surface answer
We go deep and keep talking until we get
Down to the heart of the matter
She is strong enough to stand up for me
I have someone who wants me
Instead of someone who needs me
I am the happiest I've ever been
She is where I want to be
She manages our money
Instead of it managing us
We're not in debt up to our eyeballs
What debt we do have
Was to pay for the wedding
And it will be paid off
In the next few months

This time...

She proposed to me
I had an engagement ring
There was a caterer, and a videographer
Instead of a photographer
Invitations were mailed out
I even sent one to work
And they gave me a card
With their best wishes and some cash

This time...

We spent the night before apart
I arrived without her
It rained
I wore pants instead of a dress
And dangling earrings
But no makeup
My neckline was very open
Exposed and vulnerable
Instead of completely covered
The rest of the wedding party wore dresses
I carried no bouquet of flowers
But there was a flower girl
And rose petals under our feet

This time...

Our wedding rings were custom made
And they were not engraved
She wrote most of the ceremony
I read my own poems
We each wrote our own vows
I wasn't hoping the ceremony
Would fix a troubled relationship
We had couples counseling beforehand
The ceremony wasn't held in a church
But it was still in a sacred place
I wasn't scared to death
I smiled and I even cried
We held hands the entire time

This time...

There were no promises of forever
Only for as long as our love shall last
For as long as it's healthy for both of us
The kiss wasn't hurried

But most of all
You weren't there for me this time

11.30.04