Abandoned

I honestly couldn't believe you said that
What would make you say such a thing
How could you even think
I wouldn't want a better relationship
With my parents, with my whole family
Do you think because I've never
Forced the issue that I like the way it is
I've never given them an ultimatum
Because I knew I'd never win
Their religion comes first
Before anything else, it always has
Do you think I have enjoyed all these years of
Trying to hide who I am from them
Distancing myself from them
Living in fear that if they found out who
I really was they wouldn't love me anymore
Do you think I've enjoyed
Spending most of my adult life
In search of a mother figure
In search of acceptance
And unconditional love

Are you jealous that I still have a mother
When you don't, I am sorry for that
But I don't feel that I ever really had a mother
Sure, the woman gave birth to me
But I never felt that she loved me for who I am
It was never safe for me to be who I was
It wasn't safe for me to be gay
But at a very early age I knew I was different
I knew I was one of them
I was a homosexual
And I also knew that I
Was an abomination to God
I grew up thinking that I was someone
God disgustedly hated
So, if God felt that way about me
It stood to reason that if my family
Ever found out, then they would feel
The exact same way as well
Telling them was never an option
I did the only thing I knew how to do
I denied that part of myself
I tried to kill off those feelings
And buried them deep inside myself
So that no one would ever know
I spent half my life trying
To prove to myself and to the world
That I was normal
I wasn't a homosexual
But in the end, there was only one person
That I really fooled
Only one that believed the lie
And that person was me
I was in my first lesbian relationship
For two years before I could even admit
That I was a lesbian, that I was gay
I told myself that my lover was a lesbian
But I was simply in love with a person
Who happened to be a woman

Do you think...
I enjoyed growing up the way I did
Always feeling alone with a huge secret
Never letting people get too close
Never letting anyone really know me
Out of fear that I'd be hated
If anyone ever knew the truth about me

Do you think...
Now that my family knows that I'm gay
That it's been any easier for me
Being cursed out by my older brother
Being told I wasn't raised that way
Being told that he no longer had a sister
Not speaking to either of my brothers
For years, until just last year
When our mother had open-heart surgery
Two years before that, Kodi and I were supposed
To go out to my parents for Thanksgiving
When she called earlier in the day
And asked me if I would ask
Kodi to not be so affectionate
With me in her house

Do you think...
I enjoyed that conversation with my mother
And then the one that followed with Kodi
And the look of pain on her face
Then going to my parents' home alone
Without Kodi, because she didn't feel welcome
When I walked into the house alone
My mother had the table set for four
And she didn't understand why Kodi didn't come
She then started crying
And said that was not what she wanted
Through her tears she said
That it was great if Kodi and I were in love
But she felt that she had the right to ask us
To refrain from displays of affection in her house
Because after all it was her house
What we do in our home is our business

Do you believe...
That I really don't crave my mother's love
And approval and her acceptance of me
And of who I am
That her one and only daughter is a lesbian
That I really don't want my family's love
That I don't want it to be okay with them
That I am gay
That I wouldn't love to hear my mother
Tell the entire world
That she is my mother
And that she loves me
For exactly who and what I am
A lesbian
And that she is proud of me
Proud of the person I've become
And proud to be my mother
If you believe all these things about me
Then all I can say is you are sorely mistaken
You don't have a clue as to who I am
And you certainly don't know me
As well as you may think you do

What you said really hurt me, deeply
I never imagined that you would
Wield your sword at me
And hurt me like you did
I tried to understand your comment
And why you said it
Are you trying to push me away
Are you trying to punish me for loving you

Saturday afternoon, Kodi and I watched
A movie about a sixteen-year-old girl
Coming to terms with being gay
And in turn coming out to her family
I could relate to the emotions
Between the mother and daughter
Even though I'd seen the movie before
This time it really got to me
It brought up a lot of the issues
I have with my own mother
By the end of the movie
The girl's family was trying to be accepting
Of what they didn't understand
And her relationship with her mother was improving

Kodi held me while I just sobbed
I don't have that kind of family
And I never will
But what really broke my heart
Was the thought that you
Think I like my relationship
With my mother, and with my family
Just the way it is
That I don't want it to be different

After the movie, I thought a shower
Might help me feel a little better
But as the water washed over me
I cried even more tears
Feeling the pain and loss
To the depths of my soul
Then a memory from childhood appeared
I saw the images so clearly
I would have been about three at the time
And was sitting down in the middle
Of the dirt road that we lived on
My mother carried my younger brother
In her arms along with bags of groceries
She was trying to get me to stand up
And walk with her, we were almost home
But being the stubborn child that I was
And still am, I refused to move
She asked me to please come on
But I was tired and wanted her to carry me
But she already had her arms full and refused
So, I started pouting and crying
When she finally said
All right, you can just stay there
I'm going home without you
And with that she walked away from me
She just kept walking until finally
I got up with a tear-stained face and ran after her
Begging her to wait for me

Abandoned

I felt abandoned by my mother then
And even though my mother is alive
I still feel abandoned by her
Because I have never felt
That she loved me unconditionally
She has never loved me for who I am

And now, today, I feel abandoned
By you

10.31.04