Provoked

I woke from the forcefulness of the dream
Still feeling the rage of my anger
Provoked by my older brother

In the dream, I was trapped
In a forest at night
Somehow, somewhere
Watching my brother's life
Play out before me
He has a wife and two kids
And he was having an affair
With a very attractive younger woman
From what little I know of my brother
This wasn't like him at all
I assumed they must have
Deep feelings for one another
In order for him to risk
All that he had at home
I assumed this because
Of my own past
And what I was willing to risk
For the intensity of the emotions
I felt with another woman
Then my brother was trapped with me
Wherever I was
Then it became morning
And somehow we were free
We were walking alone
A path at the edge of the woods
There were other people around us
And the desire to talk to my brother
Was very strong
I wanted to check and see if he knew
What he was getting into
By having this affair
So I asked him
If he would walk with me
Down a path, into the woods
I told him that I wanted
To talk to him and he agreed
We'd only walked into the woods
A little ways when I started speaking
I told him I knew about the affair
And that he must really be in love
With this woman to risk so much
For the first time ever
I told my brother I was there for him
If he needed to talk about it
I figured we were both adults now
And regardless of our past history
I wanted him to know that I cared
About him and his life
I was offering him compassion
But instead of accepting it
He chose to reject my offer
And angrily accused me of
Only trying to get information on him
To go back and tell my new family about him
On some level I knew that
It was just his defenses talking
Even though I knew that
I still couldn't stop myself from
Feeling very hurt by his reply
And by his rejection of me once again
I was filled with anger and hurled
My response back at him
Telling him he was as big
An asshole as he ever was
Why I thought things between us
Might be different was beyond me
And that he'd never change
I turned and walked away
I could no longer stand to be in his presence
Then stopped and turned back around to say
I thought we were adults
But obviously, we are still children
When it comes to each other
And I'd never understand how
Anyone could ever love him

It was then that I woke up
Immediately wishing I had not
For too late I realized that
It was both of our defenses talking
And how easily I slipped into
That old pattern of behavior
Where he hurts me, so I hurt him
I wished my family
Didn't have direct access
Inside my defenses
To push all the right buttons
That just set me off
I also felt a deep regret at
How easily I was provoked

8.1.04