Rights and privileges

Excuse me?
You're what?
Worried about me?
Why?

Why are you so worried about it?
I'm certainly not
It doesn't even affect you
So, why should you even care?
I'm not your responsibility anymore
You no longer have that right
Or that privilege
You relinquished all that last year
When you signed the divorce papers
You have someone else now
It's her you should be this concerned about
Not me
Does she know you feel this way?
And don't give me that
"I'll always care about you" crap
I know you will
A part of me still cares about you
In the sense that
I want to see you happy
But I'm not overly worried or upset
About whether you are or not
That's your responsibility, not mine
Just like worrying about my job
Is my responsibility, not yours

I know I can't tell you what to do
In the end, it doesn't matter what I want
You'll do what you want regardless
I just wish you'd let me go
And stop holding on to the past
Just let it go, let it all go
The past is just the past
It's over and done
It doesn't matter anymore
I am not flattered to know
That you still carry all these
Feelings for me
I am annoyed with you
And yes, even a little angry
I really don't want or need
Your concern
I have someone else now too
Someone who loves me
Someone who cares for me
And yes, even worries about me
That is her right
That is her privilege

5.19.04

CMT

Author's Notes

I'd had a phone conversation with my ex, Wolfmoon, yesterday. And it really bothered me. She'd heard through the grapevine that the management where I work has changed its employee evaluation forms. And she'd heard that they were going to be grading us on our morals. She was afraid that they'd try to fire me because I'm gay.

I went to the meeting in which the new forms were discussed, and I didn't leave worried about my job in the slightest. But Wolfmoon was. I tried to tell her that I wasn't concerned and that she shouldn't be either. But she just wouldn't let it go. I just kept telling her that it was okay.

Once I got off the phone with her, I sat and wondered at just how co-dependant our relationship still is. Her for being so over the top worried about my job, and me for feeling like it was my responsibility to make her feel better by trying to calm her down. Afterwards, I can recognize the behavior. I just wish I could see it when I was in the middle of it. Hopefully, someday I will. That way I might begin to try to put a stop to it.

And even though in the poem my anger is directed at Wolfmoon, I think mainly I was angry at myself for falling back into that old pattern of behavior with her and not standing up to her by telling her everything I wrote in the poem.