How Far I've Come
Every time I drive this stretch of highway
I think of you
As I pass the motel
Where you got us a room for an afternoon
So we could be alone and talk
I met you there
And gave you the framed copy
Of the poem I wrote for you
I wanted to throw you on that bed
Rip off all your clothes and fuck you senseless
But you only wanted us to talk
So that's what we ended up doing
To prove to you that it wasn't just sex
After all this time
Would it please you to know that
Occasionally, I do still think of you
That you've claimed a place in my past
And how would you feel
What would you say
If I told you that
You don't take up as much space
In my head as you once did
That's because I have a new love in my life
She rules my thoughts now
As I drive on down the highway
My thoughts shift from you to her
I am filled with thoughts
Of our present and our future
Rather than by what could never be
She is beside me at this very moment
We are on our way to her dentist
This highway makes me think of her, too
It's not only the way I go to her dentist's office
But it's also the same highway
I drove for two and a half hours
To pick her up early from the bus station
Because I couldn't wait the five hours
For the bus to arrive here in town
When she came down to visit
I smile, thinking about everything
That happened that day
The dozen red roses, those first smiles
Then the hug and the kiss
God, what a kiss it was
Full of hope and passion
And speaking of kisses
My mind jumps into fast forward
To when I, eight months from now
Will be kissing her again and saying "I do"
Sitting here now in the waiting room
I look back at those days with you
When you were what I so desperately wanted
And I realize just how far I've come
I am so glad things worked out the way they did
No matter how challenging my life may be at times
I would much rather be where I am now
Than ever go back to where I was
With you
12.19.03
Author's Notes
This poem was written to Lust Woman. It was a mental dialogue I had running through my head while driving Kodi to her appointment. Then, once we arrived, I started writing it all down in hopes that it might help me deal with any leftover emotions from those two years I spent obsessing over her. Because every time I drive by that hotel, I feel a bit anxious, so I figured something is still there.
I know I've never given many details, if any at all, about Lust Woman. I must finally be feeling comfortable enough with myself to talk about her now. I think most of the shame and guilt over having had the affair with her has lessened greatly, mainly due to how openly Kodi and I have talked about how and why it happened.
For starters, let me say that Lust Woman was very skilled at the art of seduction. She knew exactly what to say and how to say it to get me going. She was a nurse and a massage therapist, so she knew exactly how to touch my body for any desired result. She was also very sexual; sensuality just oozed off the woman. She knew how to set a trap, and I all too willingly fell into it.
When the affair started, I was married to Wolfmoon. Because of that fact, Lust Woman started this go-away-come-here dynamic between us. She was constantly pushing me away one day, then pulling me to her the next. In the beginning, I really didn't mind it; I saw it as a challenge to get past her defenses and make her want me. I showered her with poetry as often as I could. I wrote a lot of poems for her, only a few of which are on the site.
But in the end, I got tired of having my emotions played with. I was also tired of giving and getting little to nothing in return from her. By the time I was single, she had been married for eight months. Her marriage wasn't going very well, so, she started calling my house and leaving messages asking to see me. But it was too late. I was so over it by then, over the obsession, over wanting anything to do with her. I never returned any of her phone calls or letters. And she has sent a couple of cards to me since Kodi and I have been living together. I've had no desire to see her at all. Honestly, why would I? The relationship I have now with Kodi is so much better than anything I ever imagined having with her.
