Four Words
You asked, "Do you want your hug now?"
In an instant, my body reacted
To your simple question
I relaxed, released the tension I held
And let my day planner fall to the couch
"Yes, please," was my immediate response
You smiled and held out your arms
I leaned down into your embrace
Closing my eyes, as I felt
Four words rise to the surface
But due to the nature of our relationship
Uncertainty at their appropriateness
Forced me to hold them back
Which goes against my belief of
If you feel it, you should say it
Normally, I try to live up to that
But this time, I just kept
The words safe inside myself
After I left your office and drove back to work
I thought about what I almost said to you
I wasn't at all surprised by the admission
It only stands to reason
That I'd have feelings for you
I've been seeing you for seven years now
You've been there through some of the roughest
And some of the happiest times of my life
How could I not feel something for you?
You've given me what I so rarely get
Complete and total acceptance
Of who and what I am
You may be my therapist
And yes, I pay you for your time
But I've always felt
That you genuinely care
About me and my life
I am not just a job to you
But I am your job, your client
And for that reason I could not say
What I definitely felt in the moment
Which was "I love you, Sheryl"
9.23.03
Author's Notes
I had spent the bulk of my therapy session talking about my mother and her health issues, and how I was dealing with everything, so of course, it was emotionally intense. At the end of the session, my therapist hugged me as she has done several times in the past, but I hadn't felt this reaction before.
I wrote the poem later on that night. Afterwards, I let Kodi read it, and we talked for a while. And we both came to the same conclusion, which was although I might have strong feelings for my therapist, that's probably not all that was going on with me at the time.
During the session, I'd spent the entire hour talking about my mother, which I'd never done before. The feelings I have for my therapist are definitely maternal ones. She is older than I am, and I have a lot of respect for her wisdom and her opinions. As far as I'm concerned, she is the best therapist I've ever had. She is compassionate and understanding, and she has no problem calling me on stuff when I'm not being honest with myself. I feel as though I can tell her anything without fear of judgment or rejection. My mental and emotional health has improved greatly over these years, and I believe a lot of it is due to her influence in my life. And yes, I know that I did the necessary work to get where I am today, but I couldn't have done it without her constant support.
I also know that my therapist and I have the kind of relationship that I truly wish I had with my mother. So, since my reaction to my therapist's hug was so visceral, and hadn't happened before, I probably just transferred those feelings of love for my mother onto my therapist.
I do plan on discussing this poem and my feelings with her in my next session. I'm very interested to find out her reaction and how she would have handled the situation if I had actually said those four words when I first felt them.
