Author's Notes

It's been such an emotional roller coaster. Within a matter of a few days of learning that my mother needed open-heart surgery, I went from my initial reaction of overwhelming fear at the possibility of my mother's death, to the acceptance of it if that was her choice.

My parents are Jehovah's Witnesses, and they do not believe in taking blood transfusions. But the doctors wouldn't perform the surgery without using blood, which she refused.

A few family members (who are not of the same faith as my mother) tried to talk her into letting the doctors use the blood, by telling mom that she should think of her grandchilden, they love her and would miss her terribly. But I saw that as trying to use her grandchildren as emotional blackmail. Which to me, was totally selfish, and that's not what unconditional love is, at all.

So, with that kind of pressure, I felt it was important for me to tell my mom that I would not do that to her. And that I loved her and supported her decision, with the full knowledge of what that might ultimately mean; her death. I knew that I'd never be able to tell her how I felt without breaking down in tears and I wouldn't be able to get the words out right. So, I wrote everything down in this poem and gave it to her.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't want my mother to die. I don't even want to imagine how difficult it's going to be to live without her. But I can't tell her that I love her, and at the same time use it against her, by trying to tempt her to go against what she believes is right. How is that love? It's not. Sometimes love is letting go, when every instinct is screaming at you to just hold on for dear life.

My mom is basically a heart attack waiting to happen. She was released from the hospital a week later, since she refused treatment from two differant doctors. Mom's heart doctor told her he wasn't sure when she might have a heart attack; it could happen in six days, six months, or six years. That was a month ago now. Two weeks ago she saw a doctor in South Carolina. They have a bloodless department in a hospital there. She is still waiting to hear back from them about a date for surgery. So, we wait.

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