I can do this

Here in a card shop, I stand
Staring the anniversary cards
The colors catch my eye first
Silver for 25 years, gold for 50th
They may not even make it
To their 50th wedding anniversary
That thought's all it takes
To push me over the edge
And I'm in tears again
But I don't want to cry now
So, I shut my eyes tight
Trying to hold them back
But it's no use, I can't
The fear of loss is so overwhelming

Come on, come on, get it together
I haven't even read a single card yet
And I'm already in tears
This is nothing I haven't done before
I can do this
I can do this for you, Mom
So I start reading a few cards
Which only brings on more tears
There is no way I can do this
How do I pick a card
When it may be the last card
She'll ever give to him
How do I choose those words
I can't do this; I simply can't
It's just too hard
This has to be the hardest thing
She has ever asked me to do
I can't do this now
Why did I ever say I would

I look at several more cards
But I still can't find anything
None of them have the right words
I dry my eyes, and remember
There's another card shop in the mall
Maybe they'll have what I want
The advice from a friend
Rings in my ears, “get a mushy one”
I should have had her pick it then
But no, I have to turn into a puddle
In the middle of the store
So, I leave thinking
A little distance might help
I keep the mantra going in my head
It's okay... I can do this
I can do this, I can do this
I may not want to
But I can do this

Walking and distance are good
I can breathe a little better now
Finally, I reach the other store
The anniversary cards are way in the back
No one else is around
Except for the sales clerks
And they're both busy
I can pick out my cards
And cry in peace
I decide to go ahead
And get one for my dad
Figuring that if mom didn't
Have time to buy one
Then neither did he
So I start looking for his first
“For the woman I love...” perfect
Now for mom
“For my husband,
I love you for so many reasons...”
That will do just fine
And now, one for me
Okay that's it, I'm done
So with red eyes and running nose
I pay for the cards
And the clerk never said a word

I was able to do this
Even if I didn't think I could

8.20.03

CMT

Author's Notes

A few weeks ago, my mother had her stomach problems diagnosed and to fix the problem she was going to need surgery. But before it could be scheduled, she was sent to her heart doctor for some test to see if she could even survive the surgery. The results of the test were not good, and she was immediately admitted into the hospital. The doctor told her that she needed to have a quadruple by-pass, or open heart surgery.

That night, when I visited her at the hospital, she asked me to do her a favor. She asked me to get her an anniversary card for my father, their anniversary was coming up on Saturday, and she hadn't had time to buy a card for him yet. I told her that I would do it, no problem.

Since, I'd bought anniversary cards for my dad before, I didn't think it would be any differant. Back when I lived with my parents, my dad used to give me money and ask me to pick out an anniversary card for my mother. I did this for him for quite a few years, until I moved out on my own. I'd look for cards that said things I thought my mom would like to hear. But my mom had never asked me to ever buy one for my dad. So, I found that picking out a card for her was a hell of a lot harder than I originally thought it would be.

Mainly because, I put to much pressure on myself in trying to find the perfect card, thinking it may be the last card my mom would ever give to my dad. But once I realized the cards won't be the last words my parents would ever say to each other, I was able to let go of the card having to be perfect, so that I could actually find one. And then deciding to look for a card for my dad first also made it a little easier because it was more familiar.

I wrote the poem later on that night after I returned from the hospital and had given them their cards for each other.