Busted by Roarin' Fire

Author's Notes

If you've read any of my poems from the past couple of years, or if you've read Kodi's "Xena: Warrior Slave" or "A Bondage Primer," then you know that we are into BDSM (Bondage/Discipline, Slave/Master). Kodi is the Dom in our relationship. So far, she has only given me one non-negotiable rule that I am to obey, which is that I must ask her for permission to masturbate, but everything else is open for discussion.

Anyway, Kodi caught me about to break that one rule the other night. But it wasn't the first time I'd broken it.

We've eased very slowly into a BDSM dynamic. Kodi is experienced, but I'm not, and neither of us wants to do anything to damage our relationship, so we talk a lot about what we want and don't want. Last year, Kodi finally used a whip on me for the first time just to give me an idea of what it felt like. She went really light and I enjoyed it, but she hasn't used it since. Later on, after the masturbation rule went into effect, she told me that if I disobeyed her, she would whip me really hard; that it would be really painful rather than arousing, though she wouldn't seriously hurt me.

However, at that time, Kodi didn't realize that the threat of pain is not a deterrent for me, that it's actually a huge turn-on, and it became something I really wanted from her. It had been months since she'd whipped me, so my little mind began to formulate a plan. I intentionally masturbated without permission, and then confessed several days later in an e-mail. Her response was so not what I was expecting. She explained to me in no uncertain terms that she did not appreciate being manipulated like that and therefore had decided not to whip me because she didn't want to encourage that kind of behavior.

But even though I knew I had broken the rule on purpose to get what I wanted, I hadn't realized I was trying to manipulate her. I was trying to top from the bottom and Kodi was not well for that at all. Unfortunately, she didn't come up with an alternative punishment for me, which she's realized in retrospect wasn't the best way to handle the situation.

I then broke the rule two more times in order to make sure I could still orgasm while taking some new medication for mild sleep apnea. Kodi let it go again because she knew how concerned I was about the possible loss of my libido and was trying to be understanding. She didn't realize that her not enforcing any consequences was setting up a pattern for me. I felt like I could get away with breaking that rule without any repercussions.

Then she caught me this last time, and I finally realized how much my actions were hurting her. We only talked for a few minutes, and then she jumped in the shower to think, and I jumped on the computer to do the same and wrote the poem. She read it after she got out of the shower, and then we talked for a good two hours. She explained to me that she'd come up with what she thought would be a very appropriate punishment.

For one week, I would not be allowed to play Spider Solitaire, or any other replacement computer games, and I also wouldn't be allowed to read any online lesbian fiction. She told me she'd chosen this particular punishment for two reasons. One, I love playing Spider and not being able to would definitely make an impact on me. And two, because I usually only play Spider at work, she would have to trust me to abide by the punishment, which would help rebuild the trust I'd broken by lying to her and disobeying her.

Afterwards, we talked about the mistakes we'd both made and what was going on for both of us. Kodi was feeling manipulated and lied to, but she also knew I wasn't trying to intentionally hurt her, so she couldn't figure out why I kept disobeying her. She thought I knew that I was hurting her, but I didn't. She even offered to drop the rule altogether, since this is supposed to enhance our relationship, not drive a wedge between us. That really scared me because I didn't want Kodi to take that away from me. I want Kodi to own me. I realized I wasn't breaking the rule because I didn't want it. I was pushing her on that particular rule because I wanted her to stand up to me. I needed her to stand up to me.

When I was with Wolfmoon, she hardly ever stood up to me, and when someone can't stand up to you, that also means they can't stand up for you, and that's not a safe place to be.

With Kodi, she's constantly standing up to me. It was just this one thing she kept letting slide, and I think I was reacting to that subconsciously. We also figured out that I have a really hard time with the word masturbation, so every time I had to ask for permission, I would just stress about it. So, now, we've changed it to, "May I come?" Which is more accurate, since Kodi owns my pleasure, not the action that gets me there. Basically, I don't come without her permission, no matter which one of us causes my orgasm.

We also worked out another misunderstanding, though really it was just me trying to rationalize what I was doing. Kodi had told me that it was my choice whether I obeyed her or not, meaning that she wasn't going to beat me into submission. She wants my submission to be freely given, not something that she has to take. For Kodi, this doesn't work if I'm not enjoying what she's doing. But I took it to mean that I could choose when I would or wouldn't obey, that it was all up to me. After Kodi had a nice long laugh, I was informed that this was not the case.

All in all, I think it was probably a good thing I got busted. It gave us a chance to work out several issues that we'd both been ignoring for a while. Plus, all the talking has brought us closer together.