Why Do I Care

I realized how much I missed you
And suggested that we go to lunch
Like we use to
And you agreed

So, now we're sitting at the table
Talking about my wedding
I tell you what we're planning
That we'll be doing a lot of talking
Our vows will be questions
Instead of statements like usual vows
You look at me as if I were insane
I try to explain so you'll understand
But all I get is your silence
So I just stop talking
Feeling like there's no point

Then I wonder why do I even bother
To try and share my life with you
You don't know what it's like to be gay
To feel less than the rest of the world
Because we have no legal right to marry
We have to sign several legal documents
Just to give each other the same rights
That you get just by saying "I do"
And I wonder what you must be thinking
Of me and of our ceremony
I do know that you care about me
I just don't know how to interpret
Your looks or your silence
So I assume the worst

Later I ask myself why
Why do I care what you think
Our ceremony doesn't require that we say
Certain words for it to be official
We can say and do anything we want
Our wedding will be very unique
As unique as the woman I'm marrying
I don't care what anyone thinks
About me, or Kodi, or our wedding
We are doing what makes us happy
Whether or not anyone else gets it

I know that Kodi is different
I've never met anyone else like her
She is definitely an individual
With her own formidable opinions
Which are very different than most
But that's part of why I love her
She isn't afraid to be her own person
Regardless of what others may think
This ceremony is for us
We both want it to be different
Very different from my first one

I feel that I've had my ceremony
This will be Kodi's first
And as far as I am concerned
She can have whatever she wants
That is my gift to her
But she isn't planning it all, we both are
She constantly wants my input
There is no doubt in my mind
That it will be an event to remember
It will be beautiful and intensely emotional
Which is exactly what I want
I want to feel everything, every moment
And I want everyone else to feel
Just how much I love this woman

For our wedding day, I can hardly wait

7.8.03

CMT

Author's Notes

I had lunch earlier in the week with a straight friend of mine from work. Back when I was single, we used to go out to lunch every day. But once Kodi and I started saving for our new car, I was put on a budget, which ended my spending money willy-nilly. And now, since we're saving for the wedding, I'm still on a budget.

So, it's been months since my friend and I have gone to lunch together. Then a couple weeks ago, I found myself missing her company and wanted us to spend some time together like we did back when we were both single. But then, while we were having lunch, I was very disappointed at what I felt was her reaction to Kodi's and my wedding plans. I interpreted her look and silence as disapproval, which may not necessarily have been the truth. It could have just been me being way too sensitive about everything, I don't know. But nevertheless, I was angry, and writing the poem helped me to release some of that anger.

But now, a few days later, I think there was probably a little more going on with me than I cared to admit at the time. As you may already know, my ex and I recently divorced, and whenever I talk about it with any of my straight friends, I get different responses. They range from, "It's not real or legal, right?" to "Oh, that's what you people do." To me, these comments aren't supportive at all, which leaves me feeling very frustrated with the way things are.

No, since I'm gay, I don't have any legal right to marry or be divorced. But even though neither my marriage to nor my divorce from Wolfmoon was legal, they were both very real. I guess my frustration is that most of the straight people I know think that those rituals must be legal for them to be real. It feels like they're saying that because these major events in my life weren't legal, they were just pretend, which really hurts. It's strange what they believe passes as being supportive.