The End of Us

Today's the day, it's finally here
After waiting for five months
The paper work is all ready
Nothing to do now except
Cross the t's and dot the i's
The divorce is final today

I wake up late, 7:45am
I'm usually up by seven
Guess who forgot to set the alarm clock
Kodi and I were up late last night
Tying the cords to be used in our handfasting
I'm not really in a mood to hurry
But I set a steady pace
Out of the shower by eight
Obviously this day is
On its own schedule
I decide to work with that
And just let the day happen
However it's supposed to

I start getting dressed
I pick up a stud earring for the left, a diamond
Pick up one for the right, the other diamond
Umm, not the emerald I usually wear
But okay, I'll go with it, something different
Today is for myself, for me, not for Kodi
So, no emerald just for today
And it's been a long time since
I've worn both diamond studs at the same time

God, I'd love to have a tape recorder in my head
To catch all this stuff, it's perfect
Document the whole day
Damn, I'd love to stay home and write
But I really can't afford any time off
So I'll just go to work and do it there

I continue getting dressed and put on my jeans
Because I'm more comfortable in them
They're who I am, I always wear them
Into my closet to find a shirt
Which color should I wear
Where is the gray one
I figure it's going to be a gray day
Emotionally speaking that is
No, not that one, the other one, the polo
Well hello, I haven't seen you in a while
Oh, there's the gray one, way in the back
But I'll wear you, the oak heather polo instead
Oak is an earth tone, very me
Plus, it will match my new shoes perfectly
Dressed and out the door by 8:30am

At work now, I open a Word session
The phone rings, the first call of the day
It's you, my soon to be ex-wife officially
We talk for a while, and then I suggest a change
Of location for the signing of the papers
From the shelter with picnic tables at the park
Where there might be a ton of kids
To the one at the church on Parkway Avenue
It just feels right
I think you know why

You remember, that's were I parked the car
That night after we left couple's counseling
It had been a very difficult session
We continued to talk in the car
Until I finally had to stop
I couldn't see to drive
For all the tears in my eyes
It was there in that parking lot
Where I finally asked for your decision
To which you answered
That you wanted to be with her
Our relationship was over
And it hurt like hell
Neither of us had been very happy
For quite a while, change was inevitable
And there was nothing we could do to stop it

God, I remember the rest of that night
After we got home, neither of us spoke much at all
At that point, there wasn't anything else to say
The truth was finally out in the open
You wanted to be with her
But it was so hard to just leave me
Leave the security of all our years together
All I really remember about that night
Is how very much it hurt
It felt like conjoined twins being ripped apart

Damn, just thinking about it now
And here come the tears
Making it hard to see the keyboard
We cried so much that night
Every time we were in the same room
We'd just cry and hold each other
We tried to comfort each other
But there was no real comfort to be found
It was too late for that
Decisions had been made
The words had been said

It's almost lunchtime now
And there is a song that's been playing
In my head all morning
Patty Smyth's "Goodbye to You"
Then there is Michelle Branch's
Song of the same title
In the car, oh good, I do have the CD
I listen to it, the song, over
And over again, as I drive home
I cry the whole way there
God, how can it still hurt this much
After all this time

And I wanted this
I even asked for this divorce
If I'd known from the beginning
That it would hurt this much
Would I have still done it

Yes, I would
I still want closure, an ending
This official release of the past
How can I feel so sad about this ending
And feel so loved and happy
About my new beginnings with Kodi
Both are very intense and make me cry

Sitting at the last stop light before I get home
I wonder if I'm trying to get all cried out
So I won't have to cry tonight
Nice idea, but I doubt seriously that it'll work

I'm headed back to work now
And there is the gray in this day
It'll be raining before long
But I guess it is fitting
The sky may as well cry too
For you and me
For the ending of us

As I try to say goodbye to you
To what we once were
I feel sadness for the past
But I'm also hopeful for the future
Along with endings come new beginnings
A new phase in this relationship with you
Friends, back to where we started
Not such a bad place to be
That friendship has always been there
It was the core of who we were

And then there is my upcoming wedding to Kodi
Yes, my love for her is different
Than what I felt for you
But it is strong, true, and very intense
I love her completely
Similar, yet different
To how I feel I loved you
Because that is how I love
That is who I am
But I am not lost in it
We have not merged into one
I am part of it, but I still have me
We are two together in this love
And I am happy, so very happy

That is my wish for you as well
May you find your happiness
And may you always be
Exactly where you want to be

I love you too, Lisa!

6.12.03