Author's Notes

For me to explain this poem, I need to go back to mid March, to the week after I wrote But I Don't Wanna. The past few weeks had been really stressful, mainly because the divorce planning was not going according to my vision. I had an appointment with my therapist, and we discussed the divorce ritual and how I wanted it to happen. We also talked about Wind Dancer's sudden change of plans and how that might affect the ritual. We actually talked for an hour and a half, and when I got home, Kodi and I talked for another two hours. Both of them pretty much gave me the same advice, and that was for me to write out exactly how I saw the ritual happening. Kodi told me to just do it for me; it didn't have to be perfect, nor did I have to know all the details. Just write out what I wanted as if it were a perfect world.

So the next day, I did just that. I wrote out the whole ceremony from beginning to end. After Kodi read it, I told her that maybe I should let Wolfmoon read it also. That way she'd have a better idea of what I had in mind. To which Kodi responded that was the main point of writing it out.

I called Wolfmoon and asked if she'd like to read it, which she did. The next evening after work, she stopped by the house and read my version of the ritual, and then we talked. I told her that I realized I was not being fair to her in regards to the ceremony. I felt that I was basically trying to run the show, and all she had to do was show up and read her part and that was it. It felt just like being back in our relationship again, like I knew what was good for both of us. This ceremony was supposed to be for both of us, so I needed to let her have some input, too. It was already obvious what I wanted, but the question was what did Wolfmoon want. At this point, she wasn't sure. She wanted time to think about it, so we decided to meet again in a few weeks to make our final decision about the divorce ceremony.

The next day, I noticed that my mood had definitely improved. I mentioned to Kodi that I felt relieved, almost like we'd actually had the ceremony. She explained that in a way I had. That by writing out the ceremony, then letting Wolfmoon read it, I gave myself the gift of a perfect ceremony, and my subconscious really couldn't tell the difference between just writing out the ceremony and actually performing it. I guess it was true too, because I did feel a lot better, and part of that might have been asking Wolfmoon for her input also. That in itself really took a lot of responsibility off my shoulders.

During this same time, I had stopped wearing my signet ring because I had an allergic reaction to the hand soap at work, it gave me a rash on that finger. So, I'd taken the ring off for a few days to give my finger a chance to heal. It was then that I seriously considered why I was wearing the signet ring in the first place.

After I had finally gotten to the point where I was ready to take off my wedding ring, I had realized I couldn't stand not having a ring on that finger. So I had gone out and bought the signet ring, so that I wouldn't be constantly reminded of the loss of that relationship. I'd been wearing it ever since.

Once I made that connection, I decided not to wear the ring again once the rash was gone because I wanted to make a distinction between my past marriage and my future one. I had gone a month with no ring on my left hand, when Kodi gave me the Celtic knot ring, my engagement ring. She totally surprised me, too. We'd never even talked about an engagement ring at all.

I've said this before and I'll say it again. No one has ever loved me the way that Kodi does. I guess I'll eventually learn to expect the unexpected from her. I never know what she's going to come up with.

Oh, don't worry about me not giving Kodi an engagement ring. She actually got hers quite a while ago, see the poem called The Earring.

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