Author's Notes

I saw one of my sisters-in-law two weeks ago for the first time in quite a few years. It felt okay; we passed each other in the hallway at my chiropractor's office. We were both very cordial to one another. And when Kodi and I saw her again today sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office... Well, how do I explain this? My brother has been seeing this doctor for much longer than I have. And the staff there is quite taken with him and his family.

When we walked into the lobby, the staff seemed all happy to tell me that my sister-in-law was there with my two-year-old niece (who I'd never seen before). So, when I stopped to speak and to introduce Kodi to her, I panicked because I felt them watching and listening, and I just knew they'd see that my sister-in-law and I haven't actually talked or even seen each other in years, and it's all because I'm gay. I was so afraid they'd find out that mine isn't just the happy family like they probably thought. No, mine's just as dysfunctional as anyone's.

And it did fleetingly cross my mind to introduce Kodi as my fiancé, but then my next thought was, "No, she'll call my mother and tell her." And I could see my mother having a heart attack right then and there, as she disowned her only daughter for being sacrilegious. So I chose the safest route possible and went with "roommate." And after it was out of my mouth, I winced at actually hearing myself say that word. I was immediately kicking myself for my lack of courage.

I'd really love to be more like Kodi. She is very out and very proud of her sexuality, and she doesn't care what people think about her for just being who she is. But me on the other hand, I grew up in a very religious home, where I knew from a very young age that I was different from everyone else. I remember sitting in church and listening to the minister talk about homosexuals and knowing that he was talking about me. How could I have known what I was? I'd never had sex of any kind. I'd never even seen two women together, but still I knew that I was one of them. I also knew that I couldn't tell anyone, especially my parents, who I feared wouldn't love me if they knew the truth about me. So I hid my secret, buried it way down deep inside myself, and tried to act like everyone else: normal. Denying the truth about one's self always has consequences, which today, at the age of 43, I'm still feeling.

My relationship with my parents is superficial at best, but they do know that I'm gay. I'm just not sure how they'll handle the news of my wedding, since I never told them when I got married the first time. So, I'm still struggling with telling them or not. My main fear is that if I tell them, afterwards, the tenuous relationship we have now will become nonexistent.

After we left the doctor's office, I thought Kodi would be mad, or at least disappointed with me. So, I wrote the poem for her once I had gotten back to work. I gave it to her when I got home that evening, and to my surprise, she wasn't angry with me at all. She said it was okay and that she understood how difficult that stuff is for me.

Although Kodi may not have been upset with me, I was. I am not ashamed of Kodi, nor am I ashamed of our relationship. I am very proud of her and our love for each other. It's just when it comes to my parents, old habits die hard, and it's really difficult to break out of them. I do feel that this is an issue I still need to work on. I'd like to be more comfortable in this skin of mine.

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