Happiness

It's a feeling I've had for a while now
It hits me from time to time
Especially when I least expect it
And I look around and wonder
Does it show, does anyone know?
Can they see just how happy I am?
Then it occurs to me that
I don't care if anyone else knows or not
Because I know, and that's enough

But I've wanted to tell you
Only I've been hesitant to voice it
Mainly out of fear I guess
Afraid that saying the words
Might jinx it somehow
And the feeling would disappear
See, I've always heard that happiness
Was something intangible
That the harder one pursued it
The more illusive happiness became

Like trying to catch a butterfly
The more energy that's used
Trying to catch one, the harder it is
But if you sit quietly and wait
The butterfly may light on your shoulder
I guess that's true 'cause before you came along
I didn't give happiness a second thought
I mean I knew when I wasn't happy
But I wasn't thinking, "Well, I'll do this
Or that, and then I'll be happy"
I just knew I wanted love in my life again

And then I fell in love with you
Now today, it's our second anniversary
And things are real good between us
You know it took a while
For me to recognize the feeling though
I had a warm sensation in my chest
Accompanied by a smile on my face
Whenever I thought about you
I just thought that it was love
But then one day, driving home from work
It hit me that I am happy
So much happier than I ever hoped to be

I am exactly where I want to be
No more hoping things would get better
Or wishing I were somewhere else
I found exactly what I was looking for
A woman who wants and loves me as much as I do her
A woman who has no problem giving me what I need
A woman who doesn't use me
Or play games with my head or heart
A woman who is honest with me
But most importantly
She won't lie to herself either
I'd say I made an excellent choice
With you I couldn't be happier

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, DARLING!

3.13.02

CMT

Author's Notes

Today is our second anniversary. I started looking at cards back in February, but I didn't have any luck at all in finding the perfect card, one that expressed my feelings. So, I decided to hell with trying to find one. I knew what I wanted to say. I'd just write it myself.

We went out for dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. We enjoyed the food as well as the conversation. On the ride home, we continued to talk about the poem and my feelings, when I realized something. It was one of those realizations that I knew would make my therapist proud. Yet, as I told Kodi what I had just thought, it scared the hell out of me because those words were actually coming out of my mouth.

I realized that the feeling of me being happy was all mine. That it wasn't Kodi's, but mine. Although it involved her, it had nothing to do with her. I wasn't feeling happy just because Kodi was happy.

This may not seem like such a big thing, but to me it was; it was huge. And in Kodi's words, it was a very healthy thing, too. Especially since I have a long history of co-dependence, which probably started in childhood (like everything else).

My last relationship was very co-dependent. The term my therapist used for my ex and I was "enmeshed," meaning it was hard to tell where one person ended and the other began. I was in that relationship for twenty years, and at the time, our behavior just seemed normal for us. So, even though I have worked on this issue for quite some time, it still surprises me when I recognize behavior that is or isn't co-dependent.

Fortunately, Kodi and I have a much healthier relationship. But old habits die hard, and occasionally I'll slip back into that co-dependent state of mind. Then Kodi will remind me that her stuff isn't mine any more than mine is hers.