All these old photographs
I've never seen before
You as a baby, then a little girl
All dressed up in your Sunday best
Now a teenager with both of your parents
The three of you out on picnics together
And you're actually smiling
I get the feeling that you were very shy
But still you seem to be happy
Happier than I've seen you before
I stare at the pictures as I realize
This is the very first time
I've ever seen my great-grandmother
I always thought she died before
You came to Canada from England
But she didn't, you were living in
Island Falls when she died
Then it hits me, that my mom
Never knew her grandmother
She only knew her grandfather
I can't even imagine
How hard that must have been
For everyone concerned
Then Mom hands me a picture
A woman in her 60's I'd guess
She's standing in a doorway of an old house
Holding out a teapot and a cup and saucer
It's your grandmother in England
Granny Lano, Mom's great-grandmother
My great great-grandmother
Then Mom hands me a cardboard picture holder
I open it to find a beautifully preserved
Black and white photograph of you and Grampa
One that was taken on your wedding day
You were so young and beautiful
And Grampa was a very handsome young man
I'm totally blown away by this photo
I've never seen you like this, so young and happy
By the time I came along, you were in your forties
It feels so strange to be looking at these photographs now
Now that you're not here
Now that you're dead
Mom seems proud to be sharing all this with me
I smile to hide the pain I feel
The pain of being denied the privilege
Of seeing these photographs
Of sharing your past with you
Why didn't you show me all these pictures
Did you think I wasn't interested
Did you think I didn't care
Or was it simply too painful to look at the past
Rationally, I know it's not all your fault
For I too was a very shy child
I never asked you about your childhood
Let alone, if there were any pictures from it
You always seemed like such a private woman
And there were some things that were just not talked about
I remember hearing the phrase
That children should be seen and not heard
And Mom always told us to behave when we arrived
I guess she didn't want us making her look bad
So I never felt comfortable enough or
Felt that it was okay to ask you questions
But you shouldn't have had to die
For me to have this knowledge
For me to understand you a little more
For me to come to realize that
The tragedy of one event can be felt for generations
The death of your mother shaped who you became
Which affected how you raised my mother
And the woman she grew up to be
Which in turn has also affected me
Now I'm left wondering
How different would your life have been
If your mother hadn't died
When you were only seventeen
How different would mine be
Would I still be here sharing this moment with my mother
Or instead would I be sitting with you
Looking through these old photographs
8.27.01
My parents had returned home earlier in the week from their fourth trip to Canada. The house had been sold, so Mom and her other sisters were dividing up their parents' things. I had gone out to Mom and Dad's house for dinner. Mom started showing me all the things that she'd brought back with her. Among these, it was the photo albums that captured my attention. They were full of pictures that I'd never seen before. There was also a box of loose photos. We spent most of the evening just looking at pictures.
I think what amazed me most was the amount of photographs from my grandmother's past. She never had many photos up around the house when we came up to visit. I really only remember there ever being a few on top of the television set. But they were always of us, her grandchildren, of milestones in our lives, usually school pictures. The last ones I recall to hold that place of honor were 5x7's from my high school graduation, one of me in the black drape and the other in the cap and gown. There were also two 5x7 photos from my brother's wedding.
These were photos of my past, not hers. I never knew that pictures of her past even existed. I'd never seen any, so I never even thought to ask.
I always believed that my relationship with my grandparents was okay. I mean I felt that it was distant, but I thought that had more to do with the miles that separated us than anything else. I knew that I loved them and that they loved me. Everything was okay or so I thought.
But now I'm beginning to realize that it wasn't okay, it was anything but okay. I realize that I wanted and needed more from my relationship with them, more than just settling for what I got. I needed to really feel their love, to have them know and understand me. I also needed to know and understand just who they were.
I needed more, so much more... I just never knew how to ask for it.
This is one of the pictures of my grandparents that I mentioned in the poem, their wedding photo.
These two shots were taken during my senior year of high school.
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