You're Not Her

These days seem to be filled
With my insecurities and fears
I never meant to doubt your love
It's just that my past
Has crept up on me
And I can't see beyond it
I didn't even know that
These things were there
But now that I do
They must be dealt with
To keep them from getting
In our way any more than
What they already have

This morning, I was in a funk
It wasn't your fault, nor was it mine
I woke from a dream this way
So I decided to take your advice
And see if I could change my mood
I was on my way to the courthouse
Walking down the sidewalk
When an image came to me
And now I've got this
Huge smile on my face
One that's impossible to hide
Though it's not like I want to

The image was of you, of course
Of the night when I arrived in Rochester
I called to tell you we'd arrived
I remember the total surprise and
Disbelief in your voice
It took a bit to convince you
But once I named the cross street
Of where the car was parked
You said, "Oh, my god you are here!
I'll be right down."
We had started to walk
The block back to your building
The side door must have opened
We were still yards away
But I saw a form sort of
Hurriedly fly out
And land on the street
It was now walking towards us
I knew it was you
There was no one else
It could have been
As you got closer I could
See that you were wearing
A tank top and cut-offs
And you were barefoot
Your hair was still
Wet from a shower
It was then that I saw
The most wonderful sight, your smile
A smile that said so many things
Without saying a single word
"God, how I've missed you"
"I'm so happy to see you"
"I can't believe you're finally here"
"Oh I love you so much"
You wrapped me in your arms
And held me tight
That told me everything
I'd ever need to know
That you'll never let me go

As I walked on, I did feel better
Knowing that you were mine
And that I am very much in love with you
I know I should let go of the past
And let go of the fear
Sometimes it feels like
That's the hardest thing to do
But I will keep trying
And maybe someday the past
Won't be quite so overwhelming
But until then I'll just
Keep reminding myself
That you're not going anywhere
And that you are
Most definitely not her

7.6.01
CMT

Author's Notes

Now this is a tough one to explain. How do I give you just enough information about this poem so that you'll get the gist of what was going on, without me having to tell you all the gory details.

I was having an emotionally rough couple of days. I had been trying to deal with an issue that I thought involved Kodi, but she thought otherwise. I finally figured out that she was right; it had nothing to do with her. Turns out that I was still hanging on to old emotions left over from something very stressful that had happened between my ex and I. Something that I didn't even realize was still affecting me now in my relationship with Kodi. We talked it all out over the course of a few nights. Things felt good between us, until a few days later when I woke from this dream. I couldn't even recall what the dream was about. I was just left in this really funky mood.

Kodi has been trying to tell me for some time now, that I am in control of how I feel. And if I am feeling bad, then I can change it. I don't have to stay in a bad mood. I can do something about it. This was my first attempt at trying to control my moods. I wrote the poem to let Kodi know that it actually did work and to tell her how I did it.