Hold On

Hold on tight, she said
No, not this time
Not anymore, I can't
This one is not about holding on
It's about letting go
I have always held on
So white knuckle tight
To everything in my life
From childhood until now
Thinking that I had to have control
I had to make things happen
But I have no control, no power
I can not make anything happen
Now, I am learning to let go
Of the illusions of love
Of the past, the pain, the guilt
In order to have what I want
To have the love I want
I must let go
And let it happen
Not forcing it, just letting it happen
And I have, I am letting go
I can't believe the way this feels
I have never felt this freed before
I have never felt this loved before
I have never felt this joy before
You're spinning me around and around
I am flying, and falling
All at the same time
It's like riding a roller coaster
Sitting in the front with my hands
High in the air
Feeling the excitement and fear
I have never liked roller coasters
But now with you my dear
I can't wait for the ride to begin

5.22.00

CMT

Author's Notes

Kodi and I had been spending a lot of time talking in e-mails, online chat, and on the phone (you wouldn't believe my phone bills). I was falling hard and fast for her.

This poem was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend at work, who I'd talked with about Kodi (hell, I told complete strangers about being in love with her). My friend told me to hold on tight and enjoy the ride. My immediate response was, 'No. This one (this love) is not about holding on. This one's about letting go.'

I had come to understand that love is not something to be held onto so tightly that all the life is squeezed out of it. To me, holding on meant trying to control what happens. You can't control love any more than you can control the rising and setting of the sun. I felt like that's what I had done before and I wasn't about to make that mistake again. It's more like a Zen thing - in order to have, you must let go. The feeling was so very incredible.