The Fear of Losing You

Your memory started to return
You needed someone to listen
I heard your words
Their meaning slowly sank in
You continued to speak
But I heard only the sound
Of your voice; nothing more
The emotion became so heavy
Crushing me under its weight
Until tears streamed down my face
The feeling was so intense
That I couldn't even recognize it
Through your own pain
You reached out to me, held me
Comforted me with the softness of your voice
Which only caused more tears to fall
You asked what was wrong, what hurt
I didn't know, I could only shake my head
I could not speak; I could find no words
To describe what I was feeling
You asked if I was scared
Maybe, but not for whom you might think
Finally I managed to choke out
“It could have been you”
And there it was, there was the answer
I felt the fear of losing you
And it's that fear that moves me to speak now
To explain your importance in my life
Which I am sure you do already know
But I feel that I must say the words
Not for you, but for me
I need you to hear my words
Not for you, but for me
I need to make sure you know how I feel
Not for you, but for me
I don't want to leave anything important unsaid
Thinking that I have plenty of time to tell you
Or that you know what's in my heart
I need to tell you now
You have been a mother figure to me
Yes I do have one
One who loves me very much
But it's just not the same
You give me something that she can not
Then again, she may not even have it to give
Or maybe I am the one
Who refuses to allow her to give it to me
But you are my gay mother; my kindred spirit
You love and understand me
For exactly who I am
Not for who you want me to be
Many years ago, you opened your heart and your home
Giving me a safe place to be
A place where it was okay to be gay
Where showing affection wasn't queer
But expected and completely natural
Because of you, your love, your friendship
That little house on Dorsett Street
Became my haven, my refuge,
My shelter, my sanctuary
From the hatred of the world, from my past
From my parents beliefs
You gave me courage to be who I was
Courage to stand on my own
To leave my parents home
And live with my lover
On many occasions you gave me
The benefit of your experience, your wisdom
And your way with words
You took care of me
Taking me to the doctor
You fed me, protected me and clothed me
You were there for me
Good times or bad
To lend an ear, a shoulder
Your arms, your kitchen table
You introduced me to culture
By taking me to the theater
And our own culture at my first gay bar
You gave me a place to stay
On vacations in California
You shared her sacred treasures with me
You gave me the honor
Of standing up with me at my wedding
You read the poem, you did the flowers and the reception
As difficult as it may have been
You pulled it off with style and grace
Just like any mother would have
For a beloved child
You have done so much through the years
I felt as though I could never repay
All that you had given to me
Until that night in your garage
When you allowed me to hold you
While you sobbed in my arms
Where we cried for the lose of our loves
For the past few years we emailed daily
Giving each other strength and courage
Our lifeline across the miles
I recall a conversation
One we'd had a few weeks ago
It occurred to me that I might have lied to you
Not intentionally, maybe I was lying to myself as well
You said that I had you upon a pedestal
My answer was no, I saw you as being human
Capable of making mistakes
Although I didn't think I had you on a pedestal
It's obvious to me now
That you are a woman who holds
A very highly honored position in my life
One, which you never asked for
But one you hold never the less
All of these thoughts and emotions
Ran through me in a matter of minutes
As you held me in your arms again that night
All I could do was cry, I could not tell you why
I could not tell you just how much I love you
My voice was gone; I could not speak; I had no words
Now I have my voice and the words to tell you
That my life has become richer for knowing you
I am very blessed to have your friendship
It is with great honor and pride
That I call you my friend
But at the time, all I could do was cry
And feel that pain
The fear of losing you

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