Death of the Grand Illusion

The truth was finally told
Those words, I am gay
Finally spoken from my lips
Finally heard by your ears
I searched your eyes
Waited for a response
There was no reaction
You were not shocked
I felt relief at your words
You already knew, and it did not matter
The news didn't change a thing

At first I was okay with the fact
That you already knew
Not until the next night
Did the reality start to sink in
So you knew all along
How did you know
How could you tell
You don't know, you just knew
So if you knew, then did everyone else
Surely they must have known too

So who was it that did not know
Who was deceived, who was lied to
Who was fooled, who was betrayed
It was no one else but me
Now that truth shatters the illusion
And sends it crashing down
Crushed and sobbing, I am forced to admit
I lied to myself, I betrayed myself
I deceived myself, I am the fool
I fooled no one but me
I did it to myself, and to no one else

I had no control over what others thought
In reality I had no secret
I was not hiding a thing
I have always dressed this way
Comfortable clothes, jeans, flannel shirts
And worn no make up
Everyone else saw, what I could not
Everyone else knew, what I did not
“A dyke who didn't know it”
So how could I know and not know at the same time
Denial, deep in denial

The lie – that I wasn't really gay
I never actually spoke the lie
But I heard the lie
And only I believed the lie
The illusion – that no one else knew I was gay
The grand illusion – that I believed
Both the lie and the illusion for so many years
For most of my life and now faced with the truth
At 9:30pm on February 17, 2000
The grand illusion is dead
It exists no more

2.17.00

CMT

Author's Notes

I had gone out to dinner with a friend from high school who I hadn't seen in twenty years. For me, a lot of things had changed during that time. I had always known I was gay. From the time I was a small child, I knew I was different. I was raised in a very strict religious home. So, I buried the notion that I was gay deep within myself. It was so deep that Wolfmoon and I were lovers for two years before I could even admit that I was a homosexual. At the time, my viewpoint was that Wolfmoon was a lesbian, but I was not. I was simply in love with a person and this person just happened to be a woman.

At dinner, I came out to my friend, but she already knew. And she was very cool with it. But what really bothered me the most was that she already knew. For so many years, I had believed my sexuality was hidden, that no one knew I was gay. So, no one was supposed to know unless I told them.

But obviously, I was the only one living under that delusion.