Write It by Roarin' Fire

Write It

"WRITE IT" came your command
firm, yet gentle, but a command nonetheless
"write what?" I thought, "the words aren't there"
the tears were there, the emotion was there
but still no words, or so I thought
the words were there, I simply chose not to see them
and now this morning those same words
refuse to be ignored any longer
the words; respect, breakup, love, divorce, acceptance
words full of meaning and power
here come the tears again
I have tried all morning to hold them back
now I find that I must let them go like yesterday

I cried for you
for the love and respect you showed to me
over something that was important to me
and that made it important to you
I felt overwhelmed by the depth of your love for me
for your loss, at your second anniversary of that loss
for those days when you almost did not make it through
for the fact that you did make it through that day
for me at what would have been my loss if you had not
a very big loss if you were no longer here for me

I cry for me
at the realization of the depth of my love for her
for the confusion of not knowing just where I stand in that love
for me at actually hearing the word divorce for the first time
for feeling the weight and meaning of the word
to dissolve, separate, severance
to terminate an existing relationship or union
for the sadness and pain of that word
for the feeling that maybe it is time for that word
for the relief and clarity that word might bring

I cry for me
for finally understanding the phrase
'sometimes love is just not enough'
for the acceptance in that phrase
for admitting that I have no control
for trying to let her be who she is
and not who I want her to be
and to let me be exactly who I am
and to be OK with that
for the letting go, the hardest part

for if you loved me you would
and if you loved me you would not ask

10.1.99

Author's Notes

This poem is actually about a lot of different things. The inspiration for it came from a conversation I had with Georgia, in which we used all those words from the first stanza. The final thought she left me with was for me to write about what I was feeling.

So, the subject of the first stanza is acceptance. The acceptance of letting myself feel the emotions, and by feeling them, I was able to write about them.

The subject of the second stanza is how much I cared about Georgia and how much it would have hurt to lose her. And this part is actually very hard for me to write. In October of 1997 Georgia had broken up with her lover of over a decade. She was so devastated at the loss of that relationship that she attempted suicide. Thank god it was a failed attempt; I would have been so lost without her.

In the third stanza, the subject is about divorce and what it means to me. Which leads into the fourth stanza about letting go and being okay with that and myself. It had been a year since Wolfmoon had moved out, but I still felt tied to her, which tells me just how codependent I was back then. But I was no longer comfortable with that level of dependency. The last two lines of the poem show my recognition of the two sides of that dynamic, which was a huge step for me at the time.

In rereading this poem, I noticed something that I used to do all the time, and that was when I cried, I would cry for a lot of reasons. One just wasn't enough. Fortunately, I no longer wait for everything to build up inside before I release it. Now, I cry very easily and over the slightest things, like sometimes I'll cry at how much I love Kodi.