Holding Pattern
I feel like my life
Our life, our love is on hold
I feel like there is nothing I can do
But wait
Wait for you
Wait for you to make up your mind
Wait for you to figure out
What you want to do
Wait for you to decide
Who you want to be with
You ask me to be patient
You ask for some time
Which means more waiting
But wait for how long
What will it take
To get you over this
For me to get out of that place
It took two years
And the threat of another woman
Taking you from me
I wonder just what
It will take for you
Do you need to lose this
Lose us, lose me
To find out who you are
Or what you need to be
5.29.98
Author's Notes
When this poem was written, Wolfmoon and I had been living in a holding pattern. I looked up the meaning of that phrase and this is what I found: A state of inaction with no progress and no change. And that's exactly how it felt, too.
Our wedding anniversary was on June 12th. For that weekend, Wolfmoon and I had gone camping at the beach, and I'd have to say that was the worst trip we'd ever taken together. It was so miserable. It was hot as hell, but it wasn't just the heat that was the problem. It was us. Living in the holding pattern for months was getting to both of us. Wolfmoon wasn't happy, and neither was I. Wolfmoon wanted out of our relationship to be with Wind Dancer. But at the same time, she didn't want to leave and lose the security of our long-term relationship either. But honestly, by that time, our relationship hadn't been secure for years.
I just wanted Wolfmoon to make up her mind. Living with such uncertainty was really getting old. I waited as long as I could for her to decide what she wanted to do, but she wouldn't. Her reasoning was that she didn't want to hurt me. But her indecision was still hurting me and everyone else for that matter. My therapist told me once that even indecision is still a decision. And that maybe I was going to have to step up and be the hard-ass and tell Wolfmoon that I'd had enough and that she was going to have to move out, since she wasn't going to do it on her own. And that has always upset me too, that Wolfmoon dragged things out for so long and then in the end made me be the bad guy simply because she didn't want to be.
I can say now that Wolfmoon's refusal to make that decision back then seriously affected my opinion of her. It made me lose a lot of respect for her. And as much as I may have once cared for her, and still do to a certain degree... I know that I will never go back to her mainly for that reason. Well, that and the fact that she hurt me very deeply, and I'm not willing to trust her with my heart like that again.
