the knife

I'm not naive nor would I even deny
any of the pain that I've felt
from the beginning with you
the image of a knife in my chest
came to me today
you are the knife
you are the foreign object
lodged deep in my chest
through my ribs into my heart
into my life as well
the mystery is that even
with this blade in my chest
my heart keeps beating
my life goes on
with the passage of time
my body has become
attached to the knife
it has become part of me
the initial penetrating pain
has long since passed

but now with your distance
comes the painful realization
that you want out
as if you are trying to
remove the knife from my chest
causing far more pain
than when I was first stabbed
my body has become accustomed to the knife
and doesn't want it removed
out of fear, fear of the pain
fear of bleeding to death
fear of a gaping hole in my heart
your words are stinging arrows
piercing my skin
which only intensifies the pain

but I cannot stop you
from doing what you feel you must
no matter how much pain
it may cause now
so go, do what you must
I will survive
pull the knife from my chest
pull the arrows from my flesh
let me bleed, let me cry
let me feel the pain
for it will take much more
than these mere wounds to kill me

for I will not let me die

10.17.97

CMT

Author's Notes

When I write, the inspiration for a poem can come as an image, whether real or imaginary, or I'll get a couple of really good lines going. Those lines could be for the beginning, or the body, or even the ending of the poem. Usually, I have some idea where the poem is going and how it will end.

But when I began writing this poem, all I had was that image of a knife stuck in my chest that "Wind Dancer" was trying to remove. I had no idea where or how the poem would end, I only had the beginning. So, I started writing it and let it go where it needed to go. I was very surprised with the ending. Surprised and very proud of it.

I was in fact saying, 'Ok, fine. Do what you have to do. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I will be more than fine!'

Those were very powerful words for me. I was standing up for myself for a change. In the past, I've been a person who would stand up and fight for everyone else but myself. It was an affirmation for me to put myself first and take care of myself.

Even though it was painful at the time, this poem has since become one of my favorites.