Take It Away

do you know that I love you
do you know what you mean to me
you fill an empty space in my heart
an empty space that I knew was there
but never wanted to admit
but now faced with the reality of losing you
I am forced to admit it and feel the pain
I am compelled to look into
the depths of the gaping hole in my heart
and see the darkness of it
and feel the cold emptiness of it
I feel the pain from everyone that has ever left me
as a tear slowly rolls down my cheek

I recall last night as I felt your frustration
and mine at this situation
I thought to myself
this is exactly why I have my walls
to keep people out, to keep them
from getting to me -- to my heart
what good does it do to tear down my walls
when all I get is this damn pain
this damn fist wrenching, heart crushing pain
the aching is so intense I can hardly breathe
all I can think of now is you telling me
to tear down my walls -- why, I ask you
can you tell me why -- just to feel this pain
no thanks, I don't need this shit
I prefer my walls -- my sturdy, dependable walls
but do I -- do I really prefer my walls
my cold, lonely, stone walls
to your warmth, your caring, your love
your hugs, your smile, your laughter
no, I don't think so
if I hadn't let my walls down enough to let you in
I never would have gotten to know you
and you never would have touched my heart
or my life the way you have

and I thought as I listened to you last night
that if I only could, I would take away your pain
then I wondered, if you would do the same for me
but now, today I wonder if that is even a solution
what would you learn, what would I learn from that
wouldn't it be so easy to have the pain taken away
yes, too damn easy and what would we learn from it
we would learn to always wait for someone else
to make the pain stop -- for someone else to take it away
we'd never learn how to deal with life
or the situations we get ourselves into
or even how to deal with the pain
we'd never learn to stand on our own two feet
to depend on ourselves more than someone else
we'd never learn to truly live
if we're always busy looking for the easy way out

and sometimes I feel like I've
always learned my lessons the hard way
but maybe that's the way it's supposed to be
maybe life isn't supposed to be easy
maybe we're not here to take away each other's pain
maybe we're not even supposed to lessen each other's pain
maybe we're here just to simply
help each other deal with our own pain or live through it
and maybe we're here just to listen
to show compassion, to care and to love each other
and that's all…

10.16.97