The Fire

I keep driving by this corner
on my way to a weekly appointment
I forget about it
until I'm here again
maybe if I'd remember, I'd go another way
but I don't
I just keep driving by this house
is it habit or something more
some powerful force
keeps drawing me to this burnt out house
making me look at it
smell it and come face to face with the past
when I first saw it
I knew I'd have to write something
the image was just too strong
the feeling too intense to ignore
I knew it was only a matter of time
until the words would come
consuming me like a roaring fire
here they come bursting into flames

I was shocked the first time
I turned the corner
and there it was
the house was gutted
the interior totally gone
only charred black studs remain
where solid walls once stood
the smell
I can smell it from here
there's no need to go any closer
the aftermath of a house fire
that pungent odor, it's indescribable
but if you ever once smell it
you'll never forget it
and it's the smell
that triggers the flood of memories
from my past
I simply close my eyes and I'm there

I'm there
it's 1980
I'm there
pulling into the driveway
of my parents new house
I'm there
shocked at the sight of the old farm house
where we once lived
going up in flames
I'm there
I can't believe it
I was sitting down
there on the porch
only a few hours ago, and now this
I'm there
watching the fire department letting it burn to the ground
I'm there
listening to their jokes and laughter as the house burns
I'm there
feeling the pain as my heart breaks
and tears roll down my face
we still had a lot of things stored in that old house
I'm there
as I recall things of mine that were in there
my high school diploma, my high school year books
my birth certificate, old photographs of my childhood
and things I'd collected since I was a child
I'm there
as the ashes continue to smolder for days later
I'm there
poking around in the ashes
just to see what I can find
with black soot on my hands
I'm there
feeling devastated at the loss
at losing things that can never be replaced
they're just gone now

I'm there
but I'm not
I'm here in the present in my car
driving back to work now, thinking
I can remember
but I don't feel the pain
the heartache
the devastation
that I did at the time, when it was so overwhelming
I guess it's true
time can heal your wounds
so no matter how bad it was
it's not that bad now

and I was also thinking about our relationship here lately
how sometimes it feels like we're walking though fire
feeling consumed by pain
doubt and fear
the pain of being totally honest
the doubt of where we're headed
and there is plenty of self-doubt here also
the fear of the unknown
of what's going to happen
and the fear of loss
of being left behind for someone new
individually these emotions can be overwhelming
but combined they become devastating

I know that fire can completely destroy everything in its path
sometimes that's the way I feel
like everything familiar is gone
sometimes I wonder if our love
our passion
is only a smoldering ember
and I wonder if it can be rekindled
to blaze brightly again
or have the rains come
and put out our fires altogether
fire could also be thought of as change
life of one form may die
but after the fire
there is life again
it may take awhile
and it may be different
but there is life after a fire
I'm proof of that
so the fire
the heat
causes new growth and change
and maybe this situation is forcing me to grow and change
and that's scary
I know I should just let go
and not worry so much
about what's going to happen
because whatever will happen
will happen whether I worry or not
but I'm not sure if I even know how

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