My First Love

I finally made love to you
Something I've wanted to do for so long
I'd almost forgotten all about you
Until I saw you last night in a dream
But it's all coming back to me now

In elementary school
You were in every one of my classes
From the first through the sixth grade
We even rode the same school bus
I always sat with you
I fell for you the first moment I saw you
I can still remember your name
And how very cute you were
How you'd smile at me
I have no photos of you
But I really don't need one
I can still see your face
See you standing there
Laughing, talking, touching me
I would do anything to be near you
I would do anything to make you laugh
Anything to make you want to be near me
I even remember that there was a boy
Who lived up the street from me
He was interested in you too and you liked him
Everyone thought you made a cute couple
Everyone but me
I wanted to be the one
The only one
I wanted to love you
I did love you
But I couldn't love you
I didn't dare

Tears flow freely now
Leaving me to wonder why
Is it because I couldn't love you
Is it because I couldn't even tell you
Just how much I did love you
Or is it because I introduced him to you
Then all I could do was walk away
Knowing I could never have you

I remember once in junior high school
I found the courage to ask you
How you felt about me
Armed with that knowledge
I then asked my next question
Which was if I were a guy
Would you go out with me
You answered with no hesitation, yes
And with that knowledge
There was still nothing else I could do
But walk away knowing I could never have you

But in my dream
You stood before me
Looking and talking to me
The past forgotten
I had to have you, touch you
Taste you and your kisses
I reached for you
You didn't pull away from me
You fell into my embrace
Finally I had you in my arms
Finally I could tell you that I love you
And I did over and over again
Then you said you had so much to tell me
But I didn't want to listen
I didn't want to talk anymore
So I said you're here now, that's all that matters
Just let me love you
And you did
Finally I tasted the sweetness of your kisses
Finally I lay you down on my bed
And pulled up your t-shirt
To find your bare breasts
My tongue answered their call
Finally I had you naked in my arms, loving you

But now that I'm awake, I must finally deal
With my childhood memories
And the joy and sorrow
Of my first love

9.14.96

CMT

Author's Notes

Growing up wasn't easy for me, being in love with a girl and never being able to tell her for fear of being rejected. So I never said a word. I had totally forgotten that I'd introduced that boy to her. That hurt so damn bad. And yet I never dared to tell anyone about it. They'd have never understood.

These memories do confirm a couple things for me though. One, that I knew I was gay when I was a kid. Well, I may not have known what the word gay meant, but I knew I was in love with a girl. And two, that it wasn't acceptable to others, and that I should keep it hidden.