A Reader's E-mail and My Response To It

The following is an e-mail I received from a reader after posting my request to please not e-mail me if the subject was in regards to story updates, in particular, asking when or if a story was going to be updated or asking/telling/begging me to update a particular story or stories. As stated in the reader's e-mail, she clearly finds this request to be childish and selfish.

I am posting both her e-mail and my response to it in an attempt to clarify and better explain my reasoning behind making that request, since my position is that it was neither childish nor selfish, or that if it was, I'm well within my rights to make such a request anyway and expect it to be honored.

And just for future reference, I have no intention of creating a "Hall of Shame" for the rude e-mails I receive from time to time. This is a one-time thing, since I'd rather not encourage others who may crave this kind of attention. That's also part of the reason why I've removed the reader's name and e-mail address (the other part being to protect her from receiving angry or harassing e-mails from anyone who decides they should stick up for me against her). I've said my piece and would like it to end at that.

Also, if you happen to agree with the reader's e-mail, then please consider my response to her as my response to you and don't e-mail me about it.

At this point, I don't think I can be any clearer about where I stand on this issue.

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From: ___ ___ <___@___.com>
Subject: not sure what to think
To: mail4kkw-KWLF 'at' yahoo 'dot' com
Date: Wednesday, September 17, 2008, 3:45 PM

i trying not to write this as a pissed of person, though i imagine you've probably deleted this before completion. Unless you really are 13 years old, grow up like the rest of did.

Yes we enjoy your stories and yes it would be nice if you took the time and consideration to finish a piece or two, but to get upset a stamp your feet because someone has the nerve to ask you when your going to finish a piece is welll.........selfish. if you don't want the question then don't post the piece until it's finished. Think of it as having really great sex up until the point of release and your partner gets up an leaves you all wet and horney with no place to go. I think you'd ask the question of when you were going to get completion!

To that end, I have very much enjoyed your piece Lights of life and i'd say two years is long enough to ask the question. You know the one.

Take care and thanks for the good reading

_

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From: Kodi Wolf <mail4kkw-KWLF 'at' yahoo 'dot' com>
Subject: Re: not sure what to think
To: ___ ___ <___@___.com>
Date: Tuesday, September 23, 2008, 6:06 PM

>>not sure what to think<<

You know, me neither. You're not the first person to write to me and ask when I'm going to update a story after I posted my request that people refrain from writing to me on that subject.

However, all those people had the excuse of either obtaining my e-mail address from a source other than my site, and therefore never read my request and were completely unaware of it, or they admitted that they had only skimmed the Contact page to get my address at the bottom and promptly apologized for their negligence and explained that they hadn't intended any harm.

I consider those people adults and they have my warmest regards and thanks.

You, on the other hand, have the distinction of being the very first person to write to me and tell me that you not only read my request on my Contact page, but also completely dismissed it as being irrelevant and unimportant and, more to the point, you decided to do what you wanted anyway, regardless of how much it might hurt me. In my opinion, this comes under the heading of telling me, "Fuck you."

The rest of this e-mail is a response to that insult.

>>i trying not to write this as a pissed of person...<<

I, on the other hand, am very clear about the fact that I'm writing this as a pissed off person, though I'm going to try to not go overboard. I'm probably going to fail, but then again, it won't be the first time.

>>...though i imagine you've probably deleted this before completion.<<

I wish I had, but no, I read your entire e-mail, unfortunately.

>>Unless you really are 13 years old, grow up like the rest of did.<<

No, I'm not 13 years old. I'm 32 and I've grown up enough to have the sense not to harass writers of my favorite stories, especially when they've sincerely asked me not to, and particularly when the stories are offered for free and I know the only thing they're getting out of it is the enjoyment of writing and possibly a few positive e-mails (or in my case, the chance for some really in depth critiques that might teach me something about writing better stories).

At most, if I actually take the time to e-mail them (which is rare because, for the most part, I'm pretty shy), I try to convey how much I've enjoyed their stories and why, and if they seem open to the idea, I will usually offer a few ideas for improvements, and just in case they might take the criticism too personally (you never can tell, even with people who say they want critical feedback), I apologize for potentially hurting their feelings and remind them that I thoroughly enjoyed their work or I wouldn't have taken the time to write to them. I then thank them for their courage in posting their work for the world to see and for their time in reading my e-mail. I basically try to write the sort of e-mail I would like to receive.

In contrast, what I got from you was multiple put-downs, basically telling me I'm selfish and childish, and yet somehow you still deign to want to read my stories because you've "enjoyed" them so much and why can't I just give you the updates upon your demand, because clearly you're entitled because you've been waiting for 2 years, which is such a long time and has taken a lot of effort on your part.

>>Yes we enjoy your stories...<<

When you say "we", do you mean that you have Multiple Personality Disorder (now called Dissociative Identity Disorder)?

Or are you under the impression that my other readers, most of whom have expressed quite different sentiments from yours when they've chosen to communicate with me, feel as you do and you are therefore attempting to hide behind a group mentality and claim more power and identity than you actually have because you feel you have so little of your own?

When people can't claim responsibility for themselves, they can never change. Most people who say "we" instead of "I" are showing that they have little grasp of their own identity and have instead chosen to rely on a group to tell them what to do and how to feel. They also tend to blame others for their actions, which is why they can never change.

>>...and yes it would be nice if you took the time and consideration to finish a piece or two...<<

Have you actually counted the number of complete versus incomplete stories on my Web site? It's more than half. All of the fanfics, except Warrior Slave and Silent Muse, are complete. As for my original stories, there is a full length novel available to you for free. The others are works in progress that I might change at any given time, as noted multiple times in my updates, which have usually notified readers of changes since the last update. I also usually requested critical feedback ("love it, hate it, let me know").

So, where's my critical feedback?

And that jibe about "time and consideration"? What exactly is it you think I do? Do you think I sit and type a few words a minute and then go, "Oh, wait. At this rate, I'll have an update ready in just a few months. Let me slow down to just a few letters a minute, so my readers won't have an update for at least another year or two." Do you really think that's what's going on behind the scenes?

Well, here's what's going on.

As I've written several times on my site, I struggle daily with intense anxiety and low self-esteem. Taking drugs for the anxiety kills my creative impulse completely and I end up sleeping on the couch in front of the TV for 20 hours a day. So, in order to keep what makes me "me", I've decided to stop trying the "better living through chemistry" approach and just live with the anxiety. Unfortunately, as much as my anxiety seems to be biochemically connected to my creativity, it also has an extremely negative effect on it.

When I sit down to write on a particular story, I usually read a little from it first to remind myself where I'm at in the story and the tone of voice I was using for it. But many times, I'll read what I've written and just go, "Oh, that's crap. That's just complete and utter crap. How can people stand this stuff? Why would they want to read more?"

After years of therapy and intense introspection, I'm very aware that this kind of thinking is inaccurate. My stories are good and my writing is solid. But that's an intellectual awareness. I still *feel* like my writing is crap at those times and without confidence in my ability to write well, I know I can't be creative. Those two states (lack of confidence and creativity) are diametrically opposed for me.

This of course causes me great anxiety because I'm terrified I'll never be able to write again and I'll have let down all my readers, and I already feel bad for how long it's taking me to finish my stories and how long everyone is waiting for even just the next chapter, nevermind the conclusion to any of my stories. But when I don't have any confidence in my writing, I know I'm not in a space that will allow me to be creative, let alone enthusiastic, about my writing.

So, I usually struggle with it for a few days, sometimes talking with Corene about my stories to try to get myself excited about writing (rather than terrified of it) or I try to relax and take a break from thinking about writing directly and just jot notes in the notebooks I have scattered around the house (there's even one in the car; inspiration strikes me at odd times), until I can read what I've written and make an honest assessment and get excited about writing again.

You can imagine how annoying it is then, to have planned to write and finally be ready and then check my e-mail and find a letter like yours, telling me I'm childish and selfish, and reminding me in every way how inadequate I am when it comes to writing. There goes my confidence and my ability to write for several more days, and usually a lot longer in terms of whatever story (or stories) was mentioned.

Now, I suppose I could just not ever look at my e-mail again, so that I could continue writing without any reader influence, but the number of good e-mails far outweighs the bad, and every time I get a reader e-mail, I'm hopeful it will contain something I can use for my writing; a critique that will let me edit better, or a suggestion that might spark some creative ideas, or a letter telling me how my stories have affected someone's life for the better, or even just a note telling me that all my effort and hard work is appreciated.

But since I know how those impatient e-mails affect me, I asked for some help and understanding on the part of my readers. I know it's a flaw, letting the rude and impatient words of a complete stranger affect me so badly, but in my opinion, that's just the other side of the coin of letting the good stuff affect me in a good way. For the time being, I can't seem to have it both ways - let the good stuff affect me for the better and ignore the bad stuff - so that's why I asked my readers to censor themselves before writing to me.

I don't think I'm asking too much. I'm not asking my readers not to send me negative comments regarding my stories. In fact, telling me what you think is wrong or bad about a story doesn't seem to affect my self-esteem at all, probably because it's about the story, rather than about me personally, as your comments were clearly directed.

But maybe I am being childish and selfish. I don't think so, but that's just my opinion. Most of my readers have been extremely respectful and understanding, so I think in this case, I'm going to go with the majority rule.

>>...but to get upset a stamp your feet because someone has the nerve to ask you when your going to finish a piece is welll.........selfish.<<

Could you explain to me how I'm being selfish in attempting to establish some boundaries with my readers in order to create a better relationship for all those involved?

And what exactly is the point of asking about updates, when I've already answered that question on my FAQ page and explained what effect the mere asking of it has on me?

The only reason you could possibly have for asking about updates after all that is that you wish to deliberately hurt me by completely disregarding my request and are intentionally trying to disrupt my ability to focus and write on particular stories. And I have to assume it's intentional, since I state very specifically what happens to me when I get e-mails like yours.

>>if you don't want the question then don't post the piece until it's finished.<<

Do you honestly believe you're somehow entitled to e-mail me with whatever rudeness pops into your head, regardless of what I've requested, because I posted my stories online and offered an e-mail address for people to give me critical feedback for my stories? Are you honestly telling me I have no right to establish how I wish to interact with other people because I posted my stories in a public forum? Are you seriously that deluded?

That's not how society works (or at least not how it's supposed to work). That's not how "grown-ups" treat each other. That's how five-year-olds interact. Children do not know how to set or respect other people's boundaries. That's why adults have to teach and enforce the boundaries that have been set.

>>Think of it as having really great sex up until the point of release and your partner gets up an leaves you all wet and horney with no place to go. I think you'd ask the question of when you were going to get completion!<<

If I was having sex with my wife and she suddenly said stop, there is no way in hell I would put my need to orgasm above her need to stop. That's called rape, which interestingly enough, seems to be what your analogy implies you want to do to me, which is why I'm so upset by your e-mail.

I've requested that people not e-mail me in a particular way and you blatantly disregarded that request and then rationalized your harmful actions by stating I didn't have the right to say no and that it's somehow my fault you had to send me an e-mail I requested you not send because you apparently had no control over your actions because you couldn't resist reading my stories.

Those are the morals and ethics of rapists, child molesters, stalkers, and abusers in general.

May I ask what you expected to get out of sending your e-mail to me, other than hurting me? I stated very clearly on my Contact page that if you really wanted to get me writing on a particular story, then you should talk to me about that story, tell me what you liked and what you think could be improved. Instead, you offered a disturbing analogy that probably tells more about you than you thought. I mean you couldn't have believed I would take it as anything but utter contempt for my well-being. I'm certainly not going to suddenly start working on Lights of Life for you now, if ever.

By the way, if reading incomplete stories bothers you so much, why did you start reading mine in the first place? You appear to be literate, since you profess to have read my stories and wrote that e-mail to me, so how is it that you seem to have completely missed the fact that all of my stories are labeled as being either "Complete" or "Incomplete"? The warning is very plain, so if you really have issues with reading incomplete stories, perhaps you should have read the story's information beforehand.

And if you've been following my stories since I first posted them in 2000, then you should have already been aware that none of them were complete and that I was posting them as I finished chapters. And it might not have been stated explicitly, but based on my update comments referring to edits I'd made in changing scenes and fixing typos, I thought it was pretty clear that my stories were posted "as is", since they were first drafts and I had every intention of rewriting them (which is what I'm doing now) based on the critical feedback I hoped to receive.

I have also explained several times on my Web site that I will not be posting any more incomplete stories for the very reason you stated; I'd rather not be harassed for updates any more than I already am. However, I didn't want to remove what was already there so that people could continue to enjoy what had been previously available regardless of whether they ever offered me critical feedback. I considered it a courtesy to my readers, though I seem to be regretting that decision more and more lately.

And since I had my work plagiarized, I don't intend to post any more story updates (except for fan fiction), until the new site is ready, which has taken me a lot longer than I expected to get set up because I'm doing all the work myself, not to mention working on renovating my house and dealing with ongoing medical issues, and all the regular day-to-day life stuff that continues to happen whether I want it to or not.

Also, I may not have always stated it very clearly, but I am not posting my stories solely for others' entertainment, but in order to receive critical feedback that will help me improve my writing.

When I first put my stories online, I had this crazy little scenario in my head that maybe 30 people might read my stories, and I'd be lucky if even 2 or 3 of them wrote to tell me how and why they sucked, so that I could fix them.

I was absolutely floored when I received half a dozen e-mails the next day, and even more every day after that, telling me people loved my stories, that my site had been added to their Favorites lists, that I had a "#1 fan", and where was my "update list", so people could sign up to be notified when a new chapter was posted. I admit, it did take me a little off course for a while, in which I was trying to post quickly to please my readers, instead of working to improve my writing.

In truth, I've been incredibly gratified that people have enjoyed my stories so much that they've been impatient for the next installments, and I've tried to cater to that desire by creating an update list so people could stop checking the site or e-mailing me, but as I began receiving more aggressively stated demands for updates, I realized it was adversely affecting my writing.

I therefore took what I considered to be a mature step to establish boundaries that would not only help me keep my writing on track, but would also help my readers to know how to influence me to get what they wanted. I considered that a win-win situation. As an adult who made a respectful request to other adults, I expected a mature response in which my readers would respect the boundaries I had set up, since my next step was to simply remove my stories entirely and then both I and my readers would lose out, and I didn't want that.

By nature, I am a hermit. My favorite times are when I'm writing by myself or curled up on the couch with my wife enjoying her company while watching a movie or television or just talking. It takes a lot to get me to put myself out there, but by the same token, once I'm committed, it takes a lot to make me completely draw back again. But it's people like you, who have no respect for the personal boundaries of others, that make me want to take my stories down, so that I don't have to deal with your crap anymore.

Getting an e-mail like yours reminds me that I have the power to cut myself off from others, to try to be "safe", so I won't get hurt. But if that was the kind of person I truly was, I wouldn't have my wife. I never would have taken the risk to be with her, so it's going to take a lot more than your inconsiderate behavior (or even getting my work stolen) to make me take my stories down. I may not work on Lights of Life for quite some time, at least not until I can do so without thinking about you, but I will not punish others (or myself) for your and a few others' misconduct.

I have to ask this, though I don't expect, nor really want, a response (consider all my questions to be rhetorical). What is so wrong in your life that my stories have become so important to you that you couldn't possibly go read another, possibly better (and completed), story elsewhere, and instead were compelled to sit down and take the time to write a mean letter to a complete stranger and vent on them? Whatever it is, I hope you figure it out and feel better soon.

Now, I suppose you could say the same thing about me, since I'm clearly being mean and venting on a complete stranger, as well. The difference is that I didn't seek you out to do so, while you very specifically sought me out. I was fine in my happy little life until I received your e-mail. As far as I'm concerned, I'm defending myself against an unprovoked personal attack and doing my best to stand up for myself.

I wonder, did it ever occur to you to ask me how I was doing? Maybe ask why I hadn't posted an update in so long? Ask if I was okay?

What if my wife had died? Or I'd been diagnosed with a terminal illness? Or I could have been dead and my wife would have been faced with answering your rude e-mail, or it might have gone unanswered altogether.

By the way, my wife's response to your e-mail was (and I'm writing this as she speaks, so I'm taking it down almost verbatim), "How dare she say something like that to you! Who the fuck does she think she is? She doesn't know you. She doesn't know who you are. You have the most sensitive and generous soul of anyone I have ever met. She has no right to hurt you like that. That just pisses me off. You didn't deserve any of that. And doesn't she think you aleady know how many stories you have unfinished? That e-mail only served to make you feel bad, make you feel worse than you already do. It didn't help you. That wasn't constructive. She thought it was okay to be malicious to someone she doesn't know. And now I'm left with consoling you and trying to fix it. Not that I mind consoling you, don't think that, but that just pisses me off that she hurt you like that and she doesn't even care."

I must say, I really love my wife. :) She's a lot more eloquent and succinct than I am, since that little paragraph pretty much says it all. But I'm going to finish responding to your e-mail anyway.

>>I have very much enjoyed your piece Lights of life...thanks for the good reading<<

I'm glad you enjoyed Lights of Life, and you're welcome for the "good reading". Too bad you couldn't have just left it at that.

>>i'd say two years is long enough to ask the question. You know the one.<<

Again with the "I'm entitled" crap. It doesn't matter how long you've been waiting for an update. You're not entitled to anything. You read it for free with no guarantees and at your own risk. I did not force you to read my stories.

You know, when I read other people's work, I always check to see if the story is finished before reading. That doesn't always stop me from reading a story, but I go in with my eyes wide open. If I'm not in the mood to wait or I have a pretty good idea the story won't be finished anytime soon, I usually skip it and check back later, if I'm really interested. And even if I do go ahead and read an incomplete story and get annoyed, I never take my frustrations out on the author, first because I know it won't help, and second because it was my choice, my responsibility, to decide to read the story in the first place. Yes, I hate being cliffhangered, as I've said before on my site, but those authors are not beholden to me in any way for having posted their incomplete stories, which I, of my own free will, chose to read. That would just be ridiculous.

So, do you really want my response to "the question"? Well, here it is.

You have absolutely no right to ask anything of me and I have absolutely no obligation to you.

Since your e-mail has completely put me off working on Lights of Life, you may as well assume it will never be finished, so you can stop asking me about it.

And if I do finish it someday, I sincerely hope you are somehow unable to find it. It's petty, I know, but as I stated on my Contact page, e-mails like yours bring out the adolescent in me, so nyah nyah. (Or if I'm being really honest, I believe the phrase I'm looking for is, "Fuck you, too.")

And just so you know, I've posted your e-mail (minus your name and address; that's a courtesy to you to protect you from being harassed by anyone who feels the need to stick up for me against you) and my response to it on my site as a way to explain my position to other readers who may not be clear on how important this is to me and why. Since you could have only gotten the e-mail address you used to contact me from my site (and you freely admit you read my Contact page, which can only be accessed from my site), I'm well within my legal rights to treat your e-mail as "non-confidential and non-proprietary" as stated on my Terms of Use page on my site. By using the site, you became bound by those terms.

Now, I've said all I wished to say and I have no need to continue any further dialogue with you. So, please do not ever e-mail me again for any reason, even if you wish to apologize, because I will not respond. I will just try to imagine that you are sorry for how you've treated me and move on.

Sincerely,

Kodi Wolf

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I would like to add a little note here for those of you who are worried now that I'm never going to finish Lights of Life, or that if I receive a similar e-mail in regards to another story, your favorite story may never be finished.

That's not going to happen.

I still have every intention of finishing Lights of Life and all my other stories. No, I won't work on certain stories for a while sometimes because of these kinds of e-mails, but here's the thing. You have the power to combat that quite easily by sending me an e-mail telling me what you like or don't like about my stories.

Now, I realize that may come off as blackmail (send me critiques, or I'll never work on your favorite story), but that's not what I'm saying. I'm just explaining how my muse works and how you can take advantage of it. If left to my own devices, I will work on whatever story happens to have caught my attention for the moment (which may or may not be the story you're most hoping I'll update). That could be because of a movie I watched the night before, or a story I read recently, or a question Corene asked me about one of my stories, etc. It could also be because of an e-mail you sent to me.

Since I very much want to work on my stories and get them finished, I will use any and all resources available to me to get me to a place where I'm writing. That includes you. That's why I've tried to be so clear about what works and what doesn't work where my writing is concerned. I'm trying to work with you here, okay? If I really didn't give a shit about what you thought of my stories, I would never have posted my e-mail address for anyone to contact me in the first place. I consider you a great resource, both as a source of encouragement and as a source for inspiration. But I can only tap into that resource when you send me an e-mail and tell me your thoughts on my stories.

So, tell me.