primer - n. 1. An introductory textbook; 2. Any device by which an explosive charge is ignited

Day 6

Ryan opened her eyes and hiccupped on a sob. She'd been screaming in her dream, but luckily, the sounds hadn't made their way into the waking world. She knew the converted garage that was her room was well insulated and therefore the noise wouldn't penetrate the house, but she still hated it when her nightmares followed her out of sleep.

Ryan wiped the tears off on her already wet pillow and sat up. She'd only been asleep for a couple hours at most. Judging by the way she was shaking and how fast her heart was beating, she didn't think she'd be getting back to sleep anytime soon.

Ryan looked at her computer, changed her mind, and then looked at her TV. There was a box filled with tapes of her favorite shows, but nothing seemed to appeal to her at the moment. She turned on the TV and started flipping channels. She had less than a dozen available to her without cable and quickly decided there was nothing on.

Then she picked up her TV Guide and checked what was on cable. There were several movies either on or coming on soon that she liked. That settled it. She got up and took a quick shower and got dressed. She picked up a blank tape and went over to Karen's house.

The door was locked, but she'd brought her key and quietly let herself in. She headed straight for the den and got ready to tape. She went to the kitchen and grabbed a soda and then returned to the couch. As soon as the warnings finished showing, she pressed the record button and settled back to watch the movie she'd chosen. Return to Snowy River was one of her favorites, but she'd never been able to catch it from the beginning so that she could tape it. At least her nightmare had been good for something.

Halfway through the movie, Ryan heard a sound in the kitchen. A few moments later, Karen joined her on the couch and Ryan made room for her.

"Hey," Karen said quietly.

"Hey," Ryan replied.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Just had a bad dream."

"Want to talk about it?"

Ryan considered the offer. Then she nodded.

"Yeah. I, um, it was about when I was a kid. My mom, she was chasing me with that paddle she always kept in her purse. I thought I'd gotten away and then she was just there in front of me. She grabbed me and... I kept screaming for help, but nobody came. It just hurt. It still hurts."

Ryan wiped at the tears that had started falling when she'd begun talking. Karen reached over and squeezed the back of Ryan's neck in comfort.

"Well, you're here now. And nobody's going to hurt you here. So what do you think it meant, oh Interpreter of Dreams?" Karen asked to try to lighten the mood.

Ryan smiled. She'd gotten a reputation for being able to figure out what people's dreams meant. She shrugged.

"I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. I figured it was just bad memories."

"You know better than that. You're the one who's always saying everything happens for a reason. Why did you dream that dream tonight?"

Ryan thought about it. Her mother had hurt her deeply and she was terrified of being in that kind of situation again. There had been no one but herself to save her and she'd barely made it out of her childhood alive, though she'd been far from intact. For a long time, she'd kept herself closed off, never reaching out for fear of being hurt again.

"I think it might have something to do with McKenzie," Ryan started.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I think I'm afraid of letting her in. But I think maybe I already have and now I'm scared about what's going to happen."

Karen smiled and nodded.

"I was wondering when you'd figure that out."

"Figure what out?"

"That you love her."

Ryan swallowed.

"Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh.' She's a wonderful girl," Karen commented.

"That's the problem," Ryan groused.

"Okay, you lost me."

Ryan sighed.

"She's just a girl. Barely nineteen. I feel like I'm going to corrupt her or something."

Karen snorted.

"Ryan, I've known that girl for a year now. She's young and she's naïve, but she's her own woman. And I know you would never do anything to intentionally hurt her."

"Maybe not intentionally, but..."

"Ryan, just stop. You know probably better than anyone else that shit happens. If you're thinking you can protect her from your past, you're wrong. It's a part of you and it's not fair of you to try to keep it from her. But you need to remember that none of that stuff was your fault. If she cares about you as much as I think she does, she'll understand."

Ryan nodded. She hoped Karen was right. Then she grinned as she looked over at the older woman.

"Where do you come up with this stuff? I only told you we were talking," Ryan said.

"Yeah, well, she used to go out on dates almost every other night; she had them lined up around the block. Then you move in next-door and all that stops. It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together."

Ryan blushed a little.

"I didn't know that," Ryan mumbled.

"Well, now you do."

They both watched the TV for a few minutes and then Karen yawned.

"Well, I think I'm going to head back up to bed. Try to get some sleep, sweetie."

"Yes, ma'am," Ryan grinned and hugged the woman goodnight.

Ryan stretched out on the couch again. As soon as the credits were done, she stopped the tape and checked to see what the next movie was on her list.

"Tank Girl. Cool, I love Lori Petty. She's hilarious," Ryan talked to herself.

Ryan flipped channels to get to the right network and started recording as soon as it came on. She set the remote on the coffee table and then snuggled back down into the couch and got comfortable. The great thing about cable movie channels was the lack of interruptions, so she didn't have to hold onto the remote to keep pausing for the commercials.

It wasn't long, though, before Ryan found her eyelids drooping and she was asleep soon after.

Several hours later, McKenzie woke up and went through her normal morning routine. She showered, got dressed, ate breakfast, and then brushed her teeth in preparation for her day. She had an eleven o'clock class and then she was free until her next class at two-fifteen. She hoped she'd get to see Ryan if she was at the café, otherwise she'd spend the time studying.

McKenzie knew she should probably be doing more of that, but it was still the beginning of the semester. Crunch time wouldn't come until December and final exams, so she felt like she had time to slack off for a bit.

As McKenzie made her way to the den to possibly watch one of the morning talk shows she'd become mildly addicted to, she could hear that the TV was already on. She came into the room and paused at what she found.

Ryan was stretched out and peacefully asleep on the couch. The blanket that was usually neatly folded and placed on the back of it was in a crumpled heap on the floor. Ryan's white T-shirt and blue jean cut-offs were a little wrinkled and McKenzie smiled at the serene look on the older woman's sleeping face.

McKenzie knelt down next to her and just watched her. Ryan's breathing was deep and even and McKenzie could feel herself shaking a little with fear and joy at just being so close to the woman.

"Ryan, are you awake?" McKenzie whispered.

There was no response, so McKenzie spoke a little louder.

"Ryan? You awake?"

There was still no response, so McKenzie decided it was safe to speak.

"Um, I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean to say what I did. I mean, I did, but not like that."

McKenzie stopped. She'd never bared her soul like this to anyone and she wasn't sure why she felt safe to do so with Ryan, but she did. Of course, it helped that the woman was asleep and couldn't hear her ramblings. McKenzie took a deep breath.

"I love you, Ryan. I know, you probably think I'm just some kid who doesn't know the meaning of love, but I do. It's you. You're just... You're perfect. I mean, I know you have your problems and maybe someday you'll trust me enough to really tell me about them, but you're so strong and smart and beautiful and I just wanted you to know that I meant what I said last night. I love you. I really do. I just hope you fall in love with me, too. I don't want my heart broken and I know you could totally trash me with just a few words."

McKenzie paused, but then decided to continue.

"I think I fell in love with you the first second I saw you. You were so dark and mysterious and then I got to know you a little and you didn't treat me like a kid the way so many other people do. I mean, you do and you don't. You make me feel like I'm an adult, like you trust me, and that I'm responsible for myself, but then you have these rules, but you treat everyone that way, so I know it's not just me." McKenzie took a breath and tried to stop her incoherent speech. "Anyway, I just hope you're not mad at me or anything."

"I'm not," came the gravelly response.

McKenzie jumped and her eyes went wide as she watched Ryan stretch and open her eyes to stare calmly at McKenzie.

"I'm not mad at you, baby. Come here."

Ryan opened her arms and McKenzie sat there in shock for a moment and then quickly took advantage of her good fortune and clambered onto the couch. Ryan helped the girl find a comfortable position facing her and then closed her eyes and nestled into the soft hair near her face.

"I think I love you too, that's why I don't want to fuck this up. And the only reason I'm able to say that right now is because I'm tired and my defenses aren't up. I had a nightmare last night after I went to bed, so I didn't get much sleep. Think you could just stay here and keep me company?"

Some of the words were slurred and McKenzie could feel Ryan's body relaxing back into sleep even as she asked the question. McKenzie thought over her class schedule for the rest of the day and decided she could miss her first class, but not the one after it.

"Yeah. I just have to be ready to leave by two."

Ryan nodded.

"Unkay."

McKenzie smiled and kissed the top of Ryan's head. She suddenly realized what she'd done, but there were no reprisals, so she guessed it was okay. She resettled her body to fit more comfortably next to Ryan's and then closed her eyes. She wasn't going to sleep, she was way too wired for that, but she wanted to revel in the feeling of being so close to Ryan without the distraction of sight.

The time went by far too quickly and soon she was attempting to disentangle herself from Ryan's arms and legs without waking her. It didn't work.

Ryan opened her eyes and tried to get her bearings straight. She watched McKenzie sit up and then turn around to look at her.

"How you feeling?" McKenzie asked.

Ryan took stock and realized she felt pretty good.

"I'm okay. What's going on?"

"I have to get to class. I didn't mean to wake you."

"Oh. Okay."

Ryan still wasn't awake yet. Her brain was taking in information, but it wasn't really processing it.

"I'll be right back. I just need to put some shoes on."

"Okay."

McKenzie went to her room and Ryan sat up on the couch. She thought back over the previous night and that morning. She'd apparently dozed off during Tank Girl and then woken up to hear McKenzie talking to her while she slept. The walls that had been cracked by her nightmare had been weakened even further by McKenzie's heartfelt confession and she'd easily given in to her desire to have the girl in her arms.

Ryan shook her head. She'd held McKenzie and admitted she loved her. Then she'd let McKenzie kiss her without a single protest. Though none of it had been sexual, Ryan knew that if McKenzie had made a move on her, she wouldn't have refused.

"Damn it," Ryan whispered.

The nightmare must have had more of an effect on her than she'd thought. Not that her feelings for McKenzie had anything to do with it.

"Maybe I shouldn't come over here so much."

"Why not?" McKenzie asked as she walked back into the room.

Ryan looked up a little bleary-eyed, as she was distracted from her private thoughts, but then answered truthfully.

"Because it's hard for me to obey my own rules when it comes to you."

McKenzie felt her first glimmer of hope that she might have a chance to wear down Ryan's resolve and went with it.

"Um, I've been thinking about that and I was wondering if we could talk. About your rules, I mean."

Ryan nodded her head. Open discussion, especially within sub/Dom relationships, was a necessity.

"All right. When?"

"Tonight? We could order a pizza or something."

"Okay. I'll come back over around seven. I need to sleep a little more today."

"Okay, I'll see you at seven."

McKenzie offered Ryan a parting smile and then headed off to class.

Ryan gathered up her stuff and returned to her own place. Though the couch was very comfortable, she preferred sleeping in the nude and she couldn't do that over at Karen's.

Ryan removed her clothing and set her alarm for six o'clock. She'd only be able to get a few more hours of sleep, but her body told her she needed it. Nightmares tended to take a lot out of her and she'd made a major emotional breakthrough where her feelings for McKenzie were concerned. A nap would probably do her good.

As soon as her alarm clock went off, though, she was back up again. She was ready to go when she saw the pizza delivery guy drive up at five minutes to seven. She beat him to the front door and paid for the meal before going next door. She found McKenzie in the kitchen pulling out plates and cups for both of them.

"Hey. I brought food," Ryan said.

"Hi," McKenzie turned around and smiled.

Ryan could tell McKenzie was nervous and she wondered what exactly McKenzie wanted to talk about. She hoped McKenzie wasn't going to try to make her change her mind about the "no touching" rule. Even though they'd kind of already broken it, Ryan knew that if they touched sexually, there would be no turning back. She didn't have that kind of willpower and she was positive McKenzie didn't either.

Ryan set the box on the counter and they each helped themselves to several pieces of pizza. Then Ryan poured them both a glass of soda and they went to the dining room to eat. Neither of them spoke for several minutes, but Ryan decided it was time to get the ball rolling.

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

McKenzie looked up from her plate and swallowed. Now that she had Ryan's undivided attention, she wasn't sure what to say. She'd been thinking about Ryan's rule of no kissing or touching until she turned twenty ever since Ryan had first mentioned it. But she'd been particularly aware of the limitation while lying next to Ryan that afternoon and later during the rest of the day.

It just didn't seem fair. She'd been an adult in the eyes of the law since she'd celebrated her eighteenth birthday. She didn't understand why Ryan couldn't look at her the same way. Ryan seemed to treat her as an adult in everything else. Why was this so different?

But McKenzie knew she couldn't just ask Ryan to let go of this ridiculous idea that she was untouchable simply because her age ended in -teen. However, she at least wanted to know why Ryan had decided on that particular age as the rule. Maybe the information would help her to persuade Ryan to see reason.

"Um, I was just wondering why you came up with that no teenagers rule. I mean, I know you've talked about your parents abusing you and everything and you don't want to be like them, but... I don't know. It just seemed kind of arbitrary, you know?"

McKenzie cringed at herself and took another bite of pizza while she waited for Ryan to respond.

Ryan watched McKenzie eat and thought about how to answer the girl's question. What had made her decide on no teens? She remembered what she'd been like as a teenager and she had to admit that she had not been like most adolescents. She'd been taking care of herself since she was a child and by the time she'd hit fifteen, she'd been more mature than most adults she'd met. Which meant the same could be said of other people.

Unfortunately, sometimes it was hard to tell whether someone really had a clue about life or was just pretending they did and Ryan didn't want to be responsible for corrupting some kid because of a faulty judgment on her part. Ryan figured by the time a person hit twenty, whether they had a clue or not, they were fully responsible for themselves and the situations they put themselves in, so she didn't have to feel obligated to look out for them or double-check that they knew what they'd gotten themselves into.

Even though Ryan had for all intents and purposes had sex with McKenzie, she hadn't touched her sexually yet and McKenzie could have stopped it all by simply walking away. If Ryan crossed that line, if she felt no restraints when it came to touching McKenzie, McKenzie would lose that kind of freedom. She would still be able to stop things if she needed to, but Ryan couldn't be sure that McKenzie was mature enough to know when things were becoming too much for her. For whatever reason, Ryan had decided that twenty was the cut-off age that made her feel it wasn't her fault if the other person couldn't handle themselves. Any younger than that and Ryan felt as though she were taking advantage of a child.

"I guess it's the difference between talking about something and acting it out. If you tell me your fantasies or even masturbate in front of me, that's all you and the same is true in reverse. If I tell you what I want and touch myself in front of you, it's my choice and it starts and stops when I decide. But the second one of us touches the other, it becomes a joint act and it's only truly equal if both parties have the ability to choose. Not just the right, but also the ability.

"At least with me not touching you, there's very little chance of something happening that shouldn't. But once we touch, it'll be almost impossible for either of us to stop. I could really hurt you, McKenzie, and I'm not talking about doing anything you don't want. Sometimes what people want isn't what they should get. I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure that the person I'm with is capable of making that kind of decision and I can't trust that a teenager can do that. I know being twenty doesn't magically make you more responsible and so I am kind of being arbitrary in choosing that number. There are some fifty-year-olds who I wouldn't trust to be responsible for themselves."

"Can we just talk about me?" McKenzie interrupted her.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, just talk about me, not people in general. You're with me, not some unknown person, so the only stuff that matters is what's specific to me."

McKenzie didn't want Ryan to focus on her past experiences. She wanted Ryan to see her the way she was now and base her decisions on McKenzie herself, not some other idiot who didn't know a good thing when she found it.

Ryan looked down at her plate.

"All right. I'm sorry. I get disconnected sometimes, especially when I intellectualize stuff like this."

McKenzie didn't stop to think as she stood up and walked around the corner of the table to sit in the chair next to Ryan's. All she knew was that she wanted Ryan connected to her in the here and now and somehow she knew her close proximity would do it. But the closeness sparked her ever-present feelings of arousal and sexual need and she reached for Ryan's hand and held it between both of hers. She just needed to touch Ryan to try to sate that need and no other rational thoughts were able to penetrate her brain after that.

It took a lot of willpower on Ryan's part not to stand up and back away. It took even more willpower not to pull McKenzie to her knees and make her beg for a taste of Ryan's very moist pussy. Unfortunately, that left her with not being able to move at all.

McKenzie watched Ryan's breathing come faster and her own heart rate picked up as she imagined leaning forward and kissing Ryan on the lips for the first time.

"McKenzie... I... I can't touch you and then stop. Not like this."

"Then don't stop," McKenzie breathed out.

McKenzie was going on instinct as she drew Ryan's hand up to her cheek and rubbed her face into the soft palm. It seemed the most natural thing in the world for her to then slowly slide to the floor and come to rest on her knees as she looked up into Ryan's intense gaze.

"Ryan, I've been wet for you all day. Whatever you want, I'll give it to you. I want to be yours."

Ryan shot up and almost tripped over her chair trying to put some distance between them.

"God, McKenzie. What are you trying to do to me?"

"Give you what you want. Give me what I want."

"What do you want?" Ryan had to ask the question.

"I want to please you. I want to be everything you want me to be. I'll do whatever you want. Anything."

Ryan took another step back so that she could lean against the wall and felt the wetness between her legs as her thighs brushed together. The images of what she wanted to do to McKenzie were coming at her in rapid succession and she couldn't actually decide what she wanted to do first. Then she remembered she wasn't supposed to touch McKenzie at all, but she knew her resolve was crumbling.

As McKenzie watched Ryan struggle with herself, she decided to press her advantage, though something in the back of her mind told her she shouldn't.

"Ryan, I'm not a kid. I know what I want. I want you. Please don't deny us what we both want."

McKenzie stood up from her kneeling position and walked over to the rigidly tense woman. McKenzie knew she was walking a fine line, but it didn't stop her. All she could think about was Ryan kissing and touching her. The thoughts gave her just enough nerve to stand in front of Ryan and offer herself in an attempt to obliterate the last shred of Ryan's resistance.

"Please, Ryan. Anything you want."

As soon as the words left her mouth, McKenzie realized she'd made a mistake somewhere. Just the look on Ryan's face told her that much.

Ryan stood up straighter and took a step forward. She smiled when McKenzie automatically took a step back and lost the bravado she'd had only a moment before.

It was the repeated invitations to let loose her darkest desires that had brought her back to her naturally dominant personality. Ryan had been focused on trying to control her desire for McKenzie, her newly acknowledged feelings wreaking havoc on her ability to easily restrain herself. But McKenzie's constant goading had enabled Ryan to push aside her personal feelings for the moment and recognize McKenzie's actions for what they were: an attempt by a novice slave to manipulate her Dom.

McKenzie had done everything she could to get Ryan to cross the line and be the one responsible for taking their relationship beyond the boundaries that Ryan had set, without actually crossing that line herself. Ryan tried to get her anger under control before she spoke, but there was no hiding the fact that she was pissed.

"Do you have any idea what I want to do to you? What I could do to your body? Do you think you could stop me? McKenzie, the day I take you will be the day you feel the most intense pain and the most intense pleasure of your entire life and by the time I'm done with you, you won't be able to tell the difference between the two and you will beg me for more."

Ryan took a step back and then turned around and left.